What Would MacGyver Do?

Gotta love MacGyver. I’ve gotten a lot of mileage out of his exploits in my public speaking over the years. But I’ve just now discovered (what maybe some of you already know) a book called What Would MacGyver Do?
[Here we see MacGyver carrying a Smart Bomb he's just thrown together from a gameboy circuit board, toy airplane parts and a giant novelty pacifier]

Back to the book. Want a sample of the wisdom contained therein? Read on …

Problem: It’s 2 A.M. and you’re out of Luvs

Fast fix: A do-it-yourself diaper, courtesy of Gary Greenberg, author of Be Prepared: A Practical Handbook for New Dads. Place a clean sweat sock lengthwise down the center of a clean dish towel and fold the top and bottom of the towel over it to create a square. Lay your baby on top and fold the towel between his legs so it rests on his tummy. Tuck the front corners inside the back corners and secure them with duct tape. Not too tight, now. Tip: Duct tape on the baby’s skin results in bloodcurdling screams.

Problem: It’s 3 A.M. and she’s still crying

Fast fix: Unscrew the antenna from a portable radio, switch to AM, and find a spot between stations that emits static. This “white noise” mimics the muffled sounds the baby heard in the womb. One recent study found that babies listening to white noise were three times more likely to fall asleep than those in quiet rooms. Running a blow-dryer or vacuum cleaner also works, but you have to stay up with it until she falls asleep. Better idea: Go to beprepared.net and download a free 5-minute recording of white noise. Burn it onto a CD and set your player on repeat in the nursery.

Problem: You dread flying with kids

Fast fix: If you don’t want to buy a seat for your baby, you and your partner should reserve the window and aisle seats in the same row, leaving the middle seat open. Middle seats always fill up last. And even if someone ends up there, as soon as they see the baby, they’ll beg the flight attendant for reassignment, says Greenberg. If you have toddlers, choose the bulkhead rows, which offer the most legroom and a wall they can bounce their toys off, or seats in the back of the plane near the toilets, whose knobs and buttons provide some diversion.

Problem: They won’t stop whining

Fast fix: Pretend you can’t understand them when they do. They whine because they want, say, the cotton candy or the laser light sword. If you just look at them and say, “Sorry, I can’t understand what you’re asking for.” They’ll get frustrated and quit. If they persist, see “Meltdown” below.

Problem: Meltdown in aisle 7 at Toys R Us

Fast fix: To combat a full-blown tantrum, follow this three-step sequence from Nanny Deb of Fox’s Nanny 911: (1) Bend down to the child’s level instead of towering over. (2) Make eye contact. (3) In a low voice, tell him or her to breathe and calm down. This models the behavior you want. But you can often avoid tantrums by preparing your kids for trips to the store. “Tell them beforehand exactly what you are going there for and exactly what’s going to happen,” says Deb. “If nothing works, try a time-out in a quiet part of the store to help the child regroup; one minute for every year of age.”

Problem: The kids want to play; you want to read the sports section

Fast fix: Play 52 Pickup (works best with kids under 3). Take a deck of playing cards and bend the deck between your thumb and first two fingers until the cards spring up, out, and all over the floor. This delights the tykes to no end. “Do it again, Daddy,” they’ll squeal. Instruct them to collect the cards and match the suits. This should take 10 minutes. Repeat.

Problem: She’s been stung by a bee

Fast fix: If the stinger is in the skin, gently scrape it out with the edge of a credit card. Pulling the stinger with tweezers could squeeze the venom sac and release more venom. Clean the area with soap and water; then cool it with ice wrapped in a cloth for 10 to 30 minutes. A paste of baking soda and water applied to the area for 15 minutes will help relieve pain.

Problem: Your son’s penis is caught in his zipper

Fast fix: Set him in front of the TV and put on cartoons. That’ll take his mind off the wire snippers in your hand. First, try gently backing the zipper off the skin. Not working? Then use the wire snippers to carefully cut the zipper’s median bar (the little piece of metal that holds the front and back of the zipper clasp together). It will come undone.

Problem: Aunt Helen died and you have to tell your 6-year-old

Fast fix: Never say, “She’s sleeping.” “Kids are very literal at this age, and if you explain death as sleeping, they might develop a fear of going to bed at night,” says Debbie Glasser, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and founder of NewsForParents.org. Kids already have some concept of death from TV and pet hamsters. “Be honest and reassuring,” says Glasser. “Gently explain that all living things die eventually and that you’ll miss Aunt Helen. Tell your child that you’re here to love and care for him.”

Problem: They ask the tough questions

Fast fix: Get wise, Pop. [I'd add, either answer them - Q. Dad, why do stars twinkle? A. They don't. The movement of warm and cold air in the sky bends the light from the stars in different directions, giving starlight a twinkling action - or distract them - Q. Daddy, why are those 2 men wanting to get married? A. Hey is that a Gummy Bear on the floor!? - Pete]

Problem: Twelve-year-old Annie wants to expose her midriff at the mall

Fast fix: “This is a difficult dance to dance,” says Glasser. The key is to lay down the law, be unyielding, but also respect your daughter’s individuality. Tell her that while you understand that she wants to choose her own look, your family has certain nonnegotiable values. You’d be happy to take her to the mall and shop for other clothes that work for her, but belly shirts are a no-go. “If you make your values clear without yelling and without demeaning your daughter, you’ll have a better chance of her accepting your decision,” explains Glasser.

For more, visit this MSN Message Board for 8 pages of homegrown tips from other Dads. Run out of nappies/diapers? Sick of your kids pushing the shopping trolley into other people and displays? Kid refusing to go to bed at bedtime? There’s an answer here for them all!

Ya gotta love a Man’s approach to parenting:

a) there’s a problem
b) fix it
c) get back to your life

All Part of the Package

You know when you go to buy a car and it has these “extras” – which you know are actually standard for the model? CD player, air-con, etc…

I had the privilege of chatting via skype with Genuine Dad recently. We got to discussing some of the “stuff” which seems to come “standard” with kids, it’s part of the package. These “extras” are universal and they’re free when you bring your baby home from the hospital (or you marry a lady who already has kids!).

Here’s the more comprehensive list:

1. Pressure. Congratulations! You just took on another role in life. I bet that makes you so excited! “The Universe believes I can do more and be more!Whoo hoo!!”

2. Conflict with your kids, your partner and even with your own parents (who may want to question your parenting style). Put more than one person in a situation and conflict has to happen. It’s like a law of nature. However, how you handle it and use it is your choice.

3. Anxiety. This may or may not be the traditional up-all-night-worrying-about-where-your-daughter-is. It may just be wondering how to be great at your job AND great at your parenting role. Or trying to wear too many hats at once. Or worrying that your wife will never again have energy left at the end of a day for you!

4. Serendipity: this means accidentally discovering something wonderful. Expect the unexpected … in a very positive way. Your child will surprise you with their insight, their giftedness, their sense of humour, their perspective, their personality. You will also discover things about yourself and your partner that you’d never have discovered without kids. This is part of the pay-off. When you have one of these moments, savour it!

5. Mess: Dad, get used to it. If you are anally retentive, fussy, house-proud, or perfectionistic, then you’re in for a shock. No matter how wonderful your communication skills, teaching style or behaviour management techniques – KIDS MAKE MESS. They break things, stain things, rip things, colour things in – sometimes accidentally, sometimes intentionally. It is par for this course. (This is one of our bedroom walls below)

6. Learning Curve. If you thought life was interesting up til now, you ain’t seen nothing yet.

7. Exhaustion. You’re about to get tired. Real tired. Plan to recharge your batteries as much as you can and don’t overextend yourself when you can’t.

8. Mentoring Moments. “Dad, can you help me with …?” “Dad, can you fix my …?” “Dad, what do I do here?” “Son, do you want to come with me while I …?”
9. The Apprentice eventually becoming the Master. Who helps me navigate a computer game now? My ten year-old son. Who keeps me in touch with what’s new in music, cool-speak and fashion? My kids. Who will probably help me solve a lot of problems in the future? My kids. And that’s as it should be. I don’t have to always be right.

10. Powerlessness. At times, no matter how much effort you exert, no matter how clever you are, you are not going to be able to change something.

11. Influence. Sounds like I’ve just contradicted myself, huh? But the truth is that by your daily behaviour and those moments of quality time, you will surely and steadily influence your child’s outlook and habits (as Maxwell Smart would say, either for niceness or for evil)

12. Responsibility. A word that 2 of my buddies (still single in their 30s) call the R Word. Maybe that’s why they’re not married. Manhood’s not measured by how much pubic hair you have or how hard you can hit a ball with a stick. It’s measured by the level of responsibility you are prepared to take – for yourself and for others’ wellbeing. You brought this child into the world and even as they increasingly take steps to take responsibiltiy for themselves, the buck will ultimately stop with you for quite some time.

So, new Dad, it’s a bit of a rollercoaster. And I seriously hope you can enjoy the ride as much as I have…

Generation Z Power Struggles

Can You Spot the Difference?

That’s right: the first picture doesn’t have Philip Ruddock!

(And yes, I will get back to blogging about parenthood once my children go back to school tomorrow. I’m needing to focus on the actual doing of fatherhood rather than the wriiting about it.)

H is for hoon

In honor of Australia Day, here’s my latest addition to the Australian vocab list I’m building to help you decode some of the inevitable slang I will drop into.

H is for -

•  Heaps - a lot (e.g. “you’ve given me heaps of vegies!”)
• Hoon –

(noun) hooligan, fast and crazy driver; (verb) to drive recklessly.

I is for -

• Iceypole

- popsicle, flavoured frosted ice.

J is for – …. well, I can’t think of anything. Jackaroo or jumbuck maybe, but they’re not really relevant!

A dumb Australian animal … holding a koala.

Amendments to the Laws of Cartoon Physics

My kids and I have long laughed at the absurd physics present in cartoons. Thanks to Digital Digressions for these amendments to the Laws of Cartoon Physics.

 

 

Cartoon Law Amendment A
A sharp object will always propel a character upward.

When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.

Cartoon Law Amendment B
The laws of object permanence are nullified for “cool” characters.

Characters who are intended to be “cool” can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will.  For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.

Cartoon Law Amendment C
Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries.

They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.

Cartoon Law Amendment D
Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths.

Their operation can be witnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop.  Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch.  As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to stretch.  As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.

Cartoon Law Amendment E
Dynamite is spontaneously generated in “C-spaces” (spaces in which cartoon laws hold).

The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing.  Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick sized) and unstable (lit).  Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in “cool” characters (see Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage.  One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding.  A big bang indeed.

You Can’t Have Your Cake … When It’s NOT Cake…

Scanning my fave blogs today, I came across this gem of a story from Genuine – WARNING:This is not for the squeamish or those eating anything that looks like chocolate. Link-clickers click at their own risik…

After reading the anecdote, I got to thinking. I KNOW how a woman would deal with this situation: quickly, expiditiously (just wanted an excuse to use that word), competently, no mess, no fuss.

But how would a GUY deal with it? (Or in Australian: how would a bloke fix this?).

Interested in your thoughts…

Diaper-training 101 (for New Dads)

When You Reap What You Sow

Funny how it comes back to bite you. A friend of mine (before having children) was a merciless teaser of other people – delighting in their embarrasment. Well, he reaped what he’d sown one day when he was standing on a crowded train platform with his 4 year old son.

In the kind of clear and loud voice that cuts through urban noise, his son looked up at him and said (with a perplexed expression):

“You’re not my Dad!”

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, Dom.

(Imagine the looks he got for that one.)

A Day in the Life of a Work-from-home Dad during School Holidays

9.15. Trying to work.

• “Dad I’m hungry”
• “You just finished breakfast.”
• “That was twenty minutes ago.”
• “Wait until 10.00, then you can have a snack”
• “BUT THAT’S AGES AWAY!”
• “Drink some water.”
• A door slams.

10.17. Trying to work.

• “Dad where’s the remote?”
• “You tell me.”
• “I’ve looked everywhere.”
• “Behind the TV?”
• “… except there … Oh, here it is. Thanks Dad … And Dad?”
• “Mm?”
• “I’m really hungry.”
• “You just ate 15 minutes ago.”
• “I’ve digested that already.”
• Grrrrrr.

11.52. Trying to work. The voice on the other end of my VOIP-phone conversation is suddenly garbled as Son A logs into his hotmail account…

• “Get off the internet!”
• “Sorry, Dad. By the way, I’m hungry.”

12.48. Trying to work. The file I’m looking for takes me twenty minutes to find, buried under chip packets, post-it notes with computer game cheat-codes and DVD covers – all on my desk. Sadly, the chip packets aren’t mine. 

1.31. Trying to work. Screams, tears, doors slamming.

• “What is going on here??!”
• Son B: “He hit me!”
• “Did you hit your brother?”
• Son A: “Yes.”
• Son B: “Four times!”
• Son A: “It was only 3 times.”
• “Ok, go to your room and come see me when you have a good way to make it up to your brother.”
• Son A (storming away): “Great! Wish I’d never had a brother!”
• Son B (now glaring at me): “Why’d you have to be so mean to him?”
• “…?”

2.58. “Dad I’m hungry”

3.17. Give up on trying to work; I’m not gettting anywhere anyway. 

• “Boys, wanna go play football?”
• “No thanks Dad, we’re busy.

Grrrrr.

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