The Comedy Stylings of the Boy

My youngest son at 7 years old, takes a coffee mug from the cupboard, pretends to assault me with it, then (pausing for effect) delivers the following line:

“That’s what ya call a mugging!”

(Do I hear a boing! ?)

Parents Put Food Marketing Practises on Trial

With part of my background in retail, I’m well-aware of why there just happen to be chocolate bars, chips, novelty items and children’s magazines placed at the counter in the supermarket and at a 5 year old’s eye-level.

And doesn’t it just ping you off to have to say “No you can’t… No you can’t … No you can’t …” to your child’s repeated cries of ”But I want it!” – while the cashier looks at you as if you are a child-abuser.

[Confession: I ... ahem, I mean, a friend of mine ... has been known to quietly crush a few chocolate bars or knock them on to the floor & kick them under the counter in an act of passive-aggressive revenge for what these shops put us parents and our kids through!]

Maybe, just maybe, things are going to change …

The Parents Jury is a web-based network of parents who wish to improve the food and physical activity environments for children in Australia. Their latest press release (dated yesterday) indicates that there is a huge groundswell of anger amongst parents toward the marketing of unhealthy foods. It reads (in part) like this:

 Australian parents will be asked to nominate the best and worst food marketing practices targeting children when the new  Trial by Jury campaign is launched today.

 A ‘guilty’ verdict will be handed down by the Jury on the food marketing campaign parents think is worst, and an ‘honourable mention’ will be given to the one they can’t get enough of. The Jury’s decision will be final and the winner will be exposed to the Australian media and parents across the country.

 Twenty-first century marketers spend millions of dollars each year conjuring up new and creative ways to lure children into buying their unhealthy foods. Media savvy kids are finding food marketing popping up on their mobile phones, gaming sites and email screens. Sadly, most of the foods being promoted to children are high in fat, sugar or salt.  Trial by Jury promises to expose all types of food marketing aimed at children. These include:

• In-store (eg in supermarkets, video or fast food stores) promotions and giveaways
• Food websites specifically targeting children with games / competitions / giveaways
• Computer games with food promotions embedded into them
• School and educational resource marketing including sponsorship and giveaways
• Viral marketing (shush … pass it on …)
• Text message marketing 

I’d add saturation marketing as a tactic … and I say Hooray that someone is tackling the @#$%#!!s who sweet-sell harmful crap to vulnerable people (ie., children & adolescents) … and do it in a way that encourages a feeling of desolation within the young person if they don’t get what has been presented to them. This sense of loss or “missing out” then puts pressure on the relationship between parent and child.

Ah, I could stay on a soapbox for hours on this one.

If you’re an Aussie parent, go to the Parents Jury site and get involved. Let’s force some corporate responsibilty here.

(The UK also has its version of the Parents Jury. I’m interested to hear if there’s others)

K is for knock, L is for lolly

Gidday blokes and sheilas, here’s the latest addition to the Australian vocab list I’m building to help you decode some of the inevitable slang which I (as an Australian) will occasionally revert to.

K is for -

• Knock - [verb] to criticize or verbally disrespect something or someone. Occasionally there’s an unfortunate and embarrassing collision of idioms when the media refer to Australian society as a “country of knockers” …

L is for –

• Little tacka – young child
• Lolly – candy, sweet.

How a Real Man Handles Allergies

 “Nose, if you wanna keep on dripping, I’m not gonna keep on wiping you. Here’s a tissue: knock yourself out!”

 ***

My family & I apparently live in the highest allergen zone in Australia – or so the local pharmacy assistants keep telling me as they gleefully sell me yet another batch of near-useless antihistamine.

It would certainly explain why I have had year-round hayfever ever since moving in. It gets so bad some days that one eye and one nostril will continually run with water (not snot) for hours on end.

This has been an especially bad week for it, though today I’m actually (and for no apparent reason) feeling better. But tomorrow, since I have to present a speech at a local Rotary Club, I’d better find an alternative to the tissue above …

This is Just Plain Wrong

The Wisdom of Solomon

So we’re having dinner at our friends’ house. Our boys (at the time of the story) are 8 & 5.

Both boys are helping the woman of the house bring the food to the table. I’m engaged in conversation at the table (being a lazy bum) until I hear the argument (in high-pitched voices) erupt from the kitchen.

Off I go to sort it all out, happy to have the benefit of an adult observer who can give me an objective testimony of the events that have lead to the argument.

“What’s the problem?” I ask the lady in my best policeman’s voice. (Hey, at least I didn’t start with ‘allo ‘all ‘allo; what’s all this then?).

She replies that both boys want to carry the bowl of nuts to the table. I can see the fierce determination in both lads’ eyes: “I will be the Nut-carrier! I was born for this moment and none shall oppose me!”

Without thinking, I take an empty dish from the bench, tip half the nuts into it and give one dish to each boy.

The boys make cooing noises and happily continue setting the table.

Our friend regards me with newfound respect and awe: “You have the wisdom of Solomon” she says, referring to Solomon’s famous solution to 2 Mothers fighting over the same baby.

I swagger back to the dinner table, my work done, feeling understandably proud of myself.

A couple of days later, the boys are fighting at home over a Happy Meal toy (you know those irritating little McDonalds novelty doodads that fill drawers in your kids’ bedrooms?). “It’s mine!” they are both yelling.

Ah, I’ve been here before, I think to myself. Out loud, I say, “Ok then. The only answer is to cut it in half and give you both a piece.”

Gleefully, they race from the room, shouting things like “I’ll get the scissors!” “No, let’s use the saw!”

… D’Oh!

Stars

Kids & Computer Addiction

Appreciated many of the thoughts in a video at Keeping Kids Healthy TV. It deals with some of the concerns around too much computer use by kids these days.

Being male (= impatient), I’d probably start 6 min 30 sec into the video when the psychologist comes on.

NOTE: I am not a computerphobe. I’m using one right now. But I’m concerned that my kids use it too much and this helped my thinking and action around setting appropriate boundaries.

Farts are Funny

WARNING: Gratuitous toilet humor ahead. Proceed at own risk.

When I was a boy, the word “fart” was a very naughty swear word in middle-class suburban Melbourne. Now it’s joined such words as crap and damn in being a mild form of swearin’.

What’s more, when I were young, farts were most definitely not funny – to adults that is! My freinds and I of course thought they were hilarious, capturing many on tape and learning to light them where possible (ok, I didn’t attempt that one, but my braver freinds did – and no burns!).

Around our parents however, we’d have to resort to codewords like bottom burp, fluff, trouser ghost and stepping on a duck. If we said the word fart, made a joke about farts or laughed at our parents letting one rip, it’d be a clip over the ear or an angry tirade. [I still know a lady who is in her 40s and is horrified when her kids use the word (or even the word bum) - yet strangely, she has no problem with her kids manipulating other people, subjects them to some serious passive smoking and thinks the word crap is ok - i don't get it...] Anyway, where was I?

Now that I have kids I’m not nearly so (oh, dear, here comes the slightly crass pun) … anal … about farts.

But I’d never thought of blogging about them until I came across a network of blogs and other sites devoted to them . And so I present the cream of the crap crop to you, in the hope that:

a) you will get a much-needed laugh, and

b) you’ll be able to bond with your kids by using them…

The Fart Game – kill as many rats with your cute little rabbit’s farts as you can in the time limit. This is definitely one for Dad and the kids! Strangely addictive…

Facts on Farts – says it’s the original Facts on Farts. I didn’t know there were copies! This is vital for people who need answers to questions like “Do fish fart?”, “Do turtles fart?”, “Why do horses’ farts smell worse than peoples?” and (crucial question) “Is it harmful to hold farts in?” (apparently there’s two schools of thought on that one). I have saved this page in my favourites so that when my sons have a school project on the digestive system, they’ll have some information that will earn them extra credit…

Fart Techniques – probably not one to show the kids, I won’t be held responsbile for the results if you do.

Create a Fart – looking for an e-card with a difference? Try this.

And here is my fave: The Belgian Farting Pig video - I still can’t get the hang of posting YouTube vids on my site, so use the link. It’s well worth the click!

What’s that? You find all this offensive? Hey, if you want a classy blog, go to Great Circle. That guy loves the serious stuff.

My Parenting Non-Manifesto: 10 Ways to Freak Out as a Father

Well, I was going to sit down and write a proper parenting manifesto, like the ones that recently appeared on Rebel Dad’s site, but then I read some of the ones on Rebel Dad and asked myself “Why not just direct people over there?” (Hence the link above)

So here’s something else instead:

10 Ways to Freak Out as a Father

OR

How to Make Life Miserable for You and Everyone Else You Come in Contact with (in 10 Easy Steps)

1. Demand perfection from your child. After all, they came from your genetic stock, didn’t they?
2. In the unfortunate circumstance that your child isn’t perfect, blame your partner. After all, she contributed some of the genetic stock too!
3. Expect yourself to be perfect. For example, expect yourself to wear 6 or 7 “hats” at once; expect yourself to act sane when you have had an average of an hour’s sleep each night for the past month. You get the picture…
4. Then again, other people will probably make a lot of crazy demands of you, so feel free to make excuses for why you can’t always be responsible or proactive.
5. Keep all your anxiety, anger and confusion bottled up inside until you can’t contain it anymore. That seems to work for so many other men, doesn’t it?
6. Now that you have a baby or toddler, convince yourself that the reason why your wife doesn’t show you as much affection any more is because she doesn’t love you, thinks you’re a pain, has become really really thoughtless, or suddenly finds you unattractive.
7. Let yourself believe that the lack of bedroom boogie going on means the end of life as you know it and is the perfect justification for seeking the attentions of other women at the office, the squash court or even at the supermarket.
8. As your children grow older, speak harshly and disrespectfully to them constantly. This (we’ve been told) will develop strong morals in them and teach them to treat you with respect.
9. Whatever you do, if you have to play with your kids, for goodness sake don’t let them choose the game! They might beat you or else have some form of fun that doesn’t make sense to your generation
10. If the kid whines, give him what he wants. It’s the only way to stop him.