What is it with kids and noise?

• Have you ever asked yourself how something as small as a baby, with lungs presumably 80% smaller that yours, can scream so freakin’ LOUD?!
• Have you ever been frustrated by kid logic that says “Parent, thou shalt not make noise during my TV show… but during thy TV show, I shalt make as much noise as I shalt please”?
• Do you ever wonder why the act of sitting inside a car seems to automatically turn a child’s volume knob up to “11″? [Unless they're a teenager of course]

Yesterday, a 45-minute journey to a beautiful Mornington Peninsula beach was a little marred for me by kid-noise.

Squeals at that special pitch that perforates my left ear-drum.

Shouts that overwhelmed the punch-line of each joke I told my wife.

Just that persistent noise that relentlessly eats away at your sanity.

Some people say “it’s about the journey, not the destination”. Those idiots obviously haven’t travelled to the beach with my kids. [The actual time at the beach was fantastic.... but then we had to get back in the car again...]

I don’t know what it is that goes through a kid’s mind once the seatbelt is buckled. It may sound something like this:

• “Oh, I’m in a confined space. No one can possibly hear me if I speak at what would be considered normal pitch and volume. Better crank it up.”

Call me cynical.

I think kids have their own rules for life. And whether an adult likes it or not, there are three options for a child traveling in the backseat of a car:

1. Utilise siblings as objects of torture for your own amusement. Permissible forms of torture include: wet willies, chinese burns, throwing things into the front seat and blaming the sibling … or even nearly-but-not-quite-touching-them. (”Dad he’s nearly touching me!” “Billy! Stop not touching your sister!”)
2. Having a whole lot of fun, but with complete disregard for your parents’ whining pleas for having fun at a quieter level.
3. Peaceful and occasional conversation about interesting objects you’ve noticed in the passing countryside or about subjects that interest your parents like Current Affairs or Stories from Your Parents’ Childhood. [This option is greatly feared by all children everywhere: "Oh, crap, Dad's about to tell us about the time he came here as a boy; quick throw something and scream gibberish - that'll distract him!"]

Maybe thing’s would have been different if I’d listened to the kind of advice I’d dish out to another Dad (with an appropriately wise expression on my face). Advice like “Mate, why don’t you play a game with them? Then you’re in control.”

Because - hey - in the end, they had a great time:

They discovered a new way of making fart noises [yes: a louder way]…

Oldest Son got his butt jammed in the electric window of the car just as the power automatically shut off [yes, we were parked at the time] …

They made up the noises and language of a new species of alien mutant cow-wolf [at least that's what it sounded like]…

It was only me getting annoyed.

(But I still don’t like kid-noise)