Behaviour Managment for Boys

I’ve found some of the writings of Ian Lillico very helpful with regards to raising boys. I thought I’d post one of his short articles and then link to the site I found it on.

Behaviour management for boys
By Ian Lillico

The behaviour of boys should be modified through praise – never through sanction or punishment. Punishment may contain a boy’s behaviour but not modify it. Punishment can actually be a reward for a boy as this can secure his prestige in the eyes of his peers. We must endeavour to catch our son doing something right and praise him for it and (generally) try to ignore when he does things wrongly.

Continually punishing or sanctioning boys can contain poor behaviour but won’t change the behaviour. If you really want your son to do things better you must contrive situations which enable him to do the right thing. This is the time to praise and encourage him. This brings long-term improvement. Many parents fall into the trap of continually chastising boys and punishing them when they misbehave. However, in order to have a less stressful family life, and to change his behaviour, we should concentrate on positive reinforcement when he excels at being good.

Home rules written as negatives such as “No this or No that or Don’t this or Don’t that” should change to positives. For example rules such as “No chewing gum in the house” should become “Please place gum in the bin when you enter the house”. You can reinforce the second version by praising your son for putting his gum in the bin. Rules are of no value unless they can be reinforced through praise and a simple re-wording into positives can bring major change in a family of boys as their behaviour can then be modified. For example “We treat everyone in this family with respect – we do this by waiting our turn at mealtimes” etc etc. When your son does this well you reinforce the rule and modify his behaviour.

Boys who misbehave can often become heroes in front of his immediate peers. Boys who are publically chastised both at home, in the neighborhood or at school, often have a high peer esteem and their poor behaviour often continues to give them feedback – even if we see it as negative. Boys should never be publically scolded as this tends to raise their peer esteem and , hence, their poor behaviour continues. Public reprimand also severs relationships between the scolder and scoldee as boys are shame-phobic and (if we inadvertently shame boys in front of their friends) we frequently do more harm than good. Let’s be mindful of boys’ feelings and chastise them without breaking their sensitive and delicate spirits

Folks, when you look at your boy, dressed in a combination of Army & Spiderman gear and wielding a lightsaber, it may be a little hard to see his “sensitive and delicate spirit”. But boys are human too (honestly – they are!) and all humans are (to quote Sting’s song) “fragile” to some extent. Ian’s both a father and a long-time school principal. I like what he says, although I am still a firm believer in enforcing consequences with boys because boys also crave boundaries (but that’s another post).

I’m finding that in terms of MODIFYING my boys’ behaviour, as Ian says, a little praise goes a long way … and let’s face it, we’d all rather a pat on the back than a smack on the hand (I’m speaking figuartively folks, don’t go calling the cops on me).

To download Ian’s article as a pdf file, click here. To read more insights into the developmental needs of boys, you kind find them at the Australian site Boys Forward.

Installing Wife 1.0

With a big thankyou to Agent Sully for providing the link, I present the other side of the “story” to the recent post Installing Husband 1.0. Enjoy…

Dear Tech Support Team:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.

I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that
took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now
monitors all other system activities.

Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Football 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5,
and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I
can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run
my favorite applications.

I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the ‘ uninstall ‘
doesn’t work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!

Thanks,

“A Troubled User “

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User :

This is a very common problem that people complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is
just a Utilities and Entertainment program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to
run EVERYTHING
!!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0.

It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system
once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to
allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony- Child
Support) .

I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.

I suggest installing the background application ” Yes Dear* *” to
alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife
1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook
1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these
programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag
9.5 .

Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is
to purchase additional software. I recommend

FLowers 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0

STATUTORY WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install
SecretaryWithShortS kirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0
and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Chad Vader Episode IV

This will probably be the last episode I’ll post, because they kind of lose their way from here. The rest are on YouTube anway…

The Hoyts – What a Dad…

For the story behind this video, visit this page.

“My Concern is My Child”

Thanks to Markk (again!) for this link and this thought. (Yes, alright I’m stealing your post. Feel free to steal one of mine).

The following quote belongs to columnist Jack Marx from a sensationally-title post Breeders…

For some time after the birth of my own boy, I was troubled by an altogether unexpected affliction: a loathing of other children. Where I had expected fatherhood to invest me with a newfound affection for all kids, the very opposite occurred, and for a few years I struggled with combative urges when in the company of other parents and their children. At the time, I put this down to some ancient biological instinct – one that ensured I would not find another child so pleasing as to move me to abandon my own – and, as I observed the behaviour of other parents at day care centres, I realised I was not exactly unusual.

Parents did battle over anything, always on behalf of their voiceless child. The parents of an anaphylactic boy, for example, who pleaded with a nursery to ban the nut products that would be fatal to their baby, were opposed by parents defending their three-year-old’s “right” to eat peanut butter sandwiches. The legendary parental concern for all children was never more absent than at an assembly of parents, anxiety over their own child’s quality of life triumphing always over the common good.

For me, this unsavoury suspicion of other children withered as my own boy grew, but what remains is a love and a loyalty that can be defeated by nothing. My support of issues about which I was once quite passionate is now entirely dependent on how they affect my boy, and, if it were to come to such extremes, I would break any law, extinguish any life and mow down any army to protect him. When it comes to the interests of the broader community, my jealous love for my child renders me a completely unreliable member of society. The “rights” of others can go to hell – they are the concern of others. My concern is my child.

In the realms of “concerned” parenthood, I do not believe I am a novelty.

Markk’s question was Do parents hate other parents’ kids? You can go read my grotty response over there.

My question is: In what situations have you found yourself protecting or standing by your child in opposition to others?

Chad Vader Episode III

Lightsaber duel in Aisle Seven ! More Retail Dark Side whackiness from the genius of Matt Sloane and Aaron Yonda…

Great lines to watch for “There’s a guy sleeping on the meat!” and “Who took my meat pillow!”

WARNING: There’s a few expletives in this one so probably watch it first before whether or not to show it to the kids…

Even Dads Need to Defrag

A Dad I was coaching (you don’t know him, folks, he’s never commented on this blog, stop guessing!), once lamented about the complete lack of time in his life to think, plan, pray. He lacked ”time away from the noise” as he put it.

Now this man deeply loved his wife and four kids, he loved his work. But he was the kind of guy (I think most of us are) who needed regular space just to clear his head, get some focus, think and even not have to think!

His wife and youngest child had health problems. His job meant 9 hours straight of interacting with people at way beyond the surface level, always giving out. He lived only a few minutes away from home and the trip home was nowhere near enough time to “change hats” from Worker to Dad.

Fellas, if you’re lucky enough to be living with your family (ie., not divorced or separated), and regardless of whether your wife is working or at home, whether you are a SAHD or a “working” Dad like my friend above (as if stay-at-home parents don’t work!), you need that time out that my friend was missing. (So does your wife, by the way).

I suspect this is why many men make the detour to the pub or bar on the way home, or actually stay back in the office when everyone else has left, just to have some peace and quiet where they don’t have to listen carefully, respond, mediate, etc etc. Unfortunately neither of these solutions is really meeting the need. You need time to relax and refresh, to let go of one role before taking on the next, a way to chill out…

Now don’t give me that crap about being too busy. If your wife said she’d been too busy to take the car in for its scheduled service 18 months ago, you’d go postal on her, so be consistent here dude…

Here’s some thoughts on the how and the what:

1. My coaching client above decided at first on ten-minute walks around the carpark at work during the day. He did this because his wife wan’t yet in a place to accept him taking a 30 minute detour anywhere on his way home at night. His workplace understood: most of them just thought he was exercising, while his mangers knew what he was up to and that he would come back into the office with a clearer mind.
2. A bunch of coaching buddies and I have a monthly practise, some of them call it a Refocus Day, I call it a Defrag Day. Some of them hike. I mix it up between a favourite sheltered cove/beach nearby and coffee shops, where I can just stare at the water, think, drink good coffee, read, plan, etc. Again, my coaching client above revived his own practises of halfdays away praying in the forest at a favourite spot by a stream. 
3. One of my friends’ Dads had a great routine each night. He would come home, kiss his wife, say hi to the kids and then retreat to the lounge room with a paper (or occasionally with nothing) and just sit for 2o minutes. In that time, his wife enforced the rule that no one was to disturb him. And when he came back into the family space 20 minutes later, he was fully present with them.
4. This will take talking through with your partner, so get ready to sell it, to be vulnerable, to not be immediately understood. These go with the territory. But this is worth calmly persisting with…
5. Like most things to do with your inner world, you’re only going to get suggestions from me rather than a formula. You gotta try some things out, talk some things out, find your own solution here. The important thing is defrag your head and your life regularly and both will run better.

If you want to read a little more about this, try these posts:

•  The Gift of Shabbat
• and Being Doing

Ten-word Movie Reviews:

Taking a leaf out my friend Markk’s book (see Five Word Coffee Shop Reviews), I thought I’d do a quick review of 3 “kids” movies I’ve seen this year + a rating…

 

1. Spidey 3 – Venom will scare little children, romance will bore everyone else. (9 out of 10)
2. Meet the Robinsons – Script written by monkeys randomly putting words together; raw sewerage. (0 out of 10)
3. TNMT – A boys flick, great CGI and story, needed more Mikey! (7 out of 10)

Chad Vader Episode 2: The Night Shift Manager Strikes Back

I can’t get enough of this series….

4th Grade Physics

Why a 4th Grade teacher would even bother to teach kids Newton’s Laws of Motion is beyond me. That said, I recently found an old homework sheet from Oldest Son’s Grade 4 year on exactly that topic. Some of his answers were priceless…

Newton’s First Law of Motion says “An object in motion tends to stay in motion & an object at rest tends to stay at rest, unless acted on by an outside force.”

To the question, “If you leave a cookie on a plate and no one else is in the house, where will the cookie be in an hour?”, he responded It depends on whether they come back to the house.

To the question “The horse you are riding stops quickly; what happens to you?”, he wrote Depends how tight you’re holding on.

The 3rd Law says “Every action has an opposite and equal reaction.”. To the question “Two ice-skaters glide into each other at full speed; what will happen?, he replied They fall down, duh.

Sounds to me like he gets it.

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