Even Dads Need to Defrag
May 13, 2007
Filed under Parenting & Family Posts
A Dad I was coaching (you don’t know him, folks, he’s never commented on this blog, stop guessing!), once lamented about the complete lack of time in his life to think, plan, pray. He lacked ”time away from the noise” as he put it.
Now this man deeply loved his wife and four kids, he loved his work. But he was the kind of guy (I think most of us are) who needed regular space just to clear his head, get some focus, think and even not have to think!
His wife and youngest child had health problems. His job meant 9 hours straight of interacting with people at way beyond the surface level, always giving out. He lived only a few minutes away from home and the trip home was nowhere near enough time to “change hats” from Worker to Dad.
Fellas, if you’re lucky enough to be living with your family (ie., not divorced or separated), and regardless of whether your wife is working or at home, whether you are a SAHD or a “working” Dad like my friend above (as if stay-at-home parents don’t work!), you need that time out that my friend was missing. (So does your wife, by the way).
I suspect this is why many men make the detour to the pub or bar on the way home, or actually stay back in the office when everyone else has left, just to have some peace and quiet where they don’t have to listen carefully, respond, mediate, etc etc. Unfortunately neither of these solutions is really meeting the need. You need time to relax and refresh, to let go of one role before taking on the next, a way to chill out…
Now don’t give me that crap about being too busy. If your wife said she’d been too busy to take the car in for its scheduled service 18 months ago, you’d go postal on her, so be consistent here dude…
Here’s some thoughts on the how and the what:
- My coaching client above decided at first on ten-minute walks around the carpark at work during the day. He did this because his wife wan’t yet in a place to accept him taking a 30 minute detour anywhere on his way home at night. His workplace understood: most of them just thought he was exercising, while his mangers knew what he was up to and that he would come back into the office with a clearer mind.
- A bunch of coaching buddies and I have a monthly practise, some of them call it a Refocus Day, I call it a Defrag Day. Some of them hike. I mix it up between a favourite sheltered cove/beach nearby and coffee shops, where I can just stare at the water, think, drink good coffee, read, plan, etc. Again, my coaching client above revived his own practises of halfdays away praying in the forest at a favourite spot by a stream.
- One of my friends’ Dads had a great routine each night. He would come home, kiss his wife, say hi to the kids and then retreat to the lounge room with a paper (or occasionally with nothing) and just sit for 2o minutes. In that time, his wife enforced the rule that no one was to disturb him. And when he came back into the family space 20 minutes later, he was fully present with them.
- This will take talking through with your partner, so get ready to sell it, to be vulnerable, to not be immediately understood. These go with the territory. But this is worth calmly persisting with…
- Like most things to do with your inner world, you’re only going to get suggestions from me rather than a formula. You gotta try some things out, talk some things out, find your own solution here. The important thing is defrag your head and your life regularly and both will run better.
If you want to read a little more about this, try these posts:
The bus was in no way that space for me (now that I commute to the city from the ‘burbs), but the bike is offering that in part. I am finding I need to remind myself that I must wash the day away as I ride home so that I can be fully attentive to my family when I get there - as it is tough at the moment with our 2 year old and our 2 month old both demanding various amounts of attention from my wife and myself… and then there is trying to love & support my wife after she’s had a crappy day with the kids and I come home and they are still crappy and I haven’t defragged… not a great combination (a lot like last night!).
As always, Pete, your words of wisdom and sanity are a great reminder for all of us (Dad’s especially) of some the ways we can be of the most benefit to our family and ourselves…
That’s exactly what I meant Pete
What a great post!
Thanks coach! (folks if you are wondering what Leah “meant”, go here)
Molks, great to hear you’re trying to go into the home with a clear head. Remember a couple of slow deep breaths go a long way (except when you’re changing Lily’s nappy!)
I used to spend 4.5 hours commuting (6 trains a day). Now I spend 2.5 hours driving. That travel time is my sacred space - my time to defrag.
I get so annoyed when the phone starts to ring - most always it’s my wife - usually twice while I’m driving home to tell me which kid did what bad thing and now lost something as punishment. If I don’t pick up she’ll leave a voice message and call again. I’ve asked her countless times to stop but she wont.
I know she’s going thru her own insanity during the evening hours - getting the meal ready, helping with homework, etc. while four kids whine and scream and moan.
But this is my only time to shift gears mentally from the hectic work mode to hectic family mode. I just want to defrag in peace, with the windows down and a podcast on the stereo.
Man that can’t be easy! Is there some other space in your month (or even your workday) where you can chill?
I love the scene in “Collateral” (another movie!) where Jamie Foxx’s character (the cab driver) has the postcard of the tropical island on the back of his visor and “takes a holiday” there for 5 minutes any time things get too much. It’s kinda cheesy in real life but sometimes for sanity’s sake we need SOMETHING.
I hear ya tho, bro. Those constant demands you’re talking abour are the reason why I believe this “defragging” needs to become a priority to us guys.
(Man, how did you survive 22.5 hours commuting on 30 trains a week??? That would have sent me totally gaga!)
Hi there Pete, thanks for your comment. There really is something about water that seems to be an all-round calmer. I just bought Richard and I annual passes to the Sydney Aquarium and partly for defragging reasons.
It’s a great aquarium, open until late and towards the end there’s a Great Barrier Reef section. It’s a huge, huge tank, full of schools of fish, sharks, crayfish, rays, coral and right near the exit there’s a wall of glass (basically one end of the tank), with stepped seating and gentle music playing. You can get lost in this whole eco-system that’s swimming around and existing in front of you. It’s beautiful and entrancing.
Ah, memories. I used to catch up to 8 trains a day for my first job. Fortunately this has now dropped down to 2.
I find that driving time is not adequate defrag time. If I’m stressed at the beginning of a drive, I’ll be stressed at the end.
Actually, my favorite commute was crossing New York harbor on the Staten Island Ferry. I did that crossing daily for about 10 years. As Kathryn said, water is very calming. Just getting a hint of salt air, a breeze and the sound of waves crashing for 25 minutes was quite relaxing.
I hope that you’re going to do some defraging on your birthday Pete! Have a good one!
That’s exactly what I’m doing and that’s the most sense you’ll get out of me today! Thanks for remembering, Leah!
I’m lucky to have found this moldy oldie (not terribly old, at all, except by blog standards). I’ve been thinking about this very thing lately: how badly I need it, how much I don’t get it, and how it affects my interaction with the One and the Five. I definitely need to put some more energy into putting energy into nothing.
Ah, there’s nothing like trawling through Blog Archives to pass the time. Isn’t it interesting how something posted 3 months ago is “old”!!
Godspeed with putting that energy into doing nothing! Sounds great to me!
There’s a nice take on this at
http://www.joyfuljubilantlearning.com/joyful_jubilant_learning/2007/09/a-harbor-in-the.html