I’ve found some of the writings of Ian Lillico very helpful with regards to raising boys. I thought I’d post one of his short articles and then link to the site I found it on.
Behaviour management for boys
By Ian LillicoThe behaviour of boys should be modified through praise - never through sanction or punishment. Punishment may contain a boy’s behaviour but not modify it. Punishment can actually be a reward for a boy as this can secure his prestige in the eyes of his peers. We must endeavour to catch our son doing something right and praise him for it and (generally) try to ignore when he does things wrongly.
Continually punishing or sanctioning boys can contain poor behaviour but won’t change the behaviour. If you really want your son to do things better you must contrive situations which enable him to do the right thing. This is the time to praise and encourage him. This brings long-term improvement. Many parents fall into the trap of continually chastising boys and punishing them when they misbehave. However, in order to have a less stressful family life, and to change his behaviour, we should concentrate on positive reinforcement when he excels at being good.
Home rules written as negatives such as “No this or No that or Don’t this or Don’t that” should change to positives. For example rules such as “No chewing gum in the house” should become “Please place gum in the bin when you enter the house”. You can reinforce the second version by praising your son for putting his gum in the bin. Rules are of no value unless they can be reinforced through praise and a simple re-wording into positives can bring major change in a family of boys as their behaviour can then be modified. For example “We treat everyone in this family with respect - we do this by waiting our turn at mealtimes” etc etc. When your son does this well you reinforce the rule and modify his behaviour.
Boys who misbehave can often become heroes in front of his immediate peers. Boys who are publically chastised both at home, in the neighborhood or at school, often have a high peer esteem and their poor behaviour often continues to give them feedback - even if we see it as negative. Boys should never be publically scolded as this tends to raise their peer esteem and , hence, their poor behaviour continues. Public reprimand also severs relationships between the scolder and scoldee as boys are shame-phobic and (if we inadvertently shame boys in front of their friends) we frequently do more harm than good. Let’s be mindful of boys’ feelings and chastise them without breaking their sensitive and delicate spirits
Folks, when you look at your boy, dressed in a combination of Army & Spiderman gear and wielding a lightsaber, it may be a little hard to see his “sensitive and delicate spirit”. But boys are human too (honestly - they are!) and all humans are (to quote Sting’s song) “fragile” to some extent. Ian’s both a father and a long-time school principal. I like what he says, although I am still a firm believer in enforcing consequences with boys because boys also crave boundaries (but that’s another post).
I’m finding that in terms of MODIFYING my boys’ behaviour, as Ian says, a little praise goes a long way … and let’s face it, we’d all rather a pat on the back than a smack on the hand (I’m speaking figuartively folks, don’t go calling the cops on me).
To download Ian’s article as a pdf file, click here. To read more insights into the developmental needs of boys, you kind find them at the Australian site Boys Forward.
10 responses so far ↓
Leah Maclean // Jun 1, 2007 at 10:39 am
Ok wise fathers out there - how do you praise a boy/almost man enough to clean his room. I haven’t been able to crack this one and would like an answer to the question I keep asking him “What will it take for you to keep your room in order?”
Pete // Jun 1, 2007 at 1:44 pm
Kick him out.
Pete // Jun 1, 2007 at 1:55 pm
Just kidding.
I don’t have teenagers, so I’m no expert. Maybe there’s some questions here around:
“What’s the minimum standard for cleanliness that YOU can live with, Mum, whether you like it or not?”
“Is he asserting his independence, ‘flipping you the bird’ or just plain clueless?” (whichever one is going to ask for a different strategy from you)
“What would be an incremental step he could take in the right direction that you could gain agreement on?”
“What’s in it for him?”
Last night, I told my 7 year old “Ok, you need to clean this floor up. You can keep 5 things out to play with, but everything else has to go away. When I come back in 10 minutes, if it’s still lke this, I’ll choose the 5 things that stay out and confiscate everything else for all of June.” (The ‘harshness’ of the confiscation is because this has been a topic of frustration for months - the room cleaning thing- and we’ve already had a two week confiscation).
When I came back, the floor was spotless. There were 5 (completely unthemed) items left on the floor to one side and the rest were away. He looked really happy with himself and I gave him that serious-respect-from-one-man-to-another facial expression and shook his hand.
My guess on why it worked was not the “threat”, it was the level of choice I gave him.
themolk // Jun 1, 2007 at 2:03 pm
What a great article. I totally get what he is saying, and will ensure I apply it to my two year old (who is a bit below reading lists of house rules at the moment, but the toy thing will get a run… but we mightn’t confiscate for all of June…).
Pete // Jun 1, 2007 at 2:10 pm
Ok, let me explain the real reason for the “All of June” thing. Pete secretly covets all of his kids’ toys but never gets a chance to play with them.
Seriously though, the next time I have the same situation with Youngest Son, I’ll drop the confiscation caveat, because he’s earned that. We’ll see if he does it because of the CHOICE + PRAISE incentive…
Pete // Jun 1, 2007 at 9:55 pm
By the way, you hundreds of readers of this stream of comments, let’s return to Leah’s original question above…
Does anyone else have a suggestion?
themolk // Jun 3, 2007 at 7:22 am
A gun and the threat of death?
Leah Maclean // Jun 3, 2007 at 1:01 pm
@themolk - I’m not even sure that the threat would work
I think that this one will be one of the timeless paradoxes of parenthood. If one day it did get cleaned I’m sure I would put it down to a glitch in the matrix
Pete // Jun 3, 2007 at 1:58 pm
Keep em coming folks. (Is this helping Leah?)
Mad Cow // Jun 7, 2007 at 4:28 pm
Love the article!
I’ve spent the last 6.5 years trying to live up to this!
They’ve worn me down - LOL
Leah, don’t have a teenager - but live with a 46 year old kid, does that count????
3 boys and me - aged 46, 6 and 4. I go with the “its not my problem theory”
When they can’t find something “heh, not my problem”
“I’ve run out of undies” … “heh, not my problem” (this one coincides with my very firm rule “If its not in the basket, it doesn’t get washed” - we’re learning very quickly in our house)
And lately, the “I hurt myself when I fell”, mmmm hmmm, and you feel in your room “ye-hes” *sob sob*
Now I just need to give them The Look (well, one of The Looks - the one that says “Is your room a complete pigsty? Hmmm, not my problem”).
Does that help at all????? :S
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