This is another chunk of an Ian Lillico article. Ian’s co-founder of Boys Forward and you can see the last article I posted about his material to get all the links…
Boys convert feelings to movement. Little boys get onto their tricycles, then bicycles, and then cars, as they grow older, when they have an emotion or feeling to deal with. They go to the gym and work out. This has been the case from the earliest of times and both parents and teachers must realize this natural need of boys and men. Boys need space and need the opportunity to move when faced with issues or problems and when dealing with their emotions and anxieties.
Research now indicates that movement can, in fact, re-kindle feelings. When mothers or fathers engage in action-oriented activities with their sons, their boys begin to open up and talk. The same applies to teachers and their male students. Do something with him - something he enjoys - in the middle of it, he will often reveal the problem that is concerning him. When your son comes home from school, throws his bag into the corner and says, “I hate school”, questioning him will often produce little response. Go for a walk around the block with the dog, kick a football with him outside, or engage in some activity he enjoys, and during this time he will often disclose the issue, which is causing him concern.
In particular, we must become sensitive to the early signs of feelings being masked, such as bad grades, rowdy behaviour, depression, seeming quiet, drugs/alcohol, perpetrator or victim of violence with the attitude “everything is fine”. Try to stay close when your son is wearing his mask. Harold Hulbert states ” Children need love - especially when they don’t deserve it”
I’ve written about similar things in the posts Connecting with Your Kids, Episode 1 and my (amateurish) experiment with podcasting . If you’re a Dad and you’re a couch potato (as I am always tempted to be), unfortunately the message is: Fathering involves movement. Particularly if you have boy or three.
Anyway, Ian’s insights into the active nature of boys is helpful on lots of levels I think…
5 responses so far ↓
themolk // Jun 12, 2007 at 8:55 am
That’s a great article - totally relate, and totally understand it.
Jonathan // Jun 14, 2007 at 10:41 pm
My son is only a year old so I haven’t had the opportunity to try this with him, but I instally recalled an experience with one of my students. Whenever we tried to get him to talk about why he didn’t want to work he became defiant or clammed up. One day he acted up just before my lunch break, so I made him walk the halls with me so that we could talk. Withing five minutes of walking he was telling me all about his relationship with his family and his fears about his future. I never really connected the walk with him opening up. I may have to try this more often. Interesting post.
Pete // Jun 15, 2007 at 9:05 am
Good story Jonathan, sounds like you intuitively know this anyway - I think most men do, we just get our physicality beaten out of us (or nagged out of us) partly by formal school settings which mean that boys’ energetic movement will knock somebody or disrupt something - partly by a culture that says “shhhhh, sit in front of that screen over there, don’t get noticed”.
I love what you did with that student. I learned this as a youth pastor of a church - sitting in an office or even at McDonalds to have a serious talk with a boy just wasn’t going to work 90% of the time. It was far better to go play a round of golf, walk along a beach and throw stones, go play pool, play Playstation with them … then the conversation just kind of happened.
Mad Cow // Jun 18, 2007 at 11:14 am
WOW Amazing.
And it explains so much! Like, why my 6yo boy talks my ear off when we walk to school.
However, does the couch potato dad mean that my hubby has no feelings - if movement = feelings
PAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Seriously, great article. Will remove ban on hubby reading your blog - lucky. Thanks for sharing this one, Pete. And keep them coming.
Very inspiring.
And incredibly helpful for a mum of boys!
Mad Cow
Pete // Jun 18, 2007 at 6:02 pm
You banned your husband from reading my blog? What are we going to do with you??
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