A Great Idea

I recently published some of Patty Wipfler’s thoughts on fathers’ engaging with their kids, a major piece of our greatest calling. On the same day, I came across the following article of hers (I’m assuming Patty is a lady, forgive me if I’m wrong!)

Power Struggles Dissolve with Laughter

The very simple idea contained within was explained like this:

If your baby refuses to allow you to feed him with a spoon, you can give the spoon to him and let him feed you, even though the food will dribble down your chin because he misses more than he finds his target.

If your child won’t brush her teeth, you can yelp and complain while he brushes your teeth over and over.

When you are lighthearted enough with games like these, being the goofy “victim” or the poor, surprised target of your child’s “plot” to “get” you, your child will laugh and laugh and want to play the game a LOT. This is progress in the making. The laughter helps dissolve his feelings of powerlessness, and the distance he feels from you. It helps connect the two of you in good fun. These kinds of games are silly and deeply sensible. You play the one having trouble, and your child plays the one totally in charge. This reverses the power structure for 5 or 10 minutes, or longer if you have the time. Your child sees that you love him, sees that you don’t always insist on being in charge of everything, and benefits from the wonderful release of laughter. After playing a bit, you can then say, “OK, we do need to get dressed now,” and you are much more likely to have a child who wants to follow your lead about getting dressed.

It can’t be that easy! Or can it? Seems like a lot more fun than yelling, legislating or threatening.

(Confession/Hint: I’ve actually done this and it does help. But you need to pick age-appropriate tomfoolery. I wouldn’t let my Sixth Grader son brush my teeth these days!!)

Star Wars: Cops

If you haven’t yet seen this, and you’re either a COPS fan or a Star Wars fan, this is magic.

Things that make me laugh while simultaneously annoying me, #34

Mad Cow recently posted on the subject of literality. Her post even contains violence, so it’s a good read for us males. This was my comment on her post:

I get what you say about literality. I love the word. I have to warn you: this gets worse as they get older and gets melded to the smart-arse gene if they carry one, like mine do.

“Oh you want me to hop to it, Dad? Ok.” (Slowly hops to room)

“What’s that Mum? You want me to be kind. Kind of what?”

“I can’t give you five, Dad. I don’t have any wrapping paper” (?!)

“No I won’t answer you Mum, you told me before to be quiet.”

How does literality show up in your home?

Bush versus Zombies

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GnGROEPQf3I[/youtube]

Wife Never Wants Sex

Yeah, I thought that headline would get your attention. Welcome to all the google-searchers who entered the word “sex” and found their way here. Sorry to disappoint you, but there’s no pictures…

This one’s for all the Dads out there who read that headline and sighed, saying “I hear ya buddy.”

(I might just add it’s not my headline, but that’s another story … and one you’ll never hear)

In my bumbling and stumbling around cyberspace (or hitchhiking as my friend Steve Sherlock calls it), I came across an absolute “bottler” of a blog with advice for everyone. (”Bottler” is an Aussie slang term for a really really cool thing).

Rod Smith at Difficult Relationships basically invites questions on … difficult relationships … and answers them. Simple concept but expertly and succinctly done. No long rambling posts for Rod. I can highly recommend it.

Back to the matter at hand, here’s Rod’s entire post on the topic:

Reader writes: My wife complains when I want sex. When we do have sex she just doesn’t really get involved and says it is all to keep me quiet. I have never been unfaithful and I don’t ever want to be.

Response: There are no easy answers to this deep human issue. You might begin with viewing your bedroom as a metaphor of what is, or is not, occurring in your broader relationships.

Before you look at your wife’s lack of interest in sex with you, you might want to assess your contribution to the wholeness of your marriage and family.

Sexual behavior cannot be understood or “helped” by isolating it from everything else occurring in your marriage and family.

The person who wants sex least, is the person who is holding the reigns of control in the relationship. I’d suggest your wife is tired of “bad” or boring sex, which it sounds to me, is what she experiences with you. Any person with a smidgeon of a “sense of self” would want to stop engaging in “bad” or unfullfilling sex.

There is no good reason for unfaithfulness. Such action on your part will not help you with the dissatisfaction that exists between you and your wife. It would lead to no long-term good.

I’d suggest you read David Schnarch’s PASSIONATE MARRIAGE. This is a wonderful book for all relationships. While it is very graphic about matters relating to sex, it is never pornographic. Couples wanting to read the book would be wise to invest in two copies rather than try to share one copy! Sharing one copy of this book could ruin the very relationship you want to mend!!!

Did you read that and say “Ouch”? I think Rod makes some good points. This is one of those topics it’s impossible to “fix” in a blogpost, an article or even a book! But if

Sexual thoughts float through a man’s brain every fifty-two seconds on average, and through a woman’s only once a day. Peraps three to four times on her hottest days

as Fatheredfive’s reading leads us all to believe, then there’s the start of the problem. Somehow men and their partners have to meet in the middle… so to speak.

And it probably requires change and GROWTH for us blokes, maybe more than it does for the gals…

Thought for the Day

The guys who fear becoming fathers don’t understand that fathering is not something perfect men do, but something that perfects the man.  The end product of child raising is not the child but the parent. 

~Frank Pittman, Man Enough

A Postcard from My House, Episode 2

This piece was made almost entirely by Youngest Son, including editing. The only editing I’ve executed was to remove his name from the video and add the “disclaimer” right at the end.

Aren’t you hungry?

Dental Braces are the New Black

I took Oldest Son to the Dentist this morning. I was not looking forward to it. Last year we spent $4000 on Youngest Son’s teeth, at only 7 years of age.

Yes, I did say thousand. Four of them!

So it was with great relief that I heard the Dentist say to Oldest Son ”You’ve done a great job of looking after your teeth.” I even paid the bill of $30 with a smile.

However. The following (very strange) conversation did take place in the waiting room, one which may yet cost me that next $4000…

Oldest Son: Dad. I want braces. Can I get braces?

Confused Father: You want braces? Why?

Oldest Son: ‘Cause Tim has them. At school. He came to school with them yesterday. They look cool. Can I have braces? Please?

Is it just me, or has the world changed since I was a kid??

Steppin’ Up to the Plate

 My Fellow Father, when it comes to parenting, don’t let life pressure you to “sit this one out”.

As one writer says: “Fathers Are Primary Parents!”  There ain’t no 2nd fiddle in the Parenting Orchestra. (Sorry, that was a wierd analogy, didn’t really work, I’ve now mixed the sporting and music metaphors, I should have cut it out!)…

Here are some excerpts from Patty Wipfler’s “Primary Parents” article:

Dads get a raw deal. The pressure to earn a living often has a desperate thread woven through it: there’s a sense that if you don’t provide, dire things will happen to your family! We live in a society in which the lack of any safety net for families translates to a feeling of “life and death” for Dads around work issues. And when work must be pursued in a worrisome way, exhaustion is not far behind. Long hours, worry, heavy expectations, an ever more uncertain working environment, and the threat of poverty all make it harder to enjoy our children. It’s also hard to think independently about ourselves as Dads and as men: what do we want to do with our lives, how do we really want to live, what’s important to us?

One point that’s important to clarify is that fathers are absolutely primary parents. Children want, need, and love their Daddies. Some children grow up without the benefit of a Dad, and they manage well, but you need to know that, whatever your parenting circumstance, your child wants you close!

Children often look like they favor their Moms, and that when the chips are down, it’s Mom they want to stroke their forehead or kiss their hurt or listen to the tale of their hard day. But this is usually just the result of cultural circumstance: Mom is nearby more often when the chips are down, because in our culture, Dad usually spends more time at work. (In families in which the Dad stays home, the children gravitate to him in hard times, and it’s the Mom who has to work to keep from living on the emotional outskirts of the family.) You don’t have to remain on the emotional outskirts of your children’s lives!

… Listening to each other, hearing other Dads talk about parenting and about what’s important to them is a first step to climbing out of living under obligation. Just hearing how life is for other Dads can help bring a sense of perspective to our lives…

What helps children grow close are simple things any Dad can do:

• Your children love play, especially physical play.
• Your children want you to listen to their feelings, not to correct them.When children have played all-out, they feel safe enough to bring up heavy emotions.
• Your children want your life to be good.Go ahead and set limits that you think make sense, limits that allow your life to be good, too.

I recommend a full read of the article to see how Patty develops these ideas.

Ultimately, this reminded me that we Dads need to step up to the “crease” (if we’re in a cricketing country like Australia or the UK) or up to the “plate” (if baseball is your game of choice). We need to engage. Today. No one’s going to do our job for us … and women can’t. (Yes, they can parent. Duh! But they can’t father, and nor should they have to).

Enjoy your kids today…

Stupid Behaviour or Perfectly Sane? You Be the Judge.

As the song says, “the world is full of stupid people”.

If you feel like gawking or laughing at just some more of that stupidity today, try the following links:

1. Virginia law demands men keep log of sexual “events”
2. Beware !! “Stupid Parent on Board”
3. An Early Candidate for Parents of the Year
4. Seeking straight A’s, parents push for pills
5. Yearbook Picture Stupidity

My favourite’s the first one, but the others all run a close second! And then, there’s this…

… ok, to be fair to the kid, let’s take a look at what he was building up to:

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