I used to hold in low regard several men I know who just don’t play with their kids.
Most of them are parents of my sons’ friends. One of them - after I had taken his son and mine out to two parks in one afternoon - scratched his head and said to me, “Thanks. I never think to take my kids out. I … I just don’t like to play.”
I smiled kindly, but inside I thought “You’re a jerk, dude!”
As you can see, I carried a fair bit of judgmentalism around as I thought of these fellas … I was very critical.
Until I watched a video segment from John Eldredge (a part of his Wild at Heart material) where a bunch of guys were sitting around discussing what they fear. One of the guys in his late thirties blurted out that his greatest fear was to play with his kids.
I sat up straight and listened intently.
He went on to “confess” that his fear was that he would “mess it up”, that he’d do something his kids wouldn’t enjoy, that they’d look at him strange, that he’d be rejected or look foolish, that it wouldn’t work and he’d be a failure.
I was astonished. (I also felt my judgmentalism instantly evaporate to be replaced by empathy). What a terrible fear to carry around. I suddenly replayed the words of the Dad above (”I just don’t like to play”) and began to wonder if there was more to this than just a lazy man, an uncaring man…
As someone who totally enjoys playing with kids, who has a lot of “play” in his soul, I find this is not my fear at all. Hence I haven’t been too empathetic toward men who fail to engage at that level with their progeny.
I have written before about having fun with our kids (here, here and here), and I wonder now how many dads read those posts and said gruffly “Gimme a break, buddy” … or with exhasperation ”If only you knew how hard that is, Pete!”…
Man. This is a bugger of a fear to carry around, and it actually seems pretty common. No wonder so many fathers get freaked-out…
*****
Epilogue
The same man in the video who was afraid of playing with his kids also came out with these words (which will live in my heart for years to come):
“Fear is just an invitation to courage”
9 responses so far ↓
bryan // Oct 7, 2007 at 12:44 pm
how wierd…I have never had a problem playing with my boy or any kid for that matter. I would hate to have that fear.
April Groves // Oct 8, 2007 at 1:01 am
“Wild at Heart” is a wonderful read for men as well as women. When I read it, I understood my husband so much better.
John Eldredge and his wife Staci also wrote “Captivating.” Kinda a “Wild at Heart” for women. That one gets reread and recommended all the time.
It is absolutely amazing how much damage just living can cause in a spirit. People often think there must be abuse or tragedy to produce these types of bruises. But, as parents, we are all imperfect, and that imperfection gets passed on in one way or another.
Insightful and much needed topic - thanks!
kathryn // Oct 8, 2007 at 2:09 pm
I know mums that are scared of playing physical games with their kids.
They leave it to the father, or just let the kids run around by themselves. But never engage in the running, racing or playing games.
I think it’s because of fear - fear of looking stupid, of someone else saying something, of “looking ugly” while running.
But both parents being physically active with kids is such an important lesson.
Pete // Oct 8, 2007 at 2:17 pm
Thanks for sharing, Mums. I think “play” is generally a more male thing anyway (after all we make jokes about the toys that men accumulate in their cars, gadgets etc). Playing with the kids is a positive use of this seemingly irresponsiible male trait…
I’m with you, Bryan. I was once accused by a superior at work of having a Peter Pan Complex (in other words, it was time I should grow up). This was despite my being widely respected in that organisation and among its clientelle. It was more about his inability to enjoy the moment but at the time, I gave in to the pressure and tried to be more serious and “mature”.
Thank God my kids rescued me from that nightmare! But I think this post is about me realising how difficult this is for a lot of men (& obviously moms!)…
Pete // Oct 8, 2007 at 2:19 pm
Maybe these Dads should read Kathryn’s latest post and use chocolate to overcome their fears…
http://www.kathrynelliott.com.au/blog/2007/10/04/prone-to-irritability-and-worrying-about-rejection-try-chocolate
Mad Cow // Oct 8, 2007 at 3:59 pm
I think all parents fear one thing or another - are we gonna say the right thing or screw them up for life.
Same with play - for whatever reason. I, very sadly, know of some dads who won’t physically play with their kids because of fears of accusations of sexual abuse. Very, very sad.
My own hubby, also a Pete (hey, Pete, I think the “not grown up thing could be related to the name - hehehehe) has a great affinity with all kids - he loves them, and will happily look after and play with anyone’s kids. Yet I have heard comments from others about him playing with kids that weren’t his own. And some looks he gets. Scary. I’ve had to ask him to back off when he’s seen a lost or upset child, and had to step in myself because I don’t want him accused of anything.
And I’ve seen it happen.
I really feel for these dads you’re talking about, as play - with both mums and dads - is vital for kids. Maybe there needs to be a “play” school for dads, coz it really is OK that you look like a dill sometimes
Mad Cow // Oct 8, 2007 at 3:59 pm
Oh, and I’ll happily use the chocolate excuse anytime - hahahahahaha
Pete // Oct 8, 2007 at 4:26 pm
I know those looks well. Geez they annoy me. Glad to hear your Pete is aware of the boundaries and makes kids happy nevertheless! Huzzah!
kathryn // Oct 8, 2007 at 4:47 pm
It’s always the chocolate posts that are the most popular . . . sigh, never the vegetable posts . . .
Leave a Comment