Ten years ago I went to a “Manhood” seminar. Maybe I was hoping to buy some from the merchandise tables or something, I dunno.
Anyhow, I distinctly remember something the keynote speaker Ed Cole said. I’ve heard it repeated by other writers many times, including Biddulph.
“When a man acts like a child, it makes his wife act like his mother … and you can’t make love to your mother.”
Mothers correct their children and make decisions for them. When we males put our partners in the position of needing to do this - when we “underfunction” - we place them in an anxious position, we place pressure on them to overfunction, to nag, to parent.
And then wonder why they don’t feel all amorous toward us.
Where do you draw the line between immature and mature, between boy and man?
9 responses so far ↓
Pete // Oct 19, 2007 at 9:49 am
And before I get the complaints, I know that Mothers do more than nag, correct and make decisions, and thank God for you all! I’m writing about male irresponsibility.
Thank you. Pete out.
Joe // Oct 20, 2007 at 12:50 am
I dunno, Pete. I think the premise is faulty. This model makes women the always-mature, always-right arbiters of what constitutes underperformance on the part of her man. Very few people are capable of extracting their own emotions and subjective point of view in order to make correct judgments of this type. (Yes, yes, there are exceptions.)
I’ll be the first to admit I’ve been the recipient of some well-deserved nagging, er, mothering from Her Hotness. But not every time I’ve felt “mothered” have I been underperforming, nor is “mothering” the correct and mature response in most cases.
Sorry, my comment is now longer than your post. I’ll shut up now.
tanya25m // Oct 20, 2007 at 7:13 am
Wish I could get my husband to read this. He just might grow up!
Pete // Oct 20, 2007 at 9:09 am
I think these first 2 comments make an interesting counterpoint to each other.
Joe, never apologise, I highly value your thoughts and opinions! The risk when we make any point is that we overstate it or (in this case maybe) we are identifying one aspect of a complex system, one variable in human behaviour.
I’m not going to add any more because I was hoping to start a discussion around the question that I posed at the end. But I welcome your thoughts.
kathryn // Oct 20, 2007 at 9:22 am
I think the potential is there for people to take on both sides of the mother - son roles in a relationship.
Yes, through being immature, men can act like children. However women can also take on the role of “mother” in a relationship - it isn’t always initiated by men being irresponsible.
It’s always said that women are nurturers. If you’re partner is struggling, then “mothereing” can seem like an extension of “nurturing”.
It’s not though. And I agree wholeheartedly that it’s never a good thing for a relationship.
themolk // Oct 21, 2007 at 10:30 pm
I’m a mother of a problem, and my lovely treats me as I act - when I act as an adult, then I am treated as such, and so it goes.
…so I get treated like an immature boy quite often.
Word.
Pete // Oct 22, 2007 at 10:05 am
Molk, all I can say is
Kathryn, “I think the potential is there for people to take on both sides of the mother - son roles in a relationship.” - Good call.
Relationships are dynamic, complex and shifting … and no two are alike, so this has been fascinating so far to get all of your opinions…
Mad Cow // Oct 22, 2007 at 1:18 pm
Hmm, great question, Pete.
I know my Pete is the biggest kid in the world - why I married him, and why he now drives me nuts
Means he gets to do a lot of the fun stuff with the kids.
But I must admit, there are a number of times I’ve had to step in becuase things were just getting out of hand - someone getting hurt, or not learning when to stop for themselves. (I have a recent post on this on Diary)
I never felt like “his mother” - not really thought about it before - but I really see your point.
I agree, Kathryn made an excellent point.
Joe, I agree with Pete, don’t apologise. I think you make an excellent point, too
Pete // Oct 22, 2007 at 2:13 pm
Thanks MC! And yes, there is a VERY positive side to being childish… I mean childlike!
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