When I began to explore what I could do and achieve through a Dad Blog, one of the core aims of Freakedout Fathers was to get people smiling, especially Dads having a bad day (or a bad extended-period-of-time!). So there’s all sorts of crap on this site that serves no other purpose than that…  and usually even the posts-with-a-point are fairly light-hearted too…

But there are moments where you have to press the pause button of the tomfoolery and stop to think, moments where you suddenly get jolted back to the reality of how bleak life can be and is for many. To the reality of why it is we men need to establish ways of means of un-freaking-out. To the fact that life is often wonderful and just as often incredibly tough and depressing.

I’ve mentioned Tony Miller’s stellar work through Dad’s In Distress before; his is a wonderful intitiative and one I urge you to support if you can. One of the most gutwrenching and eyeopening pages on his site that you can visit is In Memory Of [the link above will take you straight there].

In the Fatherhood Foundation newsletter I received today, Tony writes in memory of a brother who’s been “taken out”. I feel for some reason to publish this. My fervent hope is that anyone reading this, who feels like they can’t go on, will not do as Erich did - and by that I don’t mean to dishonour Erich - he has my utmost sympathy as does his family. I mean that if that’s you, friend, you’ll reach out, you’ll accept help, you’ll find your reason to get up again and you’ll find a way to fix what’s broken.

You’re worth it. Your kids are worth it.

And now, let’s remember Erich…

Unfortunately just a few days before Christmas Day I received a call from one of our men that one of our own had committed suicide. His name was Erich, he was just 44 years of age. I posted the following message out to all our men on the team.

With great sadness I inform you of the suicide of one of our own. Erich Schultz. Erich was a founding member of the Dads in Distress group in Newcastle. Erich’s death brings home the reality of just how fragile the situation is in which we deal on a daily basis. You never know who the guy is sitting next to you in the meeting, you never know what he feels unless he shares it with you. Erich knew what it was all about. He had all our numbers, he chose a different path. Erich’s last act was of kindness in helping to move a new dad in distress to a new address. He attended the Newcastle dids Christmas party a couple of nights before.

He leaves behind 2 beautiful boys, family and a bunch of mates who loved him. Please keep him and his family in your thoughts and prayers.

I attended Erich’s funeral a few days ago. I hugged his mum, I wept with his family and I wept again with his mates who came together for a special dids meeting in Newcastle that evening. We normally have an empty chair at our meetings to remind us of those that didn’t make it. On this occasion I made it Erich’s chair and I placed it in the middle of the circle of around 30 blokes who attended. I told the gathering that there he is, sitting right there on that chair in front of them and asked everyone who felt they could, to share with Erich how they feel, tell him how you feel. As the rock was passed Erich’s brother addressed him first then I.

I gotta tell you Erich, I am pissed off with you. I mean I love you mate, but this is the most stupid thing you have done. What good has it done Erich? You left behind a loving family in grief, a bunch of mates and, more importantly, 2 little boys who are now fatherless.

I spoke some more to him in between tears and passed the rock to the guy next to me and so it went around the circle only stopping between each dids’ sharing of his grief to Erich.

There we were, around 30 men, all in tears, all in grief, all at a loss to explain. As I told the men as the rock eventually came back to me, Erich was no hero, I am not about to martyr him, love him yes, miss him yes, but what he did was bloody stupid, now is the time as you get up to leave, just touch the chair and leave your grief there with Erich. It’s over. Get rid of it, lest it eats you away like a cancer. So we did and we left it with Erich.

Driving back to Coffs Harbour I had Erich join me in the passenger seat and I have to say I gave him a mouthful. I cried and I am sure he was crying with me. There were times when I had to pull over because I couldn’t see with the bl**dy tears in my eyes. There were times when I doubted the value of the work we do at Dads in Distress. “Was it enough?” I thought. I asked Erich. All I could see was that unique smile of his and him shaking his head slowly. Why Erich? Why…

There are no reasons, you can only imagine you think you know. Erich wasn’t the first and no doubt won’t be the last. You can blame yourself, a system, a series of events or a momentary loss of judgement. The reality is, the Male of the species worldwide needs some help, needs some support. Male suicide across the world is rampant. Help is out there for women and so there should be, but little or none is there for men. No, we have to be strong, we have to grin and bear it. Big boys don’t cry. Well it’s BS. We can spend millions of dollars focussing falsely on deficit advertising all men as perpetrators or abusers but bugger all on any positive research into why our male suicide rate is so high. Guess What? You are killing us!

The answer is simple, Stop spending millions advertising us as all being perpetrators and abusers (domestic violence is non gender specific) and stop fencing bridges and start using the money for some real research into what’s happening to our men!

To Erich’s Family I was honoured to meet you all, I share your grief, please be assured you will all be in our thoughts, hearts and prayers.

Tony Miller

Founder Dads in Distress