I was skimming a parenting forum (as you do when you’ve nothing else to do). The very first thread I opened started with this story/confession by a Dad. I admired his stones for ‘fessing up and asking for advice from others.
Read it and leave a comment answering his question. I’m interested in your thoughts.
I have 5 children, the youngest are (nearly) 6 yr old twins. I have a problem that some of you may be able to identify with and offer me advice. If I give you two examples you will understand my problem. A few months back my young boy fell into shallow water while we were holidaying (running too close to the edge). After I had dragged him out (his clothes were wet and he has cut himself on oysters), my first reaction was to yell and I probably hit him on the bottom as well. (I told you to stay away from the edge) My anger lasted less than a minute but then I started to assess his injuries and get him warm. Just this weekend, at a barbecue my young daughter doing her usual gymnastics on a chair, slipped and came down on the edge of the table. Lots of blood. Again, my first reaction was anger until I came to my senses and had help from the women present. What am I doing? I know what I did wrong afterwards but I can’t seem to stop it happening again. Any advice before I become the dad they fear?
4 responses so far ↓
Roland // Mar 3, 2008 at 12:01 am
That sounds like the typical problem. Parents are struggling to pass life experience to their children to prevent the children from making unnecessary mistakes and harm, yet the children act illogically and refuse to listen. Inevitably they still do the damage or get hurt.
I struggle with that all the time. I really make an effort not to get angry (at first). I’ll put a stop to what ever is going wrong (usually one son hurting the other), treat injuries, listen to each side of the story to assess the truth, then determine what punishment to hand down. Problem is when the aggressor doesn’t seem to realize he’s done anything wrong and laughs it off. Then my temper flares.
This happened twice yesterday. The second time ticked me off because older son smashed a ceiling light spraying broken glass everywhere in a bedroom. I didn’t go in there angry. I went in there calm and made son help me clean/vacuum. What set me off was when he explained to his brother what happened, laughing about it and then hurled a heavy toy across the room to demonstrate.
I certainly don’t try to take my frustrations out on my kids, but kids seem to know how to keep pushing the buttons that get them yelled at.
Pete // Mar 3, 2008 at 7:57 am
Thanks Roland. It’s amazing the level of anger such small people can illicit from us huh? The “lead story” here is a little different to yours. Man, I’d be more than slightly irritated if my son laughed something like off too!
My personal opinion is that when injury has happened, it’s not the time for cross words and a tap on the bottom. Obviously the dad who wrote the story above, felt the same. It’s time to swallow the anger, show empathy, fix the problem and then when things have calmed down, have the stern chat about “Tell me why you wound up with a bloody nose… Ok, so do you want that to happen again? Do you like this pain? … No? So how will protect yourself? …. Not do gymnastics on the chair? Great idea - you have my full support.”
Sounds trite but about 75% of the times I’ve done that instead of yelling and freaking out, we’ve kept close relationship and the problem hasn’t happened again. The other 25%? Well …
Chris Owen (Pink Apple) // Mar 3, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Welcome to the human world of parenting.
Changing habits comes slowly.
But never fear they won’t end up fearing their dad cos he’s on the path to change already. Your acute and quick awareness is a big flag that you’re well-advanced down that path.
Forgive yourself. Be aware that we are MOST likely to slip back into those old habits in moments of crisis!
Be patient you’re getting there! And every time this happens again notice how much quicker you are to realise afterwards. That’s progress and you’ll get there!
Thanks Pete for raising this issue and allowing me up on my soapbox!
Jackie Cameron // Mar 3, 2008 at 8:39 pm
I wonder how your own Dad ( or male role model) dealt with things like this?Chris’s comments are great - especially if your reactions are based on your own experiences.
Jackie
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