Fierce and Kind, Protective and Dangerous

The following piece has been submitted by one of my closest mates, Ken, one of my Band of Brothers locally here.

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I went lap swimming with my 12 year-old daughter a few weeks ago.  As I huffed and puffed through my laps in the ‘medium’ lane, my daughter Dani backstroked her way up and down in the slow lane.  After ten laps I took a break and checked on Dani.

She was about three quarters of her way down the pool, not swimming laps, but facing a group of boys, apparently engaged in some kind of verbal exchange. As I watched, Dani splashed the apparent ringleader and swam off.  He attempted to swim after her, but couldn’t swim very well, and Dani easily made her escape to a safe distance.  However, with the bunch of kids hanging around at the midpoint of her training lane, she would either have to swim back towards them or end her lap-swimming session.

Pushing off the wall of the pool I swam toward the group of boys, making a beeline for the largest kid in the group, the obvious ringleader.  I got close enough to be slightly intimidating. In a less than friendly tone, I demanded to know if he ‘had a problem’ with my baby girl. 

‘Uh no’ he stammered.  I assured him that he had better not, and advised him in no uncertain terms that it was in his own best interest to leave her alone.   

Having a 6-foot-tall, hairy, scary man with a not-to-be-trifled-with attitude right in his face no doubt scared the daylights out of the kid.  While I probably went in a bit too hard, I felt satisfied that my daughter was not going to be hassled by that kid or any of his mates any time soon. 

I left the group and swam over to my beaming daughter, who was delighted to see her tormentors put in their place.  She completed her lap training in complete confidence that she was both completely safe, and the apple of her daddy’s eye.  Just the outcome I wanted.

Thinking back over the incident, I wondered how many daughters approached life feeling confident and safe, knowing that their daddy delighted in them, and that he would fiercely protect them.  So many women complain that the men in their lives are distant, disconnected and passive. 

Once my anger and indignation had subsided, I began to acknowledge that I was really hard on the boy. As soon as I perceived him to be threatening my daughter, something primal had arisen in me, causing me to be lose objectivity and to take on a fierceness that, upon reflection, surprised me – perhaps even shocked me a little. Why did I fire up the way I did?

Reflecting further, I began to feel for the young boy.  No doubt he walked away from the incident frightened, perhaps even a bit humiliated, and definitely feeling even less confident about approaching girls.  What he really needed was someone to coach him a bit on how not to make an ass of himself in front of girls, as well as how to craft an apology. 

What he really needed was a father.

I wondered what place this kid’s dad occupied in his life.  As I debriefed the situation later with my daughter, it was obvious that he had found her attractive and wanted to somehow get her attention and to get to know her somehow.  Instead he had only succeeded in annoying, then intimidating and eventually repelling her.

Why was this kid so clueless?  Hadn’t his dad modelled gentleness, courtesy and even a bit of chivalry towards women, giving the kid some kind of a starting point.  What if he, like the women I mentioned earlier, found the main men in his life too distant, disconnected and passive – both towards him and to the women in their lives?  He desperately needed older males to mentor and initiate him.

What do I take away from the experience?

To begin with, seeing my daughter’s response to my defending her, I resolved only to be closer and more involved in the lives of my daughters, and my wife.  My job is not to control, dominate or direct them, but rather to provide a safe space where they can flourish.  And sometimes a little fierceness is in order to protect that place.

Also, I resolved to be more involved in the lives of young men.  Boys should grow into manhood full of confidence, dignity and integrity.  They should feel at ease with the opposite sex, affording them the respect and deference they deserve.

Finally, I resolve to be more involved in the lives of fathers and husbands.  Becoming a true man – strong and gentle, fierce and kind, protective and dangerous, wise and courageous – is a difficult journey, and I still have much territory to traverse.  I need the fellowship of other men – older to teach of the path ahead, and younger to pass on what I have learned so far. .

My Reading on this…

Wild at Heart by John Eldredge

Manhood by Steve Biddulph

Always Daddy’s Girl by H Norman Wright.

- Ken Morgan, Melbourne Australia