On our way home from seeing the Iron Man movie on Sunday (which totally ROCKED by the way!), Youngest Son (8 years old) begins to ask me about suicide and why people do it. As I’m fumbling for an answer, he begins to share about how he thinks it’s probably because they have so many problems and can’t fix them, and how he can understand why they’d do it.
I’m freaking out (quietly but genuinely), thinking “Dear Lord, don’t let him see this as an option, don’t let him see this as an option…”. Then I chime in with one of those parental cliches you pull out of the air:
“Well, mate, every problem has an answer, so people don’t have to commit suicide.”
He then takes the thinking further with what I think was a fantastic analogy:
“Yeah, Dad, it’s like math problems. They always have an answer, so EVERY problem has an answer too. That’s cool.”
I’m once again reassured that my son has an optimistic outlook on life and that he won’t be a morbid suicidal teen in a few years! … Then my mind actually pays attention to what he said, and I reply, “that’s a very wise thing to say, bud. Math problems. I like that.”
Then I ask him if he would be ok with me sharing his idea on my blog.
“Sure,” he responds. “And you could say that you were impressed at what your little son said and really were a freakedout father.”
… Man he’s on a roll here!
So…
I was impressed at what my little son said and really was a freakedout father.
17 responses so far ↓
MadCow // May 6, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Ah, you can’t get anything past those sneaky little buggers can you.
Hehehe, love that he picked up you were “freaked out” -
I, too, am very impressed with what your little son said and would love to get my hands on a copy of the “Freaked Out Father’s Guide to Parental Cliches” for a simiar, although not quite, conversation I’ve recently had with my seven year old.
(Is this the place to add it, if not delete it)
My 7yo who has been given religious education from another 7yo (a girl) and is now convinced that dying is better than being unconscious, because when you die, you get to come back. Sometimes only 3 days later.
Eeeek! Help - which cliche do I use for that one.. other than my standard, muttered “Oh, f…”
Pete // May 6, 2008 at 3:56 pm
Well, honestly I figure if he’s (he IS a boy isn’t he??) not petrified of death, that’s a good thing.
On the other hand, I get the whole “Oh no my kid thinks dying is cool” anxiety. There are some good standard answers to things like these, answers like: “I’ll tell you when you’re older”, “Why don’t you ask your Dad” (sorry Dads), “Look! Over there! Is that Batman?!”
For me I’m trying just to answer simply and very very matter-of-factly. If that ain’t enough to address the issue and move on, I might ask my sons questions to try to get to what’s behind their interest in or their question about the issue (coz often it’s not what I think it is: they may be asking about death because they miss their pet rabbit that died 3 months ago, rather than they’re keeping suicide up their sleeve for their adolescence).
Sometimes the questions kind of lead to a natural conclusion to the conversation. Sometimes it’s Analogy Time, like Youngest Son did: this is like that. Problems are like maths problems. Death is like the end of your favourite TV show: the actors go on to do other things but it’s sad. (Gee, I miss Stargate SG-1!!)
Best bit of advice I heard about this was to try to not “imprint” the topic on their mind as either a tabboo or “That must be a really cool thing coz it’s totally freakin’ my Mum/Dad out!!”. Just talk calmly and rationally and leave it…
Oh and the rising from the dead 3 days later thing? I’m sure your child is an angel, but they’re not THAT good.
jonathan // May 6, 2008 at 9:51 pm
You have a great relationship with your son. I especially like that you show him respect by asking him if its ok to use his conversation with you on your blog.
Mad Cow, we now have satellites probing some of the outer planets of our solar system. Why? To see what’s out there and beyond. We are driven to seek understanding. Questions about death are natural and should be expected. I would say the best way not to imprint a topic is to expect it so you can keep a calm dialog with your child.
That being said, I’ll probably choke when my youngest brings up the subject.
MadCow // May 7, 2008 at 7:50 am
Thanks guys!
We’ve had several death conversations - he has a morbid fascination with it. We have also had to deal with 4 deaths this year so far,one a school friend (aged 7) and the other the 40 y.o. father of another ex-school friend, only last week.
This particular conversation actually lead away from death and into a discussion about the reliability of his source of religious educuation - another seven year old (what is it with seven year olds
haha) He has come home with some oddly twisted versions of the standard.
I think we manage to handle it mostly ok … but no doubt we’ll find out for sure in 20 years
(And we’re now off death and onto the uses of lady’s boobs … is it worth asking if there is a book of FoF Cliches for those conversations - hahahaha)
jonathan // May 7, 2008 at 8:08 am
There is certainly a book of cliches for the uses of lady’s boobs, but it probably would not be ideal for you to use. As this is one of those topics that males will never, ever, ever,ever reach maturity on. Guarantee it, listen in to a father-son relationship on the topic and you’ll many here giggles and snickers.
Oh sure, man has wizened up enough to keep a straight face in front of women long enough to recite the following, “Breasts are the natural way a mother feeds her baby.” Even then if you could really hear what the man was thinking it would be something along the lines of “snicker, snicker…boobies, snort, snort.”
Perhaps in another thousand years or so, we (Men) will evolve to the point where we can hear a reference to mammary glands and not giggle. But, we’re not there yet. BTW if you really want to find the book, you can usually find it at any major book seller next to the Big Book of Farts, and Big, Big Picture Book of Smoking Apes.
MadCow // May 7, 2008 at 9:36 am
(Oh, dear I can’t stop LAUGHING! hahahahahaha)
Pete, I’m SOOOOOOO sorry - who lets this riff raff in
:l0l:
I really am impressed with what your little son said, and I’m sure if you weren’t a Freaked Out Father before, you are now
(hehehehehehehehe - still can’t stop, sorry!)
Pete // May 7, 2008 at 12:07 pm
JOnathan, first of all. ROFL! [reread Jonathan's comments] More ROFLing…
Mate, the “respect”came from me as a preacher in the mid-90s always using stories about Oldest Son to fit my sermons and him at 5 years old saying “Dad can you stop talking about me in church? It’s embarrassing!” Who says I can’t learn from my mistakes. Unfortunately it’s the oldest that gets the mistakes made on him and the yougnest who reaps the benefits of much-wiser-dad-this-time-around.
Amanda, this type of riff-raff is EXACTLY the type I prefer to keep company with.
I’m off to Borders now to find those books he mentioned. Can’t wait!!
Chris // May 7, 2008 at 12:18 pm
God the conversations here deteriorate as you scroll!! Riff raff!! That’s good coming from Mad Cow the Queen of Riff Raff!
Pete This kid’s got you worked out Big Time!
and Mad Cow my experience of the death discussions is much more practical that spiritual as is evidenced by the 3 day resurrection theme!
They want to know nitty gritty detail down to temperatures smells farts and everything else.
Now that i’ve raised the tone of the convo I’ll leave now!!
Jonathan // May 7, 2008 at 12:24 pm
I so hope I learn something from these trying times with my stepdaughter and can put them to good use with my son.
Amanda, I WOULD apologize for the low brow comments, but… I have to meet Pete at Borders so we can both point at the funny pictures. If you want to join us, I’m the one wearing the t-shirt tux. Pete’s the one wearing the “I’m with stupid” shirt that’s pointing at the guy wearing the t-shirt tux.
themolk // May 7, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Oh yeah… ‘Iron Man’ was AWESOME… Bring on ‘S.H.I.E.L.D.’ and ‘Iron Man 2′ and ‘The Dark Knight’ and ‘The Incredible Hulk’!!!
Pete // May 7, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Molk, … and Thor (2010) and Capt America (2010) and The Avengers (2011) …
It’s so good to have you back bro! A man who appreciates the finer things…
Chris, i agree about nitty gritty (and about our early conversation via skype, I did get my writing done!)
Jonathan, I waited there for an hour! What happened to you dude?
Jonathan // May 7, 2008 at 9:48 pm
In my excitement to get to the store I forgot that there was about 9160 miles between your store and mine. I arrived about two hours late.
Next time we will need to pick a spot somewhere inbetween.
Pete // May 7, 2008 at 9:59 pm
Easter Island has a great Borders and the coffee’s fantastic. See you there 1 pm Saturday, local time.
Jonathan // May 7, 2008 at 11:21 pm
I’m there.
Pete // May 8, 2008 at 7:52 pm
By the way, readers, having just read the funniest post at Mad Cow’s Diary, I now understand the context for her comments about boobs above. You need to read http://realmums.com.au/diaryofamadcow/?p=533
Roland // May 9, 2008 at 3:26 am
Wow, those kind of questions are unnerving. Glad to see you got such a great relationship.
MadCow // May 9, 2008 at 10:41 am
Gee, thanks Pete! Great diversion, sending riff raff over to another blog
(and you mean you missed this post http://realmums.com.au/diaryofamadcow/?p=515 :?)
Roland - I agree, totally unnerving. Some parents, I think, just have a great nack at holding back their freakoutedness and coming up with something fantastic to say! Really inspring.
Well done Pete and Little Son
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