In my reading of Kindred magazine yesterday, I was particularly attracted to the article The Joy of Siblings. It was about helping siblings get along with each other … and which one among you will try to claim that your kids never fight with each other? This is my greatest stressor as a parent (or maybe the second greatest after “You need how much money?!!”)
Here’s the 3 pieces of advice the author (courtesy of KidsHealth.org) provided for that moment when the fight is on, and you’re feeling the need to step in. What I’m interested in is your responses to this advice.
- Separate kids until they’re calm. Sometimes it’s best to just to give them space for a little while and not immediately rehash the conflict. If you want to make this a learning experience, wait until the emotions have died down.
- Don’t put too much focus on figuring out which child is to blame. It takes two to fight - anyone who is involved is partly responsible.
- Next, try to set up a ‘win-win’ situation so that each child gains something. When they both want the same toy, perhaps there’s a game they could pay together instead.
Ok, there are the suggestions. I’m not here to particularly laud this advice nor be critical. But, as I said, I’m interested in your responses.
Just two of my own thoughts are as follows:
First, point #1 hit home. I have a tendency to try to create learning moments in the heat of battle. By now, everything I know about the human brain should have taught me this is stupid: our fight/flight responses are hijacking our ability to think rationally in conflict.
So I’m making it a goal this week to put this one into practise… And I’ll probably get plenty of that practise. 
Second, re: point #2… It sounds noble and it sounds even reasonable to a degree. Sometimes we overdo the analysis and the finger-pointing. But there are times where it’s plain someone is responsible. When I see one son throw something at the other unprovoked (and from point blank range), it’s pretty obvious the one getting hit is not cocreating the situation. Oh, the fight will be on afterwards and I guess I could say that the “victim” had a choice to not respond in kind. Yes, that’s true. But in the end, I’m going to have to create consequences and maybe a learning moment for the child with the “nefarious intent” (as Bad Dad is fond of saying in his podcasts).
The most difficult task when my kids are fighting is to stay calm myself and allow the rational parts of my brain to control my mouth.
Well, that’s my 2 cents. What’s yours?
8 responses so far ↓
Jonathan // May 30, 2008 at 7:40 am
I like letting kids work things out for themselves. As long as they are not beating each other to a bloody pulp, let them sort out their own problems.
I’ve found there is rarely a case of a single “nefarious intent”, so when the kids come to me in an argument I offer them a choice. I ask them, “Can you solve this problem on your own or do you need me to solve it?” They at first asked me to solve it for them. I would say ok, and then one would begin to explain their side of the story. I would say, \No need to explain. You sit over here and you sit over there and nobody plays with the ball, toy, etc…”
It didn’t take long before the kids were wanting to solve their own problems. I would then ask them what they intended to do. If their solution was way off, I say “That’s one option, what’s another?”
Sometimes the situation isn’t possible, and they do need to be separated until they calm down, but then I try to use the same strategy.
Pete // May 30, 2008 at 8:27 am
That’s a nice tactic, O Wise One. It’s non-anxious and encourages maturing of the kids. Have you ever thought of becoming a teacher?
Jonathan // May 30, 2008 at 10:26 pm
I’ve given it some consideration.
What I like about the approach is it minimizes the need for you to be the bad guy and problem solver. No matter, how innocent one person is and how guilty the other is, if you have to come in and solve the problem, then someone is going to get mad. When the learn that the punishment is going to be the same for both and they can avoid the punishment if they solve it on their own, then you are the winner.
I have to confess, I’ve only tried this in a school setting. My children are 14 and 2 and there hasn’t been much arguing between them as of yet.
Pete // May 31, 2008 at 8:10 am
So that’s the secret: have your children so far apart that their paths never cross…
But seriously, folks, I get what you’re saying and it makes a lot of sense. The King Solomon thing seems to work across the board. It sounds like the key is to not be anxious about the outcome and leave that responsibility with them? Maybe I’m just addicted to solving people’s problems, as much as I try not to. You’re the 2nd person in 24 hours that has challenged my tendency to problemsolve.
[shudder] getting all psychoanalytical here.
MadCow // Jun 2, 2008 at 12:10 pm
Hmmm, interesting, Pete.
I tend to do the “time out” thing, where I seperate them (or remove the Unprovoked Instigator of the Ruckus - I feel your pain, Pete). Usually the older one (7.5) who I can have a reasonably rational discussion with about why he did what he did.
I also go with the Opportunity to Learn - unfortunatley, in my case, it usually occurs with something like “Yeah, did I tell you someone would get hurt if you continued? Well, learn from it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
They havent … yet …
Markk // Jun 2, 2008 at 10:15 pm
I don’t think the King Solomon solution would work ALL the time. If they’re fighting over a bicycle, can you really threaten to split it in two and give half to each brother?
Although, at least then they’d have unicycles.
Sigh .. I’m missing the point here, I know. Maybe its a good thing I don’t yet have kids!
Tyson // Jun 6, 2008 at 12:52 pm
My girl is 5 years old and my son is 16 months. We are not to a fighting stage yet, but I know it will come up sooner rather than later. I like the tact of working to where they figure out a solution for themselves. Not only are you not looking like a bad guy, but conflict resolution skills are being developed. Conflict Resolution is what some say is the big whole in the Gen Y group.
One thing my father would make me and my brother who is 2.5 years younger do when we fought was to hold hands. I cannot tell you how uncool it was to walk down a mall holding my 9 year old brother’s hand.
Pete // Jun 6, 2008 at 12:55 pm
Now that I have a 12 year old and an 8 year old, I GOTTA try the holding hands thing. That should fix it forever!
Thanks, bro.
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