Just saw The Incredible Hulk the other day and totally loved it! Oh, yeah. So did my boys. But in real life, if I want to maintain a cooperative, affectionate relationship with my children, I have to remember to keep dealing with my inner Hulk!
I love the metaphor in the Hulk comics, movies and even the old Bill Bixby series: Banner trying to control the anger beast, and the anger beast eventually getting to the point where it takes him over. I think it’s the major struggle for parents of both genders to keep rage locked away from hurting our kids. It’s a no-brainer to say how destructive anger can be when we express it inappropriately toward a child. There’s a huge difference between letting our kids know we’re serious with stern words, and treating them with hostility, acid criticism, cold withdrawal or acts of rage.
Children have no defence against a torrent of angry words, shame-messages and rough physical treatment; it goes straight into their soul and does damage. It alienates them. They will eventually develop coping mechanisms that probably won’t be healthy.
A process I’ve used for myself as a Dad and recommended to a number of other men where anger has manifested in potentially harmful ways, is managing it with a 3-step approach:
1. recognise (again) that rageful actions are ineffective and harmful
2. develop a strategy to manage your anger positively
3. learn and apply alternatives to your behaviour
I’ve read plenty of parenting material that tells us to not shout at our children or shame them into submission; but to respect them and use alternatives methods of managing their behaviour. This is good stuff. I read plenty about positive ways of modifying children’s behaviour. But what about the adult’s behaviour (step 2 above)? Who manages that? We even find ourselves using the first and third step above “on” our kids: “Don’t throw biscuits are your sister Johnny! Learn to use your words.” But if we don’t work through the second step with them, they’ll rarely make “using words” (or whatever the alternative is) a habit because it’s still anger that’s controlling them…
Back to us parents. What does the adult do with the emotions that they naturally feel? And if I can’t manage my own emotions and behaviour, what hope – and what right – do I have of managing another person’s?
Do you have any strategies that work for calming you down? Do you use Jack Nicolson’s goosfraba from Anger Management (I’m not embarrassed to say this actually works for me)? Do you practise deep breathing like Bruce Banner in the latest Hulk movie? Does it help you to have an outlet? Have you heard good tips on this matter?
For more on this, you might consider The Stressedout Parent’s Guide to a Happier Home-Life.
11 responses so far ↓
themolk // Jul 7, 2008 at 8:47 am
Hulk good.
I particularly liked the Tony Stark (uncredited!) appearance at the end, all pointing to the upcoming S.H.I.E.L.D. movie… bring it!
BTW, Michelle and I keep seeing the ad you and Son auditioned for, and keep thinking how weird it would be if youse had got it. Not sure I’d want to see you _THAT_ often!
Pete // Jul 7, 2008 at 10:46 am
Yeah, I don’t think I’d wanna see my face on TV that often either.
Now with Tony Stark - yes it was a very cool surprise. But is it the SHIELD movie … or the Avengers movie that they’re setting up for? My bet’s on Avengers - I quote the Hulk movie’s reference to the supersoldier research (which is the origins of Capt America, who’ll be in the Avengers movie too). Check out: http://www.firstshowing.net/2007/05/19/marvel-avengers-movie-with-iron-man-and-hulk-coming-eventually/
Tell you what though: I’m so glad they finally hired some decent scriptwriters and solid casts for these movies. Stan Lee and co wrote some killer stories back in the day and I felt like Iron Man and this version of Hulk finally brought them to life.
Pete // Jul 7, 2008 at 10:48 am
… and the anger thing?
themolk // Jul 8, 2008 at 2:47 pm
oh, yeah, anger bad. love good. Blah blah blah…
Pete // Jul 8, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Ah. I get it now.
Pete // Jul 13, 2008 at 10:45 am
Ok. for all the world to see, this will be my strategy in the work-week ahead. I have a very busy one and a very draining one. So my decision is that each night when I get home, I’ll sit in the car for a full minute, get centred, relax, realise that the kids are going to be bundles of energy when I walk in that door, that everyone will want a piece of me and that it’s ok. Get that self-talk going and keep that breathing slow and regular.
Wish me luck.
Karen // Jul 13, 2008 at 5:34 pm
Good luck Pete!!!
Strategies in this house include removing yourself until you calm down - deep breathing - going for a walk - deep breathing - pumelling a pillow (NOT a feather one:) - deep breathing - doing something physical like throwing the ball for the dogs, shooting hoops or kicking a ball around the front paddock. Did I mention taking a deep breath?
Pete // Jul 13, 2008 at 6:44 pm
How about throwing the dog? That’d work for me.
Karen // Jul 13, 2008 at 6:50 pm
hmmm, throwing YOUR dog may work, Pete - but I cannot see myself throwing a 50kilo dobermann… need to work out a bit more before I could successfully get him off the ground.
Hey, maybe that would be good anger management?
themolk // Jul 16, 2008 at 6:50 am
So how did the strategies go, PA?
Pete // Jul 16, 2008 at 6:56 pm
Working very well so far, Sir Molk. Thanks for asking. I’m finding just taking a moment to go “Deep breath. Ok, my Dad hat’s on for the next 2 hours. And … in we go” is helping me engage and stay in the moment with them. Then they let me drift later in the evening.
I’ll try it again tomorrow!
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