When your kids go on a playdate or sleepover at another family’s house, how anxious do you feel? Do you check their credentials? Do you get to know the family first? Or do you allow the kids to go without a 2nd thought?
An article that Elizabeth at Career and Kids alerted us to, reminded me of that discomfort my wife and I sometimes feel when our kids go play elsewhere, especially when we either don’t know the parents at all OR know that they have very different values to us.
There was a parent whose son (a school-chum of Youngest Son) we kept inviting over for the day during school holidays. There was always a reason why he couldn’t come, and there was some awkwardness in the conversation as the Mum said NO.
Eventually we found out through a mutual friend that the Mum was simply nervous about letting her son spend the day with people (or more specifically with me, a male) who were basically strangers to her. And our response?
“Fair enough! We fully understand and respect that.” Some people would be offended by such a statement (”How could she think I’m a paedophile!! How dare she!!”). Me? I thought it showed she took her son’s well-being seriously. And I applaud that.
We once allowed Oldest Son to play at his friend’s house when he was 6. We knew the Mum, we weren’t completely happy about letting him go there but we figured you can’t always withold fun from your kids just coz you don’t like the friends they choose. At the end of the day we found out that the Mum had gone out for the day (shopping etc) and left my son and hers with her 13 year old daughter. That was not cool in our book. We knew and liked the daughter, she remains one of the young people I like most in the world. But a) to do that without asking us for permission was irresponsible; and b) it was unfair to the girl.
The worst one of these that happened to us (and you’d think we’d have learned our lesson) was when we left Youngest Son (aged 4) with a Kindergarten friend and Mum for the day. When my wife rang her to say she wanted to pick Son up early, the Mum said “Oh I think they’re still at the cinema.” She’d dropped the 2 four-year olds with a TEN-year old daughter at the local cinema and gone home for some Quiet Time…
[Needless to say, that was the end of that relationship outside Kinder]
What do you do to ensure your kids are in a safe environment on playdates?
Have you found that other parents have very different morals, child-rearing philosophies and values than you? If so, how has that affected the friendship between your child and theirs?
And, have your kids ever come home from a friend’s house and told you a story that made your blood curdle in your veins? ["Dad, today we tortured a stray cat. It was awesome!" "What?! Where were the parents?" "They were watching us; they loved it too!"]
14 responses so far ↓
Elizabeth // Aug 16, 2008 at 12:12 am
Holy Moly!
My best one is when my middle child, age 11 at the time, was invited over to a friend’s house kind of at the last minute.
My son was thrilled at the invitation and we knew the parents a little, and while they weren’t our favorite people, they lived in a fine neighborhood, other kids from school around, etc.
We found out later that the parents wanted my child to come over to hang out with their child because they were leaving town for the day.
Oh, did I mention her (the mother’s) wheelchair bound elderly mother lived with them and the boys were in charge of her AND the 6 year old little sister?
He’s not been back to that house.
Mike // Aug 16, 2008 at 4:55 am
Oh my god. I would have killed that parent.
We are fortunate that almost all of our playdates are at our house. They start kindergarten in a couple weeks, though, so I’m sure that’s about to change.
Pete // Aug 16, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Elizabeth, yikes! What goes through the minds of adults like this?
Mike, good choice having them at your house. Hope you find likeminded parents/families there to engage with…
MadCow // Aug 17, 2008 at 8:55 am
LA LA LA LA LA Not listening.
We had a few, very minor in comparison, incidents with DS1 ages 7, and some “private parts” viewings with a family he stayed with.
My main concern has been the food issue - as a) I have rules around eating, and b) my kids eat heaps! so I always worry about both them and the parents they’re staying with!
Two places they go its junk, junk, junk.
And I found out that includes, at one place, the main evening meal. I love this family - but man they eat rubbish.
So my kids, esp. DS1, constantly asks for food, because he’s so hungry all the time. They were invited for a sleepover the other night (fortunatley DS2 wasn’t that well) and was told “Oh, but we’ll have to stock up on junk food if your kids are coming over!”
I was floored! (not to mention slighly offended)
I just have doubts about sending them to either of these two places again, mostly due to the eating - although do try to relax a bit and think along the lines of “its a ‘night off’ for them” and, as you say Pete, the whole stopping their fun!
Argh! Is too hard basket. Perhaps should just lock them in too hard basket and then its not an issue?????
Sorry to hear of your troubles, though, not good!
Matt B // Aug 17, 2008 at 10:56 am
Kids have this habit of forcing you to socialize and network extensively. Often with people that you might otherwise never even smile at. Bless ‘em. I did it to my parents and mine, no doubt, will shortly start doing it to me…
Pete // Aug 17, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Thanks MC, that’s a more “normal” (usual?) example of what I’m talking about, where it’s not as clear cut as in other cases. It’s a fine line we walk between micromanaging our kids’ lives and duty of care (= love!).
And Matt, that is so true. It’s probably part of being a grown-up to have to get along with people who you don’t see eye-to-eye with … I guess the ultimate version of this will be the eventual In-Laws! Scary…
jonathan // Aug 21, 2008 at 3:12 am
I haven’t had much experience yet with this. I have questioned the decisions my stepdaughters bio father has made. But I have little input in those matters.
MadCow // Aug 21, 2008 at 9:36 pm
Matt, so, so true. And sometimes I wish the wouldn’t do that!
I try to look at the bright side … um, at least they’re getting me to broaden my horizons????
Ann Logsdon // Aug 25, 2008 at 5:23 am
Once my daughter came home from a sleepover and told me that her friend built a fire in the fireplace in the night and that a flaming log rolled out onto the carpet. They (the kids) had a difficult time getting the log back into the fireplace. I could write a book on that one. Since then, we’ve started planning all the sleepovers at our house. I try to make sure everyone has a wonderful time and just doesn’t want to go anywhere else.
Danielle // Aug 25, 2008 at 9:49 am
NO… I don’t want to think about that! I always say to the kids (aged 5 & 7) “you socialise at school, afterschool and weekends is family time” so far that’s worked for me.
Pete // Aug 25, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Ann, that’s a fairly scary anecdote to have your child tell you. Yikes.
Danielle, that will only work for a few more years.
Danielle // Aug 26, 2008 at 9:52 am
I’ll take a few more years, then I’ll think of something else!
Pete // Aug 26, 2008 at 7:45 pm
heh heh, one step ahead, that’s all you have to be…
Peter // Sep 14, 2008 at 4:38 am
Again, few bad stories for so many good ones.
The most important is: Did you child like it or not ?
Stop leaving in fear
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