Permission to Fail

I’m not a believer in excuses. I’m a believer is self-development, in intentionally mentoring our children. I’m a believer in (& hopefully practitioner of) giving your best and reaching for your best, especially as a parent, step-parent, guardian…

But. Us Gen X-ers in particular are wonderfully adept at feeling guilty about our parenthood. [for more, see for example Daddy Daze's thoughts on the topic].

My two cents worth today - unglamorous and poorly worded – is really simple. Come to terms with the fact that you are going to screw up as a parent. Come to terms with the fact that the last time your kids will ever be perfect is the moment they were born. From there on it, they’re as fallible as you and I. They will screw up too.

I don’t think parenting is about perfection, but about loving and responsible engagement. Give yourself permission to fail even while stretching yourself to be a better man or woman.

Wednesday’s What’s Worse?

Ok, time to rant and roll…

What’s worse?

1. The smell of old cigarette smoke that’s soaked into upholstery or clothes
2. That first wiff that tells you baby did a whoopsy
3. The aroma of way-too-much perfume or deoderant on the body of a person who lost their sense of smell years ago

hiding in a drawer?!

Once when experimenting with ideas for this site, I came up with the image above.

What the hell is that about?! you might be wondering. Well, I guess I was referring to the “withdrawal instinct” that seems normal for Men when we experience the evil twins Overwhelm and Overload. You know what I mean:

• your kids are screaming at a pitch that’s like having a fork jabbed into your brain stem
• your wife is in conflict with you over something that seems totally irrelevant, irrational & inconsequential and you can’t figure out how to end the conflict without collateral damage
• you’re trying to figure out a solution to the latest financial crisis and three different children want you to do three different things with them all now…

FatheredFive once described it as “being pecked to death by ducks“! His post got to the heart of the matter and spawned a bunch of passionate comments on that feeling. I was one of those commenting, because he expertly touched that nerve in me…

It occured to me as I was reading his post and the conversation after it, that engaging proactively and lovingly with others is the big developmental task for Fathers, especially those of us in our 20s-40s.

Retreating to the backyard workshop, the den, the home office, Moe’s Tavern or even the TV – it’s the instinct to withdraw driving those choices.

It’s the decision to go with the “flight” instead of the “fight” response to something/one stressing us.

Sullenly sitting in front of the TV, storming out to Moe’s Tavern, heading into the home office and closing the door -they’re the easy way out where no one gets hurt, right?

Or so we think.

Sure, we don’t break our beer stein over the dog’s head, beat our wife or go all Steven Seagal on our children. But.

By pulling away, we actually create little tears (not the boo hoo kind, the ripping a cloth kind) in the relationships.

Our goal is to enter into the fray and sort it out, but to do that with everyone’s best interests at heart. Bloody difficult and bloody hard work! But bloody well worth it in the end.

How are you guys finding proactive loving engagement difficult?

And where are you seeing the proof of it being “well worth it”?

Suffering in Silence

I actually wrote this about 18 months ago, but felt it’s one of those topics worth revisiting. So I’ve simply reposted it in the hope that it’ll encourage someone or help them identify what the hell’s going on for them right now, so they can get through it…

In Melbourne Australia, we’ve just had a news report about the high incidence of fathers suffering post-natal depression. These reports have popped up very occasionally over the last 5 or 6 years, but don’t seem to get a lot of attention. I think that – amidst all the whacky tomfoolery on this blog – this is a topic worth commenting on.

In fact, you may be a new Dad who’s feeling really bad and can’t work out why. You’re suffering in silence. You might have never come across the concept of New Dads being lumbered with Depression (”That’s just for the chicks, isn’t it?”).

Just knowing this can help you start climbing out of it. (I say “climbing out of it” rather than “accepting it”, because we men are problem-solvers and if you are suffering from this, it’s not a once-and-for-all deal! good news huh?)

I’ll refer you first to a blogpost by Age newspaper columnist Sacha Molitorisz from February 2007. It’s especially worth reading the comments at the bottom of the page: some perspective from real people.

Next, I’ve included below some excerpts from the Australian study “PERINATAL MOOD DISORDERS: DEFINITIONS, TREATMENT AND IMPLICATIONS” by Robert Lindsey July 2004…

Perinatal mood disorders affect both men and women. Most parents are more vulnerable after the birth of their children than at any other time in their life cycle.

For the father they experience the pregnancy, labour, delivery and parenting in a different way to mothers and differences in their daily experiences, mismatched expectations of each other can lead to build up of resentment in their relationship. Ten percent of males will experience depression in their life and most of these episodes will last between four to twelve months. Often dad’s feel marginalized, exhausted and depressed and little help is available for them from health professionals.

New fathers have reported that they experience less sleep, freedom, attention, and sexual activity, limited support from colleagues and increased work, performance anxiety and responsibility. If men become stressed at home, it can affect their work negatively. The two major stresses for men are:

• Role overload (feeling that their responsibilities in one area are making them less effective in another).
• Arguments with their partners and children.

In a further study conducted by Flinders University and reported in this article, many men were ill prepared for the impact that raising a child would have on their sex lives. The decline in satisfaction and frequency of intercourse in the year after their birth can cause significant distress among men. Some of the subsequent traits included increased use of alcohol, withdrawing socially and becoming detached from the child.

*****

I’ve been thinking a lot about the whole “feeling flat” thing in general this year. It doesn’t surprise me that many men experience this after not only the first but even subsequent children are born.

In conversation over dinner last night, my wife (Ninja) chipped in the observation that women are also more physically prepared (in some ways) because they are used to the sleeplessness etc. (This is not to minimise how hard it is for women at all!) Her point was that men are suddenly thrust into months (I say years!) of broken sleep as well as high demands on their emotional and physical reserves – and often have to go out and meet high demands in the workplace as well. They don’t come home to a rest but to more demands. (I thought this was very empathetic of my wife – maybe she’ll let me out of doing the dishes tonight!)

I also wonder whether the malaise comes and goes for us men. It stems from different things for different men.

I was truly happy around the births of my two boys (the ones living that is – another one was born in between them died at birth). I found the adjustment to fatherhood physically wearing, but the first year was actually the easiest in many ways. It’s gotten more and more challenging as the years have worn on. There’s been many times I’ve sunk into the malaise for months at a time – functional, but not contributing anywhere near my best to my work, my mission, my family, my self.

Were it not for my “brothers” – some blunt, funny, fair dinkum, encouraging, stretching friends – with steel in their backbones, kids of their own and open hearts and lives – I think I’d have royally screwed up parenting. They’ve kept me on track and helped me look after myself so I can look after others…

If I could recommend anything humbly to men having a hard time of life, parenthood, midlife, whatever, it would be this:

DON’T GO IT ALONE. GET A GROUP OF GUYS AROUND YOU WHO GIVE YOU BOTH HIGH STANDARDS TO LIVE UP TO BUT ALSO GIVE YOU THE SUPPORT, THE COMPANY AND RESOURCING YOU NEED.

Lord of the Love Languages

by Jonathan of Growing Up Wth The Kids …

About two weeks ago, I read “The Five Love Languages of Children”, after Pete recommended it on his monthly newsletter Whetstone.  The book was a quick read despite being packed with information.  The main premise of the book is that a child is more likely to behave well and respond to direction if the child feels loved and loved without conditions.

This information is nothing groundbreaking; as a matter of fact, this key idea has been in print since the Bible.  So, why bother discussing this book?  Good question,  one good reason is that the second element of the book states that not only do we need to let children know they are unconditionally loved, but we have to do so in a way they understand-hence the “five” languages of love.  A second good reason for reading the book, you may be like me and need a reminder that you may be so caught up in rewarding good behavior and disciplining bad behavior that your child perceives that love must be earned.

I have less than three years before my stepdaughter is out of the house and up until the moment I read the book I had been ticking off the days until my stepdaughter moved away.  Her behavior and the communication within our household have been on a downward spiral for months.  I came into her life just before she became a teen and until that point she had rarely experienced any rules or consequences.  The mean old stepdad entered the picture and she was no longer allowed to talkback, she was expected to do chores, and she was expected to pick up after herself.

In hindsight, it wasn’t a battle that I should have begun.  I’m a take charge sort of guy and when I saw her treat her mother the way she did I stepped in.  I tried to get mom to make the changes, but mom was too used to the verbal assault to even recognize it.  Had I known better, I would have waited, though it would have driven me nuts to watch my wife be on the receiving end of threats, cut-downs, and screaming tantrums.  Had I known better, I would have developed a relationship with my stepdaughter before I started trying to teach her some manners and responsibility.  From the beginning I set up a conditional love pattern.  I established rewards for good behavior and consequences for bad behavior.  What I didn’t do was let her know I love her, just because.

As the spiral continued ever downward I have been able to get mom on board with the rewards and consequences.  We dug in our heels deeper and have been fighting harder to “teach” her responsibilities.  The whole family is battle harden by the endeavor. 

I didn’t realize it until I read “The Five Love Languages of Children.”  By the third chapter I started having a playback of life in our household over the past years and I see that my stepdaughter hasn’t been given unconditional love in a long time.  Not just from me, but mom has also been caught up in trying to teach her to be responsible.  I understood after the third chapter that my stepdaughter fighting us way too much for it to be a matter of her not “learning.”  It was most likely defiance, because she doesn’t realize that we do love her.

I resolved to let her know we loved her in a big way.  On a day she was fighting with her mother, I took her out and spent the entire day with her and made sure I communicated to her that she was loved in each of the different languages of love, hoping that the shotgun approached would hit home.  It did.  She was responsive and open the entire day.  It was a wonderful day and communication opened up in the household …for a few days. 

I knew that one big day wouldn’t change things forever, but I didn’t realize how unprepared I was for the day she reverted to her usual defiance.  I had made a big effort to show love to her and it involved opening up emotionally.  This, is something the book doesn’t cover, (Perhaps, because it is really isn’t intended for stepfamilies.), but I wasn’t ready for the sense of betrayal and hurt that occurred the very next time she didn’t get her way.  Instead of the level conversation we had earlier in the week, as soon as she didn’t get what she wanted she went for the jugular and through the weekend back in my face.  She continued to say mean things and I was sucked in.  I was hurt and I was angry. It was a nasty fight and I was back to ticking off days until she was out of my life.

Then last night I finished watching the Lord of The Rings and a melancholy nostalgia for my childhood came over me.  I spent the last half hour of my evening locked away in a room enjoying a fading memory of how great my childhood was and how easy I had really wanted Middle Earth to exist.  In the reverence I understood that I was able to feel that because as I child I wasn’t worried about whether my parents loved me or not.  I knew they did.  They obviously spoke my language, because I never questioned it, consequently my behavior wasn’t about getting attention.  I was happy to wonder into new worlds and imagine and enjoy.  And then I thought about my stepdaughter’s life, again.  Does she enjoy life?  Or is she so busy trying to find a sense of love from somebody that she can’t enjoy the other things?  And so,  as I turned out the lights and went  to bed I did so knowing that tonight I have to set my hurt aside, stop ticking of the days and try once again to let my stepdaughter know she is loved.  And, more importantly, know that she will be weary of hearing it and will test it.  I know now that this is exactly what she was doing to me.  She wanted to believe that last weekend was real, but she doesn’t want to get hurt if it isn’t and so she tested me and will test me again.

Readers of “The Five Love Languages” beware.  The book has a powerful message and powerful tools, but with great power, comes great responsibility.  By all means, use what it teaches, but if you suspect your child feels that they haven’t known love for some time, be ready for them to test it and test you.  Be ready to love, despite the mean things they can say.

***

Jonathan is a longtime friend of Freakedout Fathers, a school prinicipal and author of the blog Growing Up Wth The Kids.

Breaking Routine

I don’t know about you, but I’m a huge believer in routine. Routine helps keep things on track, lowers stress, enables punctuality and completion of tasks, prepares the children of the family for adulthood (and protects the adults from a nervous breakdown).

But. It can be a great thing to break that routine, in the sense of doing something out of the ordinary. Like the times I played Pumpkin Rugby and Zombie Tag with the boys. The time Youngest Son and I went to an audition together. The time I took the boys for an hour’s drive to another beach (we live at the beach) where I knew there was a tidal stream we could dam with logs and such, put up with their complaining at the length of the drive and their requests to turn around, and partook of their joy at damming that stream when we finally got there.

It’s an effort to break routine. And it doesn’t always pay off. But the potential is there for the unexpected, the memorable, the “bonding-moments” to happen.

How could you do something out of the ordinary with the kids over the next week? For me, I’m planning to take Oldest Son out for icecream on Sunday. The best conversations seem to happen out of the house and over food (well sugar anyway)…