Lord of the Love Languages

by Jonathan of Growing Up Wth The Kids …

About two weeks ago, I read “The Five Love Languages of Children”, after Pete recommended it on his monthly newsletter Whetstone.  The book was a quick read despite being packed with information.  The main premise of the book is that a child is more likely to behave well and respond to direction if the child feels loved and loved without conditions.

This information is nothing groundbreaking; as a matter of fact, this key idea has been in print since the Bible.  So, why bother discussing this book?  Good question,  one good reason is that the second element of the book states that not only do we need to let children know they are unconditionally loved, but we have to do so in a way they understand-hence the “five” languages of love.  A second good reason for reading the book, you may be like me and need a reminder that you may be so caught up in rewarding good behavior and disciplining bad behavior that your child perceives that love must be earned.

I have less than three years before my stepdaughter is out of the house and up until the moment I read the book I had been ticking off the days until my stepdaughter moved away.  Her behavior and the communication within our household have been on a downward spiral for months.  I came into her life just before she became a teen and until that point she had rarely experienced any rules or consequences.  The mean old stepdad entered the picture and she was no longer allowed to talkback, she was expected to do chores, and she was expected to pick up after herself.

In hindsight, it wasn’t a battle that I should have begun.  I’m a take charge sort of guy and when I saw her treat her mother the way she did I stepped in.  I tried to get mom to make the changes, but mom was too used to the verbal assault to even recognize it.  Had I known better, I would have waited, though it would have driven me nuts to watch my wife be on the receiving end of threats, cut-downs, and screaming tantrums.  Had I known better, I would have developed a relationship with my stepdaughter before I started trying to teach her some manners and responsibility.  From the beginning I set up a conditional love pattern.  I established rewards for good behavior and consequences for bad behavior.  What I didn’t do was let her know I love her, just because.

As the spiral continued ever downward I have been able to get mom on board with the rewards and consequences.  We dug in our heels deeper and have been fighting harder to “teach” her responsibilities.  The whole family is battle harden by the endeavor. 

I didn’t realize it until I read “The Five Love Languages of Children.”  By the third chapter I started having a playback of life in our household over the past years and I see that my stepdaughter hasn’t been given unconditional love in a long time.  Not just from me, but mom has also been caught up in trying to teach her to be responsible.  I understood after the third chapter that my stepdaughter fighting us way too much for it to be a matter of her not “learning.”  It was most likely defiance, because she doesn’t realize that we do love her.

I resolved to let her know we loved her in a big way.  On a day she was fighting with her mother, I took her out and spent the entire day with her and made sure I communicated to her that she was loved in each of the different languages of love, hoping that the shotgun approached would hit home.  It did.  She was responsive and open the entire day.  It was a wonderful day and communication opened up in the household …for a few days. 

I knew that one big day wouldn’t change things forever, but I didn’t realize how unprepared I was for the day she reverted to her usual defiance.  I had made a big effort to show love to her and it involved opening up emotionally.  This, is something the book doesn’t cover, (Perhaps, because it is really isn’t intended for stepfamilies.), but I wasn’t ready for the sense of betrayal and hurt that occurred the very next time she didn’t get her way.  Instead of the level conversation we had earlier in the week, as soon as she didn’t get what she wanted she went for the jugular and through the weekend back in my face.  She continued to say mean things and I was sucked in.  I was hurt and I was angry. It was a nasty fight and I was back to ticking off days until she was out of my life.

Then last night I finished watching the Lord of The Rings and a melancholy nostalgia for my childhood came over me.  I spent the last half hour of my evening locked away in a room enjoying a fading memory of how great my childhood was and how easy I had really wanted Middle Earth to exist.  In the reverence I understood that I was able to feel that because as I child I wasn’t worried about whether my parents loved me or not.  I knew they did.  They obviously spoke my language, because I never questioned it, consequently my behavior wasn’t about getting attention.  I was happy to wonder into new worlds and imagine and enjoy.  And then I thought about my stepdaughter’s life, again.  Does she enjoy life?  Or is she so busy trying to find a sense of love from somebody that she can’t enjoy the other things?  And so,  as I turned out the lights and went  to bed I did so knowing that tonight I have to set my hurt aside, stop ticking of the days and try once again to let my stepdaughter know she is loved.  And, more importantly, know that she will be weary of hearing it and will test it.  I know now that this is exactly what she was doing to me.  She wanted to believe that last weekend was real, but she doesn’t want to get hurt if it isn’t and so she tested me and will test me again.

Readers of “The Five Love Languages” beware.  The book has a powerful message and powerful tools, but with great power, comes great responsibility.  By all means, use what it teaches, but if you suspect your child feels that they haven’t known love for some time, be ready for them to test it and test you.  Be ready to love, despite the mean things they can say.

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Jonathan is a longtime friend of Freakedout Fathers, a school prinicipal and author of the blog Growing Up Wth The Kids.