Declining Role Models = Rising Teenage Violence? Totally!

The first section of a report in one of  this morning’s  newspapers (Melbourne, Aust) reads as follows:

A DECLINE in the number of male teachers is being blamed for rising youth violence.

Just 28 per cent of state schoolteachers are men, down from 32 per cent 10 years ago. Youth crime has soared in that time. Sex attacks, robberies, assaults and weapon offences have increased significantly, and psychologists and family groups told the Herald Sun the loss of male role models was an important factor.

As a parent of boys, and as a youth minister with nine-year’s experience, I couldn’t agree more.

The two spheres where boys spend almost all of their time are Home and School. Without strong, engaged and morally centred Men to learn from (and to respect) in at least one of these environments, what the hell is a boy to do when he’s looking for guidance, boundaries, affirmation?

Who’s around to convince him of lessons like  ”Real Men don’t beat the crap out of other people for fun”, “Real Men respect (themselves, other people, property)”, and “Real men take responsibility for their actions, building a better future for themselves and others” ?

 Just one week ago, I spoke at a Rotary gathering north of Melbourne about this very thing. There is a ton of information/research to support the theory that a lack of MALE PARENTING in childhood and then MALE MENTORING in adolesence leaves young males open to an anxious and self-absorbed state of being. That state of being will always have awful results. These young males are far far more likely to commit crime, live anti-social lives and develop depression than boys who are consistently fathered and mentored in an accepting, firm and affectionate manner .

At that Rotary gathering, I was calling on businesses  to get behind lunchtime or after-work PD sessions for working dads to help them further build their parenting role and skills. Afterwards, two of the men there (one an educator of thirty years experience) assured me they would be out speaking to local businesses to see it happen. They could join the dots and see they point.

Another man told me that the ex-warden of a Victorian prison (a friend of his) had researched the background of the young men who came through the prison doors and discovered in every case there was abuse or neglect by their father. (That warden changed careers and went into educating/mentoring those young offenders).

There are simple and there are not-so-simple things a Dad can do to build the bonds with their sons before anti-social behaviour gets a grip. Dads are the best mentor a boy can have (though not the only ones of course). We all just need time to think through them and work out what to do…

But few men even think of going to a ‘parenting class’ or reading a ‘parenting book’. Peer-mentoring and interactive environments that fit into our lifestyle are a far better first step.

That’s why if you’re an Aussie reading this, it’s not just me who needs you to suggest to your HR department or business owner that they talk to me about running PD for working Dads, it’s the working Dads and their sons.

Is that because I’m the best communicator in the country and the Keeper of Ancient Wisdom that no one else has? I’m not that conceited,. But I do know what works and I’m bloody good at helping other people get a handle on it for themselves. And I’m stepping up to the plate to do something about this. Talk to me. Get your boss to talk to me. One government office asked me for a proposal for lunchtime seminars for Dads last week under the banner of work-life balance. I salute them for ‘getting’ it. Let’s get more workplaces on board! We can turn things around and prevent the upcoming generation of young men from following in the footsteps of their slightly older counterparts…

 

Related Posts:

• Enough is Enough
• Rites of Passage
• Covering All Bases parenting program
• Dads Influence Their Daughters’ Interest In Math
• Fear of Fun? Or Fear of Failure?

The Big Red Button

As hard as I try to be cool calm and collected, there are moments where the kids just seem hellbent on pushing the anger button – that big red button that sets my blood to boil, that big red button that says “DO NOT PRESS” written on it in a font that only kids can’t understand…

I admit that I have to fumble around for ages to pop the button back out again (ie., defuse the temper). Sometimes I wish it simply wasn’t there but it is and I have to deal with it…

The main two ways they seem to press  mine are

1) telling me they are/aren’t doing something when the opposite is clearly true. eg: Oldest Son says “I’m not doing anything to him” while his arms are wrapped around his brother’s neck…

2) ignoring me. I realise analytically (rationally) that this is normal, that it’s not personal, that whatever it is they’re doing is just soaking up their available bandwidth and Dad’s voice can’t get through. I know the techniques for calmly gaining their attention. But this still gets to me!!!!!

[Deep breath]

So. What presses yours?

Enough is Enough

All you Melbournites saw Sunday’s horrendous crash that took 5 young lives and shattered dozens of other lives, right?

The police urge parents to step in and find out where their children were going and how they were getting there. I gotta tell ya, at 16, 17, 18, 19 – if you don’t have the kind of relationship where that’s already happening, it ain’t gonna start now.

Folks, help me help some Dads save some lives. Some of you must know a Dad in Melbourne with sons about to hit adolesence, or Dad who’s got one son already doing stupid stuff and wants to do something about the next son not following in his brother’s footsteps. TELL THEM TO CONTACT ME! Someone must know a business looking to improve their public profile as an awesome supporter of families and youth welfare:  TELL THEM TO CONTACT ME!

Please, we actually can do something about changing this! In just one weekend, we can keep/start the ball rolling in the right direction for 15 young men and their dads.

Rites of Passage

This post was originally published here on FoF at the end of March 2009. It’s one of the many that was lost during the Malicious Code Attack of August 09, but thanks to my great friend Leah Maclean, we’ve found it and am republishing it here. Almost a year down the track, it’s interesting for me to read it again, and hope it is to you too. Sorry to those who commented last time and whose valuable comments were lost!

My oldest son (affectionately known here by his tag Ewrokka) celebrated his 13th birthday recently. We celebrated with a kind of bar mitzvah. No we’re not Jewish and my Jewish friends would probably think it nothing like a true bar mitzvah; but the similarity was in the purpose of the event - to welcome Ewrokka into young manhood.

For many years, I’ve read the writings of men who say rites of passage, male inititation, the bestowing of identity and confidence and responsibility on adolescent males is sadly missing in Anglo/Western society. Traditionally througout history, throughout the world, the time between 12 and 14 in a male’s life was the time of entry into the World of Men. We have ditched that for an invention of the Industrial Age: the teenage boy.

Our intention was to bestow manhood on my son, with all of the people present (men and women, boys and girls) telling him what they love and respect about him and with many of the men present giving him a word of wisdom and a prayer for his future adventure and contribution to the world.

I’ll say no more about it unless I have express permission from him. We have another collection of challenges for him and some friends to complete over the next 12 months (whose Fathers have gathered together to focus on this year of their sons’ lives). This will culminate with another very different “rite of passage”.

But I’d like to flag the issue of the rite of passage for young males here. (And young females too … I have boys, so I can only focus on my experience with them).

So fellas, what has been your experience with becoming a man? How did you know you were one? Did any significant older males spend time with you during your ‘teens’ and ‘preteens’ to become a compass or mentor to you?

What rituals have you had around coming-of-age for your children, male or female?

Smacking

Giving a child a smack. Is there any topic that parents could be more divided over in their opinions? Is there any topic in which ‘experts’ could be more divided… etc?

Let’s compare two recent articles in our Australian press about the topic.

The first article is from last September: Smacking can lower a child’s IQ

“Wow”, thought I, “so that’s what’s wrong with me.”

I’d be impressed with these kinds of headlines if the article actually delivered something to substantiate it. In fact, it was fairly thin and turned around to endorsing smacking in certain circumstances. The main gist of the case presented against any smacking at all went like this

He called on governments to outlaw corporal punishment.

After studying 800 toddlers aged between two and four over a four-year period, he found those who were subjected to smacking had an IQ five points lower than that of a child who wasn’t physically disciplined.

When I read this, one of the things I wondered was “Or could you interpret this data as meaning that kids with lower IQ will tend to be naughtier?” – the article didn’t join the dots and I feel for the researcher (though I disagree with him) because I’m sure his research hasn’t been abley represented here.

A far more helpful perspective, I felt, was this one:

While not an advocate of smacking, Sydney psychologist Dr Judith Kennedy said parents who gave an occasional tap on the bottom should not fear damaging their child. “But a child who is suppressed through physical punishment regularly is going to behave differently,” Dr Kennedy said.

I can see that. There’s a difference between discipline and bullying, as there is between disciplilne and abuse. But I’d be interested in your thoughts, if you have time to read the article itself…

Then there was this second article which came out this week: A smacked child ‘is a successful child’ - the exact opposite claim to the first study, also supported by research. (I loved the comment in this article: “Research into the effects of smacking was previously hampered by the inability to find enough children who had never been smacked, given its past cultural acceptability.”)

The main gist of this latest article/study went like this:

According to the research, children smacked up to the age of six were likely as teenagers to perform better at school and were more likely to carry out volunteer work and to want to go to university than their peers who had never been physically disciplined.

Only those children who continued to be smacked into adolescence showed clear behavioral problems.

Again, I wish they would tease out some of the chains-of-logic within the research, because seriously, you can make statistics say anything you want. (For instance, did you know that 67% of statistics are made up on the spot?) But as someone who isn’t convinced that the odd smack on the bottom = child abuse, I find a study like this very interesting…

My kids haven’t had a smacked bottom in many many years. It was something I never dolled out routinely or often. It felt very very bad to do it. And in all but one case (when the behaviour was due to me feeding him too many coco pops – food additives and all that), I don’t regret it from a “shaping my kids to be better people” perspective. But I have always leaned toward other forms of behaviour managment, and as I say, I haven’t used it since they were young. It was a last resort when their attention needed some serious grabbing…

For my oldest son, financial penalties have been and still are the best form of consequence and punitive discipline. For my youngest, loss of technology priveleges and time outs (where he returns to family life when he decides he can control his temper etc) are the best. (The money one doesn’t work for him).

Quite seriously, the other means of preventing both of them from behaving irresponsibly/disrespectfully are:

• natural consequences. (You made the mess, you clean it.)
• loss of xbox time.
• the threat of a good “talking-to” by dad. Yes. Seriously. (”Son. Do you want me to have a talk to you about this?” “No, Dad, it’s ok, I’ll stop. I’ll never do it again. Just please, PLEASE, don’t give me a serious talking-to about this!!!”). Apparently, I’m boring. Well, whatever works…
• Prevention. Taking them aside BEFORE something happens, or training them to appreciate certain values so that they manage their own behaviour. See, sometimes the talk-with-Dad approach does work, but it’s usually in a positive relaxed manner … and usually involves going out for McDonalds or icecream…

So where do you draw the lines in your discipline of your kids? What’s your opinion on the whole smacking thing?

If you want to leave a comment anonymously, just leave out the website thing. (You’ll have to trust me when it asks for the email address; that’s one of those blog design things I can’t change. But as an accredited life coach, the ethics of my professional prevent me from disclosing things you tell me in confidence anyway … unless you’re really really abusing your kids. If you are, I don’t want to know…)

Subscription Kaniptions

Just a short one today. Make sure when you sign up for a month’s subscription for your son with “Webosaurs” (think Club Penguin with dinosaurs beating the hell out of each other), that you read the fine print carefully.

Having purchased multiple single-month-only subscriptions from Club Penguin for youngest son over the year, I assumed things would work the same with the new guys. IE., you purchase a month’s subscription and you get a month’s subscription and when it runs out, it runs out.

Oh no. You purchase a month’s subscription and if you don’t cancel it before the month runs out, you automatically purchase a second. (That’s a diplomatic way of saying “I feel like Webosaurs went into my paypal account and stole 6 bucks from me but I’m probably at fault here somewhere and even if I’m not, I’ll be made to feel that way – and in fact I was when I contacted Webosaurs…” etc).

Hey, it’s only $6 right?

Yeah, but it was my $6 and I didn’t want them to have it.

So word to the wiser-than-me, read the terms and conditions, read the parent’s guides on these sites carefully, ask them a bunch of questions and unless they’re owned by a reputable company like Disney, you should probably buy your kid a comic or a ball with the $6.

Behold, the Anti-Cricket!

I thought I’d blog a little before I start work for the week. At the moment I have a couple of private clients who are fun to work with – and then I have a couple of contracts which are a little less fun.

Of late, my weekends have been punctuated with anxious sessions at the computer answering emails, preparing documents that I didn’t get time for during the workweek, and sometimes bouts of do-i-really-have-to-work-tomorrow-depression on Sunday afternoons where I’m no good to anyone.

This weekend I decided no emails, no stressing about work, no wondering how I’m going to fit it all in on Monday. I decided to recharge me and recharge the relationship with the family. I spent Saturday morning attending a great seminar (where I caught up with Chris of Pink Apple and actually met Mad Cow). Once I was home it was seminar notes and briefcase into the office and Pete into the x-box room where Oldest Son was arrogantly destroying the other teams in the Polish premier soccer league (FIFA10, folks).

The rest of the day was spent in such activities. It was amazing, though,  how often a little voice would try to steal my attention (and action) away. The voice said  “I’ll just go and check my emails” and “Wouldn’t you like a nap?”  and “Your son will be fine without your attention” and “This is unproductive” and “Watching your son do stick figure animations is boring, go read a novel or draft a marketing plan or draw up a timetable or something“. I call that voice my Anti-Cricket, as in the opposite of the Jiminy Cricket conscience character in Pinoccio (or however you spell it). It’s the opposite of the voice of reason (which we blokes seem to do a better job of not listening to). Well, if I can habitually not listen to the voice that tells me “Eat the apple, not the cream bun”, then I figured I could not listen to the Anti-Cricket.

So I spent Saturday afternoon and Sunday locked in occasional battle with the Anti-Cricket and apart from couple of moments where the diary came out, I largely defeated the little bugger. It’s been a lot of fun just hanging out, rebooting my own centredness and enjoying the boys having fun.

And wierdly, sitting down to work this Monday morning with a little more to do than usual, I actually feel calm. The late Sunday depressive illness only hung around the edges of my awareness for about the length of a commercial break and was chased away by more FIFA10 and stick figure animations.

I must say, I highly recommend chilling out with a focus on the kids. Good for the soul, good for the family, and I suspect good for the work output overall.

The Anti-Cricket can go chirp up someone else’s tree next weekend too.

Teeth

Teeth. Sigh. Is there anything more tedious than brushing them, flossing them, buffing them, glossing them? (Sorry, I got possessed by the spirit of Dr Seuss for a moment there…)

But ya gotta do it. I am the unproud bearer of yellow ones because I didn’t look after them as a teenager. I am missing a few due to decay and have fillings in others. So as I raise my boys, it’s important to me to have them eat right and look after their teeth.

But important to me and important to them are two different things. I don’t know whether I’ve talked about the difference between my 2 boys; I often sing the theme from the Odd Couple as they pass by.

Oldest Son is kinda like Felix, but with a surfer hair style and much better dress sense. And youngest son is of course Oscar the slob. Oh, he doesn’t mean to be, but neat hair, unstained clothes and having space to walk across the bedroom floor just aren’t priorities when there are so many other things to focus on, like daydreaming, daydreaming and his favorite passtime daydreaming.

So guess which one has trouble with his teeth? Yep: Oscar. Sigh. But sometimes the more you push, or manipluate or trick the kids with fancy psychology, the more they just resist. The tooth debate is in recess at the moment at my house (during which he’ll probably surprise me and get out the electric toothbrush to start buffing…)

Today I came across some helpful material on the Raising Children Network here in Oz. The first item I’ll link to is a video about eating habits and tooth care which features a nice cameo from Russell Crowe. (What a great voice!). The second is an article about School-age dental care. Both have links off to other topics in the series.

WARNING DAD JOKE: So don’t give your kids’ dental health the brushoff; go check out these links.

Saving $$$

I don’t know about you, folks, but teaching kids to save money has been an important thing to me, and something that I practised from the time they first earned pocket money. It was always an uphill battle, as kids see money and want to spend it (just like I do).

One of the disciplines I instilled in them was to give them a saving target – either an item they wanted to buy or an amount (say $20 for an 8 year old). I also for a while insisted that they save half of their allowance while free to spend the remainder as soon as they wanted (= immediately).

And then I have relatives whose kids own shares by the time they’re 13 or buy their own xboxes in record time because of the saving habits and work ethics they’ve developed.

So what practises do you use in your family when it comes to kids and finances?

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In other news, I’m currently on holidays, so if I don’t reply, I”m not ignoring you. Feel free to comment and have a grand old conversation amongst yourselves without me. Just don’t be one of those jerks who tries to fill my comments pages with swearwords and links to naughty sites .

(Loosely) Related Posts:

• What Would MacGyver Do?
• New Dads

Boys and Reading

We’re often told (or we’re seeing) that adolescent males don’t read. Well…

We had high school parent-teacher interviews this week and had four great conversations with four great teachers. Really revitalized our faith in the teaching profession after a bad year last year at a different school.

One of the conversations we had was with oldest son’s history teacher – a terrific fella who loves Monty Python as much as do and who (when I said “My son didn’t start your class expecting the Spanish Inquisition”) responded correctly with “Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!” (follow the link if you don’t get the humor).

More intelligently, he made a great point that adolesent lads tend to read  only about what obsesses them. When suddenly they are captivated by soccer, start leaving soccer magazines and books and websites open around the place, and they’ll read. When they become obsessed about heavy metal, leave that around the place. In other words, young men in their teens are not natural readers unless there is something to read for.

Now me as a teenager, I was so captivated by the escapism of star wars that I’d read anything science fiction that I could get my hands on … even if I didn’t understand it (I’m talking to you, Asimov!). Similarly, when I began to follow Manchester United I even read a “biography” of the team. Currently oldest son, who can read very well but has traditionally been averse to reading books since he got too old for me to read for him, now can be found almost nightly reading up on Medieval History (largely due to the influence of this teacher).

What’s your experience of this, to the positive or to the contrary? What could you “leave around” for your son to pick up and read?

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By the way, I will be on holidays from all things web-based from the 19th to the 30th September, so if  I don’t reply to your comments then, don’t feel slighted. You have my permission to carry on conversations in my absence – as long as you keep it civil.

And no, Mr Thief, I won’t be away from my house, so don’t go trying to rob me during that period.

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Loosely related posts:

• Teacher v. Parent?
• Behaviour Managment for Boys
• Dads Influence Their Daughters’ Interest In Math
• Student Leadership

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