2nd, a very loud and sympathetic OUCH! to those Kiwi dads who are “celebrating” Father’s Day in Christchurch. We’re all horrified to see the pictures of the devestation and can only imagine the stress it’s placing on you and yours. Here’s hoping that somehow today you all get at least one moment of joy with your families.

(Now, 4 years later, I can’t remember what the heck he was doing that was getting me so worked up).

He patiently listened to me describing the situation and anguishing over my inability to stop my son from doing whatever it was he was doing. When there came a lull in my whining, my friend leant forward and simply said,

“Pete. That’s what 6 year olds do.”

It was all I needed. It was epiphany. It told me that I was stressing about something that was normal. That I needed to put my energy into directing my son’s energy rather than trying to shut it off. It was a vital reality check, a calming thought.

That’s what 6 year olds do.

This kind of self-talk helps me overcome Gen X anxiety around having perfect kids.

AND Gen X guilt over not being able to make the kids perfect. (It’s stupid when you verbalize it, but it’s what many of us suffer with).

What do you tell yourself to calm yourself down, to give your kids some grace, to be more positive and proactive around them?

The last two months have reminded me of the importance of respect … as well as its leverage power with adolescents.

I’ve been fortunate enough to have filled in for a School Chaplain for a term while he travelled overseas. During that time I obviously had a fair bit of interaction with teenagers, most of whom come from generational poverty and home lives that are less than optimal.

And yet no matter how bad the home life, each and every one of them understood the concept of respect. And when I asked for better behaviour in the small groups I was running, I did so on the basis of respect (”I respect you by listening to you, etc. I require you to respect me in similar fashion”) which on the whole worked very well.

This reminded me (as did a conversation with another Dad yesterday) that we often require respect from our kids, but don’t give it. Example: when the kid’s distracted by TV and doesn’t hear what you’re saying it’s them being naughty; when I’m distracted and don’t hear my kid talking, it’s being “busy”).  Example: We say “Pick up those socks, now!!” and call it exercising authority; the kid says “I want a biscuit!” and we call it rudeness.

What say you?

“My wife/partner tells me off for wrestling with the kids. She says I’m teaching them to be violent…”

“My wife/partner won’t let me wrestle with the kids…”

“My wife/partner makes me feel guilty for wrestling with the kids, so I try not to do it anymore…”

And then each time the fella finishes his comment much the same way:

“…but I feel like it’s ok. So is it?”

My answer:

“Yes. It is.”

I could finish this there. But. Every answer has to be qualified. And then when you’re writing (or speaking), you feel like adding more of your opinion as well. So here it is…

It’s a very very healthy thing for a Dad to play-wrestle with his kids. (Notice I added play there?) We’re not talking about molestation. We’re not talking about Dads beating up on their children or pushing them around. We’re talking about play.

Kids NEED to be physically touched by both parents. And at various ages and for various reasons, it becomes uncool to kiss or cuddle with daddy. So then what’s a dad to do? And what’s a kid to do? Shake hands? Nahhhh, you grab each other around the shoulder and start rumbling.

One of the other things this achieves, particularly with boys, is that it’s a way of teaching them boundaries, of when they’ve crossed the line and getting too rough. For boys to pit their strength against a bigger stronger male is a valuable way of learning to empathize and control-self.

Alright. So you’re saying (or your missus is reading this and saying) “Who are you Pete? What do you know about it? Why should I believe you? What makes you the expert?”

Okay, if you don’t trust me, go read these articles below. Then google dads wrestling with children. Or you could meet my sons and see the real life effects of a decade of Dads and Sons play-wrestling. Yes, I’ve gotten a couple of fat lips and a fair few bruises (and they’ve gotten virtually none!), but my 13 year old still gives me a hug. They’re both empathetic human beings (except with each other!). And they both play rough games with their mates without it ever escalating… Anyway, go read these other articles.

And feel free to share your stories and objections and here-heres in the comments area.

• http://www.pacthawaii.org/images/hcdimages/HelpingDADSgetmoreinvolved.pdf (look at #3)
• http://www.dadmag.com/archive/060100mrsdad.php
• http://innerself.com/html/parenting/general/creating-a-happy-home.html (look at #20)

Slightly Related Posts:

• Covering All Bases parenting program
• Dads Influence Their Daughters’ Interest In Math
• Fear of Fun? Or Fear of Failure?
• Lord of the Love Languages

Amongst the busyness I’ve been:

• Trying my hand at short story writing, with 3 ‘rejections’ from magazines to my credit and one ‘maybe, we’ll have our editor take a look at it’
• Negotiating, negotiating, negotiating – with community groups and business to find the right service(s) for working dads to support them in their parenting / work-life balance. (We’re getting there – one company has signed me up to run 2 lunchtime seminars for Dads in the organisation).
• Playing taxi driver to two boys who play soccer, tennis and train in bass guitar and tap dancing. (Ok, the lady wife does the tap dancing taxi driving).
• Training out of school youth to get them jobs … and a vision for life.
• Jotting the odd article for other ‘zines: see Cometh the Hour, Cometh the Man over at Family Capers.
• completing a Voice Over course … you never know, they may be MY dulcet tones you’re hearing on that documentary or commercial.

In amongst all this, the occasional event has taken me by suprise and reinforced my commitment to just being a solid father: knifing in a school, a primary (elemntary) school girl holding a knife to another’s throat, kids wrapping cars full of their friends around trees and telephone poles… and even the young people who turn up to my Wednesday/Thursday classes, who are good human beings who’ve been dealt a bad hand…

I’m doing my best to tune out from the busyness often. To tune in to my wife and kids. To watch youngest son while he’s showing me his latest tap dancing manoevre. To remember to ask oldest son on Thursday morning about something he told me would happen at school on Wednesday. To say “Sure I’ll come on the Melbourne City Romp with you” to oldest son and sacrifice a day to be with him.

I don’t think I’m getting an A for Attentive Parenting this semester, but hopefully the mark will be better than a D. Then again, who am I to even judge myself … as if parenting were a set of competencies you have to tick off to succeed at. We’re all making it up as we go along; parenting’s a moving target and with all the distractions of modern life, it’s a blue-eyed miracle (to quote Stephen King) that we ever hit anything.

So. How you doin’?

A DECLINE in the number of male teachers is being blamed for rising youth violence.

Just 28 per cent of state schoolteachers are men, down from 32 per cent 10 years ago. Youth crime has soared in that time. Sex attacks, robberies, assaults and weapon offences have increased significantly, and psychologists and family groups told the Herald Sun the loss of male role models was an important factor.

As a parent of boys, and as a youth minister with nine-year’s experience, I couldn’t agree more.

The two spheres where boys spend almost all of their time are Home and School. Without strong, engaged and morally centred Men to learn from (and to respect) in at least one of these environments, what the hell is a boy to do when he’s looking for guidance, boundaries, affirmation?

Who’s around to convince him of lessons like  ”Real Men don’t beat the crap out of other people for fun”, “Real Men respect (themselves, other people, property)”, and “Real men take responsibility for their actions, building a better future for themselves and others” ?

 Just one week ago, I spoke at a Rotary gathering north of Melbourne about this very thing. There is a ton of information/research to support the theory that a lack of MALE PARENTING in childhood and then MALE MENTORING in adolesence leaves young males open to an anxious and self-absorbed state of being. That state of being will always have awful results. These young males are far far more likely to commit crime, live anti-social lives and develop depression than boys who are consistently fathered and mentored in an accepting, firm and affectionate manner .

At that Rotary gathering, I was calling on businesses  to get behind lunchtime or after-work PD sessions for working dads to help them further build their parenting role and skills. Afterwards, two of the men there (one an educator of thirty years experience) assured me they would be out speaking to local businesses to see it happen. They could join the dots and see they point.

Another man told me that the ex-warden of a Victorian prison (a friend of his) had researched the background of the young men who came through the prison doors and discovered in every case there was abuse or neglect by their father. (That warden changed careers and went into educating/mentoring those young offenders).

There are simple and there are not-so-simple things a Dad can do to build the bonds with their sons before anti-social behaviour gets a grip. Dads are the best mentor a boy can have (though not the only ones of course). We all just need time to think through them and work out what to do…

But few men even think of going to a ‘parenting class’ or reading a ‘parenting book’. Peer-mentoring and interactive environments that fit into our lifestyle are a far better first step.

That’s why if you’re an Aussie reading this, it’s not just me who needs you to suggest to your HR department or business owner that they talk to me about running PD for working Dads, it’s the working Dads and their sons.

Is that because I’m the best communicator in the country and the Keeper of Ancient Wisdom that no one else has? I’m not that conceited,. But I do know what works and I’m bloody good at helping other people get a handle on it for themselves. And I’m stepping up to the plate to do something about this. Talk to me. Get your boss to talk to me. One government office asked me for a proposal for lunchtime seminars for Dads last week under the banner of work-life balance. I salute them for ‘getting’ it. Let’s get more workplaces on board! We can turn things around and prevent the upcoming generation of young men from following in the footsteps of their slightly older counterparts…

Related Posts:

• Enough is Enough
• Rites of Passage
• Covering All Bases parenting program
• Dads Influence Their Daughters’ Interest In Math
• Fear of Fun? Or Fear of Failure?

I admit that I have to fumble around for ages to pop the button back out again (ie., defuse the temper). Sometimes I wish it simply wasn’t there but it is and I have to deal with it…

The main two ways they seem to press  mine are

1) telling me they are/aren’t doing something when the opposite is clearly true. eg: Oldest Son says “I’m not doing anything to him” while his arms are wrapped around his brother’s neck…

2) ignoring me. I realise analytically (rationally) that this is normal, that it’s not personal, that whatever it is they’re doing is just soaking up their available bandwidth and Dad’s voice can’t get through. I know the techniques for calmly gaining their attention. But this still gets to me!!!!!

[Deep breath]

So. What presses yours?

This post was originally published here on FoF at the end of March 2009. It’s one of the many that was lost during the Malicious Code Attack of August 09, but thanks to my great friend Leah Maclean, we’ve found it and am republishing it here. Almost a year down the track, it’s interesting for me to read it again, and hope it is to you too. Sorry to those who commented last time and whose valuable comments were lost!

My oldest son (affectionately known here by his tag Ewrokka) celebrated his 13th birthday recently. We celebrated with a kind of bar mitzvah. No we’re not Jewish and my Jewish friends would probably think it nothing like a true bar mitzvah; but the similarity was in the purpose of the event - to welcome Ewrokka into young manhood.

For many years, I’ve read the writings of men who say rites of passage, male inititation, the bestowing of identity and confidence and responsibility on adolescent males is sadly missing in Anglo/Western society. Traditionally througout history, throughout the world, the time between 12 and 14 in a male’s life was the time of entry into the World of Men. We have ditched that for an invention of the Industrial Age: the teenage boy.

Our intention was to bestow manhood on my son, with all of the people present (men and women, boys and girls) telling him what they love and respect about him and with many of the men present giving him a word of wisdom and a prayer for his future adventure and contribution to the world.

I’ll say no more about it unless I have express permission from him. We have another collection of challenges for him and some friends to complete over the next 12 months (whose Fathers have gathered together to focus on this year of their sons’ lives). This will culminate with another very different “rite of passage”.

But I’d like to flag the issue of the rite of passage for young males here. (And young females too … I have boys, so I can only focus on my experience with them).

So fellas, what has been your experience with becoming a man? How did you know you were one? Did any significant older males spend time with you during your ‘teens’ and ‘preteens’ to become a compass or mentor to you?

What rituals have you had around coming-of-age for your children, male or female?

Let’s compare two recent articles in our Australian press about the topic.

The first article is from last September: Smacking can lower a child’s IQ

“Wow”, thought I, “so that’s what’s wrong with me.”

I’d be impressed with these kinds of headlines if the article actually delivered something to substantiate it. In fact, it was fairly thin and turned around to endorsing smacking in certain circumstances. The main gist of the case presented against any smacking at all went like this

He called on governments to outlaw corporal punishment.

After studying 800 toddlers aged between two and four over a four-year period, he found those who were subjected to smacking had an IQ five points lower than that of a child who wasn’t physically disciplined.

When I read this, one of the things I wondered was “Or could you interpret this data as meaning that kids with lower IQ will tend to be naughtier?” – the article didn’t join the dots and I feel for the researcher (though I disagree with him) because I’m sure his research hasn’t been abley represented here.

A far more helpful perspective, I felt, was this one:

While not an advocate of smacking, Sydney psychologist Dr Judith Kennedy said parents who gave an occasional tap on the bottom should not fear damaging their child. “But a child who is suppressed through physical punishment regularly is going to behave differently,” Dr Kennedy said.

I can see that. There’s a difference between discipline and bullying, as there is between disciplilne and abuse. But I’d be interested in your thoughts, if you have time to read the article itself…

Then there was this second article which came out this week: A smacked child ‘is a successful child’ - the exact opposite claim to the first study, also supported by research. (I loved the comment in this article: “Research into the effects of smacking was previously hampered by the inability to find enough children who had never been smacked, given its past cultural acceptability.”)

The main gist of this latest article/study went like this:

According to the research, children smacked up to the age of six were likely as teenagers to perform better at school and were more likely to carry out volunteer work and to want to go to university than their peers who had never been physically disciplined.

Only those children who continued to be smacked into adolescence showed clear behavioral problems.

Again, I wish they would tease out some of the chains-of-logic within the research, because seriously, you can make statistics say anything you want. (For instance, did you know that 67% of statistics are made up on the spot?) But as someone who isn’t convinced that the odd smack on the bottom = child abuse, I find a study like this very interesting…

My kids haven’t had a smacked bottom in many many years. It was something I never dolled out routinely or often. It felt very very bad to do it. And in all but one case (when the behaviour was due to me feeding him too many coco pops – food additives and all that), I don’t regret it from a “shaping my kids to be better people” perspective. But I have always leaned toward other forms of behaviour managment, and as I say, I haven’t used it since they were young. It was a last resort when their attention needed some serious grabbing…

For my oldest son, financial penalties have been and still are the best form of consequence and punitive discipline. For my youngest, loss of technology priveleges and time outs (where he returns to family life when he decides he can control his temper etc) are the best. (The money one doesn’t work for him).

Quite seriously, the other means of preventing both of them from behaving irresponsibly/disrespectfully are:

• natural consequences. (You made the mess, you clean it.)
• loss of xbox time.
• the threat of a good “talking-to” by dad. Yes. Seriously. (”Son. Do you want me to have a talk to you about this?” “No, Dad, it’s ok, I’ll stop. I’ll never do it again. Just please, PLEASE, don’t give me a serious talking-to about this!!!”). Apparently, I’m boring. Well, whatever works…
• Prevention. Taking them aside BEFORE something happens, or training them to appreciate certain values so that they manage their own behaviour. See, sometimes the talk-with-Dad approach does work, but it’s usually in a positive relaxed manner … and usually involves going out for McDonalds or icecream…

So where do you draw the lines in your discipline of your kids? What’s your opinion on the whole smacking thing?

If you want to leave a comment anonymously, just leave out the website thing. (You’ll have to trust me when it asks for the email address; that’s one of those blog design things I can’t change. But as an accredited life coach, the ethics of my professional prevent me from disclosing things you tell me in confidence anyway … unless you’re really really abusing your kids. If you are, I don’t want to know…)

Having purchased multiple single-month-only subscriptions from Club Penguin for youngest son over the year, I assumed things would work the same with the new guys. IE., you purchase a month’s subscription and you get a month’s subscription and when it runs out, it runs out.

Oh no. You purchase a month’s subscription and if you don’t cancel it before the month runs out, you automatically purchase a second. (That’s a diplomatic way of saying “I feel like Webosaurs went into my paypal account and stole 6 bucks from me but I’m probably at fault here somewhere and even if I’m not, I’ll be made to feel that way – and in fact I was when I contacted Webosaurs…” etc).

Hey, it’s only $6 right?

Yeah, but it was my $6 and I didn’t want them to have it.

So word to the wiser-than-me, read the terms and conditions, read the parent’s guides on these sites carefully, ask them a bunch of questions and unless they’re owned by a reputable company like Disney, you should probably buy your kid a comic or a ball with the $6.