Obscure Lightbulb Jokes

I cleaned up Great Circle this week. As in, I took out the obscure and “unprofessional” content. And seeing as THIS blog is intentionally obscure and unprofessional, I’ll simply transplant some of it over here.

Like these riddles from a week where I had way to much time on my hands in early 2006…

Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.

Q: How many Daleks does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 1,500,000: To conquer a race than can climb ladders for them.

[That one's for Dr Who fans only]

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

Q: How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but it takes eight million years.

On the 6th Day of Christmas…

Dads, got lot’s of I’m-gonna-be-stuck-in-a-confined-space-with-bored-kids time coming at ya fast? Need more activities and ideas than you can shake a holly-branch at?

You need to visit Black Dog, my friend. Depending on the age of your kids (and their interests), there’s got to be something here to save your bacon, whether it’s a puzzle that you race them to finish – or a lame joke that will send them fleeing from your presence screaming so you and the missus can have some alone time.

That reminds me:

Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

A.  Snowflakes.

… Hey, where ya goin’? Come back!

***

BREAKING NEWS: Got an early Christmas present today: my very own slingshot monkey!!!!!!! Tried to get footage, camera broke down, more news at 11.

Dad Punners’ Society

 Ok, this post’s title is a really bad word-play on Dead Poets’ Society, but then that makes the point of this post nicely. Fathers have a really really bad habit of using puns to appear clever, squeeze a laugh from our kids, or bond with others.

 

Eventually, the puns begin to become embarrassingly bad (or tired) and yet we don’t seem to be able to let go of the blighters! It’s like we’re addicted or possessed by an evil pun-spirit or something. I mean all this pun-making is a funny thing (ok, play the sound).

Some men even push the Pun Wagon harder to force a laugh, as if repetition of the same old joke will make it funny. Puns seem like (and are)  an appropriate level of humour, as well as a valuable intellectual-development tool for children around 5-9 years old … but when we’re still using them on our adolescent ‘children’, we’re never going to get more than a polite chuckle, and more likely a groan followed by eyes rolling upward in their teenage sockets.

We’ve already had a post recently where we shared Dad Jokes. Let’s now turn to Dad Puns.

How did YOUR Dad do this? What were his best/worst? And (shudder) are you now that Dad, perpetrating Pun Abuse upon YOUR children??

Here’s just 2 of my own Dad’s classics (remembered affectionately of course!):

• Every time we drove past a cemetary (and we passed one every Saturday), we’d hear “That’s the Dead Center of town”.
• When we’d ask for something he couldn’t afford that week (I know how that feels!), and we were silly enough to ask why we couldn’t have it, he invariably reply: “Like marriage, it’s a matrimony” (= matter-of-money).

I only remember 2 because the rest have been suppressed by Dissociative Amnesia.

Am I a perpetrator of this evil upon my children? Well, I must admit, that around my older son I’ve moved beyond the puns (but returned to clownish Monty-Python-like silliness- which is probably just as bad). But I still use them with Youngest Son.

MadCow has already contributed the following two in an earlier comment (and apparently her dad practised the “dead center” one without mercy for years):

• “How’s your chicken? Mine’s fowl!”
• “Who pea’d on the floor?” (when a pea rolls off the dinner plate onto the floor)

So. What were some of your father’s favourites? And which ones do you use on your kids?

[And if you're reading, Dad, keep 'em coming!]

A few Dad Jokes that your Kids May (or may not) Like

Want to tell your kids some jokes with a twist? I’ve added two soundfiles you can play at will as you read these jokes and the ones in the comments section. You can’t have jokes without these:

Bad Joke Sound

Cool Joke Sound

1. What happened to the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer? He got a little behind with his orders!

2. What are seagulls that live by the bay? BAGELS

3. I was told that cow tongue is a delicacy, but I have a hard time tasting something that is tasting me back.

4. Two cows are standing in a field. The first one asks “Aren’t you worried about this mad cow disease?” The second one responds “It doesn’t worry me, I’m a duck”.

5. What do you call an Amish man with his hand in a horse’s butt? A mechanic.

6. Why do sharks live in salt water? Because pepper water would make them sneeze!

7. A skeleton walks into a bar and says “Give me a beer and a mop.”

8. It was so hot that I saw two trees fighting over a dog. (Thanks to Rodney Dangerfield I think for this one)

9. What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

 This last one was told to me by my kids, so chances are it’ll get some laughs at the dinner table. Then again…

Bad Dad chipped in these jokes for me:

Q. What’s yellow and points to the North?
A. A magnetic banana.

Q. Why did the chicken want to play in the band?
A. ‘Cause he had the drum sticks.

And Jonathan gave us this one, one which makes me groan in pain!

A guy walks into a bar…He should have ducked.

How could you inflict this one on defenceless children, Jonathan?

(Got any more?)