Suffering in Silence

I actually wrote this about 18 months ago, but felt it’s one of those topics worth revisiting. So I’ve simply reposted it in the hope that it’ll encourage someone or help them identify what the hell’s going on for them right now, so they can get through it…

In Melbourne Australia, we’ve just had a news report about the high incidence of fathers suffering post-natal depression. These reports have popped up very occasionally over the last 5 or 6 years, but don’t seem to get a lot of attention. I think that – amidst all the whacky tomfoolery on this blog – this is a topic worth commenting on.

In fact, you may be a new Dad who’s feeling really bad and can’t work out why. You’re suffering in silence. You might have never come across the concept of New Dads being lumbered with Depression (”That’s just for the chicks, isn’t it?”).

Just knowing this can help you start climbing out of it. (I say “climbing out of it” rather than “accepting it”, because we men are problem-solvers and if you are suffering from this, it’s not a once-and-for-all deal! good news huh?)

I’ll refer you first to a blogpost by Age newspaper columnist Sacha Molitorisz from February 2007. It’s especially worth reading the comments at the bottom of the page: some perspective from real people.

Next, I’ve included below some excerpts from the Australian study “PERINATAL MOOD DISORDERS: DEFINITIONS, TREATMENT AND IMPLICATIONS” by Robert Lindsey July 2004…

Perinatal mood disorders affect both men and women. Most parents are more vulnerable after the birth of their children than at any other time in their life cycle.

For the father they experience the pregnancy, labour, delivery and parenting in a different way to mothers and differences in their daily experiences, mismatched expectations of each other can lead to build up of resentment in their relationship. Ten percent of males will experience depression in their life and most of these episodes will last between four to twelve months. Often dad’s feel marginalized, exhausted and depressed and little help is available for them from health professionals.

New fathers have reported that they experience less sleep, freedom, attention, and sexual activity, limited support from colleagues and increased work, performance anxiety and responsibility. If men become stressed at home, it can affect their work negatively. The two major stresses for men are:

• Role overload (feeling that their responsibilities in one area are making them less effective in another).
• Arguments with their partners and children.

In a further study conducted by Flinders University and reported in this article, many men were ill prepared for the impact that raising a child would have on their sex lives. The decline in satisfaction and frequency of intercourse in the year after their birth can cause significant distress among men. Some of the subsequent traits included increased use of alcohol, withdrawing socially and becoming detached from the child.

*****

I’ve been thinking a lot about the whole “feeling flat” thing in general this year. It doesn’t surprise me that many men experience this after not only the first but even subsequent children are born.

In conversation over dinner last night, my wife (Ninja) chipped in the observation that women are also more physically prepared (in some ways) because they are used to the sleeplessness etc. (This is not to minimise how hard it is for women at all!) Her point was that men are suddenly thrust into months (I say years!) of broken sleep as well as high demands on their emotional and physical reserves – and often have to go out and meet high demands in the workplace as well. They don’t come home to a rest but to more demands. (I thought this was very empathetic of my wife – maybe she’ll let me out of doing the dishes tonight!)

I also wonder whether the malaise comes and goes for us men. It stems from different things for different men.

I was truly happy around the births of my two boys (the ones living that is – another one was born in between them died at birth). I found the adjustment to fatherhood physically wearing, but the first year was actually the easiest in many ways. It’s gotten more and more challenging as the years have worn on. There’s been many times I’ve sunk into the malaise for months at a time – functional, but not contributing anywhere near my best to my work, my mission, my family, my self.

Were it not for my “brothers” – some blunt, funny, fair dinkum, encouraging, stretching friends – with steel in their backbones, kids of their own and open hearts and lives – I think I’d have royally screwed up parenting. They’ve kept me on track and helped me look after myself so I can look after others…

If I could recommend anything humbly to men having a hard time of life, parenthood, midlife, whatever, it would be this:

DON’T GO IT ALONE. GET A GROUP OF GUYS AROUND YOU WHO GIVE YOU BOTH HIGH STANDARDS TO LIVE UP TO BUT ALSO GIVE YOU THE SUPPORT, THE COMPANY AND RESOURCING YOU NEED.

On the 8th Day of Christmas: Holidays and Non-custodial Dads

Holidays.

Is there a more emotive word for families? It can surface feelings of excitement and longing, or of anxiety and dread.

For some men – those who don’t live with their kids – it can also bring up some very sad or frustrated feelings.

An article I came across recently looked like a very helpful foray into that territory with tips (the author says) gleaned from a group of therapists. Here’s a sample:

The holidays tend to be an emotional time for non-custodial dads. There is just something about the holiday season that puts us in a nostalgic mood, remembering the good times for the most part. Our holiday memories are often romanticized, and many of the traditions families create become negative or impossible after an estrangement, separation or divorce.

So, given all the emotion and the nostalgia, what is a non-custodial father to do during the holidays? How do you make new memories and new traditions? What should you do to make the holidays as positive as possible for your children, who are possibly hurting far worse than their non-custodial dad?

So. Go check out Handling the Christmas Holidays as a Non-Custodial Dad …

And if you have the time, the inclination and you’re a Non-Custodial Dad (there has to be a better term!), you might like to leave a comment here and tell us what helps you not just handle them but enjoy and enhance them…

DIDS – bouncing back

Though life is undoubtedly tough for mothers (and lets face it, for most human beings), I’ve written before about how hard life can be specifically for some Dads. And some time ago I wrote about the fantastic work that Dads in Distress do in Australia (as well as about how difficult it is to keep the organisation running). If you can do anything to support them, please do so.

Here’s their latest press release…

MEDIA RELEASE 07/11/07  

Dads in Distress Inc. commends the ALP (Australian Labour Party) on it?s announcement to develop a National Men’s Health Policy:

http://www.labor.com.au/media/1107/mshea050.php    DIDS has advocated for a National Men’s Health Policy for over eight years, and will continue to support and lobby whichever government is in power to bring such a policy to fruition. DIDS sees this as an essential step toward improving the health of Australian males.  In particular, DIDS advocates on behalf of men who have or are going through the trauma of family and relationship breakdown, divorce or separation, for improvement in services which address the psychological and emotional needs of men.   External factors such as: 
1. the practice and legislation of Family Law, 
2. the Child Support system (despite recent improvements), 
3. poor legal, mental health, and social service provision for men going through relationship breakup, as well as 
4. the pressure of societal expectations on men’s behaviour  are important issues which need to be considered when addressing the health risks of men experiencing relationship breakdown.   Research supports the view that level emotional and psychological health is often reflected in an individual level of physical well being. A holistic approach, inclusive of physical, social, psychological and spiritual factors, needs to be adopted in response to improving Men’s Health in

Australia.   
Middle aged males are over-represented in suicide statistics, and research clearly indicates that men experiencing relationship breakdown are at a higher risk of considering and acting on suicidal thoughts, than the general population. We can provide better services and more adequately support men going through relationship breakdown. DIDS will proactively seek to address this issue in any policy on Men’s Health. 

 

Dads in Distress

There’s no doubt that everyone suffers after separation, divorce or the death of a spouse. Over the last twenty years, I guess the Aussie government has begun to provide help for some of the women who have to pick up the pieces and move on while caring for kids. And the kids. Maybe.

But often men have become the villified ones (and let’s face it, there are a lot of recalcitrant and callous men out there who have sired children but take no real responsibility for them – but they’re not the majority)… and sometimes they can be the forgotten sufferers in these situations. Many support groups have risen up to attend to the needs of these men, but as the following excerpt from the latest Fatherhood Foundation newsletter points out, these groups are doing it as tough as some of the Dads themselves…

Tony Miller announced last week that ‘dads in distress’ (dids) will be forced to close its doors on 30th June 2007 unless they are able to receive further government funding. Such recurrent funding has been refused so far because dids important work does not fit into any government funding box at the present moment. This is hardly surprising considering the Howard government and previous Labor governments consistent ability to ignore the needs of the male of the species while pouring hundreds of millions of dollars and more likely billions of dollars into projects and benefits that only women can receive benefit from. It is good that the government helps women but why cannot they also help men? The ratio of government funding that is directed at women or mothers compared with men or fathers is somewhere between 300 to 1 or at best 100 to 1.

It is ironic that Mensline are funded over 2 million dollars per year and that they refer hundreds, possibly thousands of calls to dads in distress or Lone Fathers Association and neither operation is properly funded by the Howard government. You can find out about DIDS here. 

The foundation’s objectives are not to belittle or minimise the struggle of single mothers or the aftermath (financial, emotional etc) of divorce for women. They are:

• To promote, establish and nurture dids support groups throughout the country.
• To promote awareness throughout the community of the need for support for men going through the trauma of divorce, separation or relationship breakdown.
• To bring about solidarity amongst single dads to show them they are not alone and that there is life after divorce or separation.
• To raise the awareness of male suicide particularly relating to divorce or separation.
• To establish and promote a dids referral and drop – in centre in Coffs Harbour, NSW Australia.
• To establish and promote a dids retreat in each state, so that, Australia – wide men needing help and guidance can obtain it.
• Offer and encourage ongoing support to our members in the form of relevant courses, counseling, legal and medical advice.
• To lobby relevant organizations and government bodies to examine and make fairer changes to the Family Law Act.
• To encourage other organizations to investigate and develop programs, particularly relating to separation grief.

What else can we do apart from lobby our local members of government and make a donation to redress this imbalance. I have (I don’t say that to make myself a big deal, it was the very least I could do). Maybe you could add your voice to help single and divorced Dads where you live too.

Maybe you read more at Eric’s post about this and contact Tony Miller at Dadsindistress to encourage him.

Thanks for listening to my rant.

Suffering in Silence

In Melbourne Australia, we’ve just had a news report about the high incidence of fathers suffering post-natal depression.  These reports have popped up very occasionally over the last 5 or 6 years, but don’t seem to get a lot of attention. I think that – amidst all the whacky tomfoolery on this blog – this is a topic worth commenting on.

In fact, you may be a new Dad who’s feeling really bad and can’t work out why. You’re suffering in silence. You might have never come across the concept of New Dads being lumbered with Depression (”That’s just for the chicks, isn’t it?”).

Just knowing this can help you start climbing out of it. (I say “climbing out of it” rather than “accepting it”, because we men are problem-solvers and if you are suffering from this, it’s not a once-and-for-all deal! good news huh?)

I’ll refer you first to a blogpost by Age newspaper columnist Sacha Molitorisz from February 2007. It’s especially worth reading the comments at the bottom of the page: some perspective from real people.

Next, I’ve included below some excerpts from the Australian study “PERINATAL MOOD DISORDERS: DEFINITIONS, TREATMENT AND IMPLICATIONS” by Robert Lindsey July 2004…

Perinatal mood disorders affect both men and women. Most parents are more vulnerable after the birth of their children than at any other time in their life cycle.

For the father they experience the pregnancy, labour, delivery and parenting in a different way to mothers and differences in their daily experiences, mismatched expectations of each other can lead to build up of resentment in their relationship. Ten percent of males will experience depression in their life and most of these episodes will last between four to twelve months. Often dad’s feel marginalized, exhausted and depressed and little help is available for them from health professionals.

New fathers have reported that they experience less sleep, freedom, attention, and sexual activity, limited support from colleagues and increased work, performance anxiety and responsibility. If men become stressed at home, it can affect their work negatively. The two major stresses for men are:

• Role overload (feeling that their responsibilities in one area are making them less effective in another).
• Arguments with their partners and children.

In a further study conducted by Flinders University and reported in this article, many men were ill prepared for the impact that raising a child would have on their sex lives. The decline in satisfaction and frequency of intercourse in the year after their birth can cause significant distress among men. Some of the subsequent traits included increased use of alcohol, withdrawing socially and becoming detached from the child.

***** 

I’ve been thinking a lot about the whole “feeling flat” thing in general this year. It doesn’t surprise me that many men experience this after not only the first but even subsequent children are born.

In conversation over dinner last night, my wife (Ninja) chipped in the observation that women are also more physically prepared (in some ways) because they are used to the sleeplessness etc. (This is not to minimise how hard it is for women at all!) Her point was that men are suddenly thrust into months (I say years!) of broken sleep as well as high demands on their emotional and physical reserves – and often have to go out and meet high demands in the workplace as well. They don’t come home to a rest but to more demands. (I thought this was very empathetic of my wife – maybe she’ll let me out of doing the dishes tonight!)

I also wonder whether the malaise comes and goes for us men. It stems from different things for different men.

I was truly happy around the births of my two boys (the ones living that is – another one was born in between them died at birth). I found the adjustment to fatherhood physically wearing, but the first year was actually the easiest in many ways. It’s gotten more and more challenging as the years have worn on. There’s been many times I’ve sunk into the malaise for months at a time – functional, but not contributing anywhere near my best to my work, my mission, my family, my self.

Were it not for my “brothers” – some blunt, funny, fair dinkum, encouraging, stretching friends – with steel in their backbones, kids of their own and open hearts and lives – I think I’d have royally screwed up parenting. They’ve kept me on track and helped me look after myself so I can look after others…

If I could recommend anything humbly to men having a hard time of life, parenthood, midlife, whatever, it would be this:

DON’T GO IT ALONE. GET A GROUP OF GUYS AROUND YOU WHO GIVE YOU BOTH HIGH STANDARDS TO LIVE UP TO BUT ALSO GIVE YOU THE SUPPORT, THE COMPANY AND RESOURCING YOU NEED.