Canine Proofreading

When Youngest Son was even younger (around 4 y.o.), we were walking the dog one day and he asked, “Why do dogs do wee (urinate) everywhere they go?” I explained that they were leaving messages for other dogs to say they’d been here.

Another time he asked “Why do dogs sniff trees all the time?” “Because they’re reading the messages left there by other dogs. It’s kind of like email.”

Armed with this rich understanding of the ways of the world, my son was satisfied. He said nothing more on the topic for the past 4 years, except the occasional “I wonder what she’s writing” when we’d walk our dog and she’d pause for a moment …

Yesterday, the budding stand-up comic watches the dog taking a leak in our backyard (as you do when you’re bored). He turns to me and says “I know why dogs sniff their own wee when they’re finished. They’re checking back over what they’ve written. And if they see a ‘b’ where there should be a ‘d’, they-” and here he mimes a dog cocking its leg – “rewrite that part.”

“You know, the Guy with the Long Testicles…”

I love it when kids mispronounce things. Especially in public. Like what happened at the park this morning…

It’s one of those idyllic Australian summer mornings -although I’m sitting in the shade of a European tree – mild temperature, no cloud, slight cool breeze. Families playing happily around me. My son and his friend are off playing Jedis and I’m reading my latest mindless fiction acquisition.  

The two boys appear at my elbow, asking my help in deciding what their Jedi names should be. After I make a few suggestions – which are completely dismissed of course – Youngest Son’s friend says that he wants to be a certain character (a minor Jedi) who I can’t recall.

In his frustration to describe the character to me, he eventually blurts at the top of his voice “You know, the guy with the long testicles on his head!”

What episode of Star Wars was that in? I think to myself.

“I … think you mean, tentacles,” I chuckle, “Yes, I know who you mean now…” (See photo below).

Glad I worked that one out quickly…

Thanks to fellow blogger Tanya for recently recording a similar incident that made me  chuckle also. You can visit Hard Teats for the full story…

…Oh, and here’s that Star Wars fellow we were discussing earlier.

“Hey fella, nice haircut!” 

“Daddy, What Does #@&%$#!! Mean?”

I’m firmly middle-class and while I drop the odd swear-word, our household is neither a prissy one nor a cussin’ one.

But we live in a colorful world and speak a colorful language. So I wasn’t entirely surprised when my 7-year-old  asked me this morning, “Daddy, what does c**t mean?”

This is the lad who – as a first-grader – was advised by a second-grader to Google-search images of “boys having sex with girls”! So this is not the first time we’ve had to navigate these waters…

But I must admit, I had one of those “How do I field this one?” moments.

When in doubt, I’ve tried to make it a policy to be affirming and answer the question as simply as possible, while adding my own message. Sometimes, I’ve gotten it horribly wrong, sounding like a cross between Ned Flanders and Principal Skinner. This time, it went a little something like this:

Me: “Where’d you hear that? … Ok, well, first, it’s probably the rudest word there is and us Aldins don’t say that. Second, you asked me what does the word mean. Well, do you know what a vagina is? No? (Quick matter-of-fact anatomy lesson) So this word is a rude word for that like d**k (I knew he knows that word) is for penis, but worse. Does that answer your question? … Ok. Mate, I’m really glad you asked me ’cause if you’d asked your teacher or Grandma … (then I ham up a horrified-old-woman-reaction – sorry Grandma – it gets some laughs) – You can always ask me anything, buddy.”

Him: “Ok, Dad and I won’t say that word. Ever.”

Phew. That wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.