Rites of Passage

This post was originally published here on FoF at the end of March 2009. It’s one of the many that was lost during the Malicious Code Attack of August 09, but thanks to my great friend Leah Maclean, we’ve found it and am republishing it here. Almost a year down the track, it’s interesting for me to read it again, and hope it is to you too. Sorry to those who commented last time and whose valuable comments were lost!

My oldest son (affectionately known here by his tag Ewrokka) celebrated his 13th birthday recently. We celebrated with a kind of bar mitzvah. No we’re not Jewish and my Jewish friends would probably think it nothing like a true bar mitzvah; but the similarity was in the purpose of the event - to welcome Ewrokka into young manhood.

For many years, I’ve read the writings of men who say rites of passage, male inititation, the bestowing of identity and confidence and responsibility on adolescent males is sadly missing in Anglo/Western society. Traditionally througout history, throughout the world, the time between 12 and 14 in a male’s life was the time of entry into the World of Men. We have ditched that for an invention of the Industrial Age: the teenage boy.

Our intention was to bestow manhood on my son, with all of the people present (men and women, boys and girls) telling him what they love and respect about him and with many of the men present giving him a word of wisdom and a prayer for his future adventure and contribution to the world.

I’ll say no more about it unless I have express permission from him. We have another collection of challenges for him and some friends to complete over the next 12 months (whose Fathers have gathered together to focus on this year of their sons’ lives). This will culminate with another very different “rite of passage”.

But I’d like to flag the issue of the rite of passage for young males here. (And young females too … I have boys, so I can only focus on my experience with them).

So fellas, what has been your experience with becoming a man? How did you know you were one? Did any significant older males spend time with you during your ‘teens’ and ‘preteens’ to become a compass or mentor to you?

What rituals have you had around coming-of-age for your children, male or female?

Dads n Lads Retreats

Dudes and dudettes, it’s on! During the 90s I worked with youth. During the naughties I’ve increasingly worked with Dads. About time we combined them.

In 2010, we are putting on the most outrageously good-time retreats for Dads and their 11-13 year old sons where we can share some tried and tested strategies for building the kind of bond our sons need from us Dads while actually DOING THE BONDING! And everyone will be having so much fun they won’t even realise it’s happening.

See our Events page  here for more.

Tell me if you have corporate contacts who can help us take  this to the highest level and quality possible. I truly believe 2010 will see dozens of families with restored relationships, with an unshakeable bond between father and son, and with preventative meaures in place to save young people from the slippery slope of substance abuse and violence that’s plauging their generation.

Suffering in Silence

I actually wrote this about 18 months ago, but felt it’s one of those topics worth revisiting. So I’ve simply reposted it in the hope that it’ll encourage someone or help them identify what the hell’s going on for them right now, so they can get through it…

In Melbourne Australia, we’ve just had a news report about the high incidence of fathers suffering post-natal depression. These reports have popped up very occasionally over the last 5 or 6 years, but don’t seem to get a lot of attention. I think that – amidst all the whacky tomfoolery on this blog – this is a topic worth commenting on.

In fact, you may be a new Dad who’s feeling really bad and can’t work out why. You’re suffering in silence. You might have never come across the concept of New Dads being lumbered with Depression (”That’s just for the chicks, isn’t it?”).

Just knowing this can help you start climbing out of it. (I say “climbing out of it” rather than “accepting it”, because we men are problem-solvers and if you are suffering from this, it’s not a once-and-for-all deal! good news huh?)

I’ll refer you first to a blogpost by Age newspaper columnist Sacha Molitorisz from February 2007. It’s especially worth reading the comments at the bottom of the page: some perspective from real people.

Next, I’ve included below some excerpts from the Australian study “PERINATAL MOOD DISORDERS: DEFINITIONS, TREATMENT AND IMPLICATIONS” by Robert Lindsey July 2004…

Perinatal mood disorders affect both men and women. Most parents are more vulnerable after the birth of their children than at any other time in their life cycle.

For the father they experience the pregnancy, labour, delivery and parenting in a different way to mothers and differences in their daily experiences, mismatched expectations of each other can lead to build up of resentment in their relationship. Ten percent of males will experience depression in their life and most of these episodes will last between four to twelve months. Often dad’s feel marginalized, exhausted and depressed and little help is available for them from health professionals.

New fathers have reported that they experience less sleep, freedom, attention, and sexual activity, limited support from colleagues and increased work, performance anxiety and responsibility. If men become stressed at home, it can affect their work negatively. The two major stresses for men are:

• Role overload (feeling that their responsibilities in one area are making them less effective in another).
• Arguments with their partners and children.

In a further study conducted by Flinders University and reported in this article, many men were ill prepared for the impact that raising a child would have on their sex lives. The decline in satisfaction and frequency of intercourse in the year after their birth can cause significant distress among men. Some of the subsequent traits included increased use of alcohol, withdrawing socially and becoming detached from the child.

*****

I’ve been thinking a lot about the whole “feeling flat” thing in general this year. It doesn’t surprise me that many men experience this after not only the first but even subsequent children are born.

In conversation over dinner last night, my wife (Ninja) chipped in the observation that women are also more physically prepared (in some ways) because they are used to the sleeplessness etc. (This is not to minimise how hard it is for women at all!) Her point was that men are suddenly thrust into months (I say years!) of broken sleep as well as high demands on their emotional and physical reserves – and often have to go out and meet high demands in the workplace as well. They don’t come home to a rest but to more demands. (I thought this was very empathetic of my wife – maybe she’ll let me out of doing the dishes tonight!)

I also wonder whether the malaise comes and goes for us men. It stems from different things for different men.

I was truly happy around the births of my two boys (the ones living that is – another one was born in between them died at birth). I found the adjustment to fatherhood physically wearing, but the first year was actually the easiest in many ways. It’s gotten more and more challenging as the years have worn on. There’s been many times I’ve sunk into the malaise for months at a time – functional, but not contributing anywhere near my best to my work, my mission, my family, my self.

Were it not for my “brothers” – some blunt, funny, fair dinkum, encouraging, stretching friends – with steel in their backbones, kids of their own and open hearts and lives – I think I’d have royally screwed up parenting. They’ve kept me on track and helped me look after myself so I can look after others…

If I could recommend anything humbly to men having a hard time of life, parenthood, midlife, whatever, it would be this:

DON’T GO IT ALONE. GET A GROUP OF GUYS AROUND YOU WHO GIVE YOU BOTH HIGH STANDARDS TO LIVE UP TO BUT ALSO GIVE YOU THE SUPPORT, THE COMPANY AND RESOURCING YOU NEED.

Man & Wife

Ten years ago I went to a “Manhood” seminar. Maybe I was hoping to buy some from the merchandise tables or something, I dunno.

Anyhow, I distinctly remember something the keynote speaker Ed Cole said. I’ve heard it repeated by other writers many times, including Biddulph.

“When a man acts like a child, it makes his wife act like his mother … and you can’t make love to your mother.”

Mothers correct their children and make decisions for them. When we males put our partners in the position of needing to do this – when we “underfunction” – we place them in an anxious position, we place pressure on them to overfunction, to nag, to parent.

And then wonder why they don’t feel all amorous toward us.

Where do you draw the line between immature and mature, between boy and man?