Pacify Me!

I do read parenting books, but usually they’re as tough to get through as my ex-pastor’s sermons. (And the boring or just plain unhelpful ones are not the ones I tend to review here.)

Not this one. Comedian Chris Mancini has pulled off an eminently readable tome on being a New Dad written in the conversational style of the guy who feels your pain, your bewilderment and your stress, rather than the guy with all the answers.

Why read it then, if he gives no answers? Well, it’s not that he doesn’t bury nuggets of valuable advice and information throughout the book. There’s actually quite a lot of them (and Chris seems quite surprised at times to find himself coming up with them!). It’s more that Chris seems to set out to normalize the anxiety and pressures that befall a guy from the moment his partner first says “I’m pregnant”. (Actually, he starts earlier than that, but I’ll let him tell that story).

He almost lost me on page 3 when he dissed life coaches, but I’m bigger than that.

What follows is my 8 point summary of the book from where I sit. I do need to mention (because I’m aware that my readers come from varied faith and cultural backgrounds), if you can’t look past plenty of sexual references and coarse language, you won’t enjoy it. Anyway, here’s the summary:

1. Chris makes the point it’s normal to be freaked out (hey that’s the title of my blog!). In fact I think this is possibly the most valuable aspect of Pacify Me, apart form the laughs: normalizing the feelings many men experience regarding new baby. His reasons for those feelings include the feeling of powerlessness, which is something us males don’t do well…
2. Loved Dante’s 9 Infernal Circles of Babies ‘R’ Us…
3. The battle over having or not having the mother-in-law present for the birth. Well fought, valiant Chris.
4. The chapter on crying (the baby’s not Chris’) is one of the best summaries on causes/options that I’ve seen. What some books might spend 20 or 40 pages to cover, Chris nails in 5.
5. I enjoyed the constant pop culture references: Python, Star Wars, Dr Seuss. These make much more sense to me than references to the latest academic study in … whatever.
6. The trials and tribulations of finding a good daycare.
7. I also liked Chris’ authentic and growing relationship with his daughter.
8. Finally, men, you can read the back half of Chris’ book and feel like you know what you’re talking about when your wife or the mother-in-law wants to discuss (for example) what the baby should be fed as it grows older. I like knowing what I’m talking about (or at least sounding like I do).

 A good read that will help New Dads keep perspective and maintain a shred of sanity.

You are Getting Sleepy…

O sleep! O gentle sleep!
Nature’s soft nurse, how have I frighted thee,
That thou no more wilt weigh my eyelids down

If you’re the father of a young one, you’ll know the feeling that Shakespeare so eloquently describes. I remember wondering if I’d ever get a good night’s shut eye again. (In fact, I think I’m averaging one good night’s sleep a year now, so that’s an improvement).

The reason I bring this up is because of some great info

• newborn sleep
• baby sleep
• toddler sleep
• preschooler sleep
• school-age sleep.

Also on the site is great article on Toward Independent Sleep.

Here’s hopin’ you get some tonight. Sleep.

Suffering in Silence

I actually wrote this about 18 months ago, but felt it’s one of those topics worth revisiting. So I’ve simply reposted it in the hope that it’ll encourage someone or help them identify what the hell’s going on for them right now, so they can get through it…

In Melbourne Australia, we’ve just had a news report about the high incidence of fathers suffering post-natal depression. These reports have popped up very occasionally over the last 5 or 6 years, but don’t seem to get a lot of attention. I think that – amidst all the whacky tomfoolery on this blog – this is a topic worth commenting on.

In fact, you may be a new Dad who’s feeling really bad and can’t work out why. You’re suffering in silence. You might have never come across the concept of New Dads being lumbered with Depression (”That’s just for the chicks, isn’t it?”).

Just knowing this can help you start climbing out of it. (I say “climbing out of it” rather than “accepting it”, because we men are problem-solvers and if you are suffering from this, it’s not a once-and-for-all deal! good news huh?)

I’ll refer you first to a blogpost by Age newspaper columnist Sacha Molitorisz from February 2007. It’s especially worth reading the comments at the bottom of the page: some perspective from real people.

Next, I’ve included below some excerpts from the Australian study “PERINATAL MOOD DISORDERS: DEFINITIONS, TREATMENT AND IMPLICATIONS” by Robert Lindsey July 2004…

Perinatal mood disorders affect both men and women. Most parents are more vulnerable after the birth of their children than at any other time in their life cycle.

For the father they experience the pregnancy, labour, delivery and parenting in a different way to mothers and differences in their daily experiences, mismatched expectations of each other can lead to build up of resentment in their relationship. Ten percent of males will experience depression in their life and most of these episodes will last between four to twelve months. Often dad’s feel marginalized, exhausted and depressed and little help is available for them from health professionals.

New fathers have reported that they experience less sleep, freedom, attention, and sexual activity, limited support from colleagues and increased work, performance anxiety and responsibility. If men become stressed at home, it can affect their work negatively. The two major stresses for men are:

• Role overload (feeling that their responsibilities in one area are making them less effective in another).
• Arguments with their partners and children.

In a further study conducted by Flinders University and reported in this article, many men were ill prepared for the impact that raising a child would have on their sex lives. The decline in satisfaction and frequency of intercourse in the year after their birth can cause significant distress among men. Some of the subsequent traits included increased use of alcohol, withdrawing socially and becoming detached from the child.

*****

I’ve been thinking a lot about the whole “feeling flat” thing in general this year. It doesn’t surprise me that many men experience this after not only the first but even subsequent children are born.

In conversation over dinner last night, my wife (Ninja) chipped in the observation that women are also more physically prepared (in some ways) because they are used to the sleeplessness etc. (This is not to minimise how hard it is for women at all!) Her point was that men are suddenly thrust into months (I say years!) of broken sleep as well as high demands on their emotional and physical reserves – and often have to go out and meet high demands in the workplace as well. They don’t come home to a rest but to more demands. (I thought this was very empathetic of my wife – maybe she’ll let me out of doing the dishes tonight!)

I also wonder whether the malaise comes and goes for us men. It stems from different things for different men.

I was truly happy around the births of my two boys (the ones living that is – another one was born in between them died at birth). I found the adjustment to fatherhood physically wearing, but the first year was actually the easiest in many ways. It’s gotten more and more challenging as the years have worn on. There’s been many times I’ve sunk into the malaise for months at a time – functional, but not contributing anywhere near my best to my work, my mission, my family, my self.

Were it not for my “brothers” – some blunt, funny, fair dinkum, encouraging, stretching friends – with steel in their backbones, kids of their own and open hearts and lives – I think I’d have royally screwed up parenting. They’ve kept me on track and helped me look after myself so I can look after others…

If I could recommend anything humbly to men having a hard time of life, parenthood, midlife, whatever, it would be this:

DON’T GO IT ALONE. GET A GROUP OF GUYS AROUND YOU WHO GIVE YOU BOTH HIGH STANDARDS TO LIVE UP TO BUT ALSO GIVE YOU THE SUPPORT, THE COMPANY AND RESOURCING YOU NEED.

Talking to Babies

I know a lot of guys feel awkward and dumb trying to talk to babies and toddlers. (Let’s face it: we often feel awkward talking to women, let alone little bundles of flesh who don’t talk back).

But I always kinda enjoyed talking to the kids when they were pre-language. I didn’t make gaga-googoo noises. I actually talked. I think it helped build the tremendous rapport I still feel with both boys from those first moments. And though they didn’t understand it when I asked them existentialist questions, or practised my Khmer (Cambodian) on them, or sang them the instructions off the wetwipes box to the tune of Sesame Street, they liked it.

I read this article today at Raising Children Network which gives some tips for talkin’ with the baby. They actually say I should have been making googoo-gaagaa noises instead of speaking normally but – eh! – my kids turned out ok.

I think.

Talking with your kids even from in the womb will build rapport and will also stimulate their intelligence. According to another article:

The more you chatter using words, the better their vocabulary and communication skills will become. “Babies under 12 months pick up the intonation and warmth in the voice and listen to the tune of your conversation,” says Professor Silva (professor of educational psychology at Oxford University). “And from one onwards, your child will be sensitive to the words.”

It might be hard to imagine that squirming non-verbal little urchin is actually taking something in, but give it a go, New Dad! Talk to em. And besides, as they grow older, you’ll never get that captive audience thing happening with them again…

New Dad Tips II

A few more tips I found among my notes-on-scrap paper (terribly bad habit for a life coach, and that’s why I’m clearing the notes away, actioning them). Again, I’ve lost the author’s name, but I really liked the realism in these tips for men about to become parents…

• You will make mistakes. It’s ok. Fortunately, kids are pretty resilient.
• Small children can hurt you. Badly. [Amen to that, brother. I can recommend from personal experience that when your toddler comes flying into your bedroom in the mornings and launches him/herself at the bed - place one of your hands over your crotch and raise the other one above your face. Remember this.]
• Children imitate what fathers do and say, and then repeat them at any given time or place. Enough said?
• Try tag-team parenting – let one parent be “off” sometimes. [This has been a lifesaver in our house. Yes, it's actually saved lives, namely my kids' ]
• Soaking in cold water overnight works on most stains.
• Red children’s clothing? Wash it separately. All of it.
• Kids are much easier to manage without deadlines. Minimise the number of crunches in your daily schedule where you have to get your kid “there” on time.
• Enjoy each phase of development. It won’t come round again.
• Give your kids less money and more [of your] time. [I'd add, allow them to have more time to themselves to play, away from homework, TV and computer]

New Dads

We’re moving house later this year and in preparation, I’ve been digging through old stuff, boxing things up and turfing (throwing away) things I don’t want any more.

Amongst the good stuff I uncovered (recovered?) was notes on parenting I’d taken from  other people’s writing some time ago. I’ve long since lost the details of who actually wrote these things (and I do attribute them to someone else), but I liked them at the time and copied them down. On rereading them, I still like them…

I offer them to any New Dads surfing through this site. I’ll post them as bullet lists over the next couple o’ days…

Some ChildProofing You Can Do When You’re Expecting Your First Child:

• Childproof before your child learns to crawl
• Crawl around the house on all fours to see where the hazards are
• You can acutally life without ANY poisons in the house – just get rid of them all
• Keep nothing under the sink but pots and pans
• Replace all your glassware with high quality plasticware
• You cannot childproof once and for all. As your kid gets more mobile, the hazards will be different.
• If there is anything in your house you couldn’t stand being destroyed, make sure it is inaccessible or put it in storage for the duration!

The Coming of the Second One

Following on from yesterday’s spiel about Dads with post-natal depression (just scroll down people, I can’t be bothered inserting a hyperlink – is that blogging bad manners or what?)…

My good mate, Molks, has opened his life for inspection in a brave and humble way over at his blog. (Damn, I had to do a link anyway.)

He mentions that many people told him that the “most difficult change is from 1 kid to 2 kids… the added grabs for attention, the learning of the first kid to understand that Mum and Dad can no longer lavish their total attention on them all the time, etc. ”

I absolutely agree. Add to that the normal demands of new baby and well, woah Nelly! It gets a little stressful…

(And not just for the parents. I remember Oldest Son asking – when Youngest Son was about 8 weeks old – if we could take him back to the hospital and leave him there)

But then again, I only have 2 kids.

Maybe the “most difficult change” is actually from 2 to 3??

Diaper-training 101 (for New Dads)

In the Beginning

So my wife (Ninja) was uncharacteristically moody and emotional this one day. Nothing I could do would snap her out of it – and being a male, I considered it my duty to “fix” the “problem”. [Mainly because it was freakin' ME out]

One of us (I don’t remember who) quipped “Maybe you’re (I’m) pregnant“…

…Funny joke. It turned out to be true.

I remember distinctly the tropical storm of emotions and thoughts in me in the weeks which followed that discovery.

Emotions: overwhelming happiness / breath-depleting anxiety / helplessness in the face of the New and Unknown.

Thoughts: “Alright! I’m going to be a DAD!” / “What the hell do I know about fathering??” / “Where’s the $$ going to come from??” / ”Is that hair growing in my ear!?” / “Alright! I’m going to be a DAD!” / “So is there like a Dad Course or a book or something I can read to get this right?” / “Just wing it! You’ll be fine.” / “Man, I’m not ready for this!” / “It’s ok, I got a few months to prepare and study up on this” / “… Alright! I’m going to be a DAD!”

As you can see, in the beginning, my eldest son’s co-creator was anything but godlike!