Pacify Me!

I do read parenting books, but usually they’re as tough to get through as my ex-pastor’s sermons. (And the boring or just plain unhelpful ones are not the ones I tend to review here.)

Not this one. Comedian Chris Mancini has pulled off an eminently readable tome on being a New Dad written in the conversational style of the guy who feels your pain, your bewilderment and your stress, rather than the guy with all the answers.

Why read it then, if he gives no answers? Well, it’s not that he doesn’t bury nuggets of valuable advice and information throughout the book. There’s actually quite a lot of them (and Chris seems quite surprised at times to find himself coming up with them!). It’s more that Chris seems to set out to normalize the anxiety and pressures that befall a guy from the moment his partner first says “I’m pregnant”. (Actually, he starts earlier than that, but I’ll let him tell that story).

He almost lost me on page 3 when he dissed life coaches, but I’m bigger than that.

What follows is my 8 point summary of the book from where I sit. I do need to mention (because I’m aware that my readers come from varied faith and cultural backgrounds), if you can’t look past plenty of sexual references and coarse language, you won’t enjoy it. Anyway, here’s the summary:

1. Chris makes the point it’s normal to be freaked out (hey that’s the title of my blog!). In fact I think this is possibly the most valuable aspect of Pacify Me, apart form the laughs: normalizing the feelings many men experience regarding new baby. His reasons for those feelings include the feeling of powerlessness, which is something us males don’t do well…
2. Loved Dante’s 9 Infernal Circles of Babies ‘R’ Us…
3. The battle over having or not having the mother-in-law present for the birth. Well fought, valiant Chris.
4. The chapter on crying (the baby’s not Chris’) is one of the best summaries on causes/options that I’ve seen. What some books might spend 20 or 40 pages to cover, Chris nails in 5.
5. I enjoyed the constant pop culture references: Python, Star Wars, Dr Seuss. These make much more sense to me than references to the latest academic study in … whatever.
6. The trials and tribulations of finding a good daycare.
7. I also liked Chris’ authentic and growing relationship with his daughter.
8. Finally, men, you can read the back half of Chris’ book and feel like you know what you’re talking about when your wife or the mother-in-law wants to discuss (for example) what the baby should be fed as it grows older. I like knowing what I’m talking about (or at least sounding like I do).

 A good read that will help New Dads keep perspective and maintain a shred of sanity.

An 8 year old’s Movie Review

From my son’s school journal, dated 18th February 2008 (he was then 8 years old), copied exactly as written…

Last night I went to the movis to see Jumper the movie. It had lot’s of swear words in it so I no it’s M15+. It’s about a boy who get’s his girlfriend somthing and a boy takes it and throws it on ice and the boy gets it then falls in the ice and he ends up in a library. He finds another Jumper and they are rich so they have everything they want. And people try to kill the Jumpers.

Apologies for the plot spoiler…

Lord of the Love Languages

by Jonathan of Growing Up Wth The Kids …

About two weeks ago, I read “The Five Love Languages of Children”, after Pete recommended it on his monthly newsletter Whetstone.  The book was a quick read despite being packed with information.  The main premise of the book is that a child is more likely to behave well and respond to direction if the child feels loved and loved without conditions.

This information is nothing groundbreaking; as a matter of fact, this key idea has been in print since the Bible.  So, why bother discussing this book?  Good question,  one good reason is that the second element of the book states that not only do we need to let children know they are unconditionally loved, but we have to do so in a way they understand-hence the “five” languages of love.  A second good reason for reading the book, you may be like me and need a reminder that you may be so caught up in rewarding good behavior and disciplining bad behavior that your child perceives that love must be earned.

I have less than three years before my stepdaughter is out of the house and up until the moment I read the book I had been ticking off the days until my stepdaughter moved away.  Her behavior and the communication within our household have been on a downward spiral for months.  I came into her life just before she became a teen and until that point she had rarely experienced any rules or consequences.  The mean old stepdad entered the picture and she was no longer allowed to talkback, she was expected to do chores, and she was expected to pick up after herself.

In hindsight, it wasn’t a battle that I should have begun.  I’m a take charge sort of guy and when I saw her treat her mother the way she did I stepped in.  I tried to get mom to make the changes, but mom was too used to the verbal assault to even recognize it.  Had I known better, I would have waited, though it would have driven me nuts to watch my wife be on the receiving end of threats, cut-downs, and screaming tantrums.  Had I known better, I would have developed a relationship with my stepdaughter before I started trying to teach her some manners and responsibility.  From the beginning I set up a conditional love pattern.  I established rewards for good behavior and consequences for bad behavior.  What I didn’t do was let her know I love her, just because.

As the spiral continued ever downward I have been able to get mom on board with the rewards and consequences.  We dug in our heels deeper and have been fighting harder to “teach” her responsibilities.  The whole family is battle harden by the endeavor. 

I didn’t realize it until I read “The Five Love Languages of Children.”  By the third chapter I started having a playback of life in our household over the past years and I see that my stepdaughter hasn’t been given unconditional love in a long time.  Not just from me, but mom has also been caught up in trying to teach her to be responsible.  I understood after the third chapter that my stepdaughter fighting us way too much for it to be a matter of her not “learning.”  It was most likely defiance, because she doesn’t realize that we do love her.

I resolved to let her know we loved her in a big way.  On a day she was fighting with her mother, I took her out and spent the entire day with her and made sure I communicated to her that she was loved in each of the different languages of love, hoping that the shotgun approached would hit home.  It did.  She was responsive and open the entire day.  It was a wonderful day and communication opened up in the household …for a few days. 

I knew that one big day wouldn’t change things forever, but I didn’t realize how unprepared I was for the day she reverted to her usual defiance.  I had made a big effort to show love to her and it involved opening up emotionally.  This, is something the book doesn’t cover, (Perhaps, because it is really isn’t intended for stepfamilies.), but I wasn’t ready for the sense of betrayal and hurt that occurred the very next time she didn’t get her way.  Instead of the level conversation we had earlier in the week, as soon as she didn’t get what she wanted she went for the jugular and through the weekend back in my face.  She continued to say mean things and I was sucked in.  I was hurt and I was angry. It was a nasty fight and I was back to ticking off days until she was out of my life.

Then last night I finished watching the Lord of The Rings and a melancholy nostalgia for my childhood came over me.  I spent the last half hour of my evening locked away in a room enjoying a fading memory of how great my childhood was and how easy I had really wanted Middle Earth to exist.  In the reverence I understood that I was able to feel that because as I child I wasn’t worried about whether my parents loved me or not.  I knew they did.  They obviously spoke my language, because I never questioned it, consequently my behavior wasn’t about getting attention.  I was happy to wonder into new worlds and imagine and enjoy.  And then I thought about my stepdaughter’s life, again.  Does she enjoy life?  Or is she so busy trying to find a sense of love from somebody that she can’t enjoy the other things?  And so,  as I turned out the lights and went  to bed I did so knowing that tonight I have to set my hurt aside, stop ticking of the days and try once again to let my stepdaughter know she is loved.  And, more importantly, know that she will be weary of hearing it and will test it.  I know now that this is exactly what she was doing to me.  She wanted to believe that last weekend was real, but she doesn’t want to get hurt if it isn’t and so she tested me and will test me again.

Readers of “The Five Love Languages” beware.  The book has a powerful message and powerful tools, but with great power, comes great responsibility.  By all means, use what it teaches, but if you suspect your child feels that they haven’t known love for some time, be ready for them to test it and test you.  Be ready to love, despite the mean things they can say.

***

Jonathan is a longtime friend of Freakedout Fathers, a school prinicipal and author of the blog Growing Up Wth The Kids.

More Ten-Word Movie Reviews

Given the monumental success of my last lot of ten-word movie reviews (thanks to the two or three people who read them), I thought I would do some more. Here’s four of my recent views, reviewed…

1. WILD HOGS – Laugh-out-loud funny; Gay Cop unsuitable for kids though.
2. THE DARK KNIGHT – Ledger, legend! Sinister, mean, complex and violent - this film rocks!
3. V FOR VENDETTA – (Where’s Hugo?) Loved the story; but definitely not for kids!
4. BENCHWARMERS – Best vehicle I’ve seen for slapstick, fart jokes and idiocy.

I Pity the Fool Who Won’t Watch This Show!

We’re just wrapping up mid-year school holidays here and I took most of it off to stay home with the kids. But winter means most of your activities are indoor ones and let’s face it, in an age where kids aren’t all that fond of board and card games, your choices are bickering, DVDs or video games. I lean toward the middle one.

So if we’re going to watch DVDs and heaps of them, which ones?

What to watch what to watch? … I’m cruising the local Video Store aisles trying to find an armload of titles that will appeal to both me and the boys. And then I see it: the unlikely pairing of George Peppard and Mr T on the cover. A blast from my past:

The A-team!

I remember it fondly. (I remember blacking-up to don a BA Barracus constume and turning up at a gathering of friends at McDonalds with my toy gun shouting “Freeze suckas!”  – yes, I was a wierd teenager).

So. Now I’m back home, nervously loading the DVD after convincing one of the boys to watch it with me. Will it be as good as I remember? Or will it be like that time I got all excited about watching the 70s version of King Kong and could barely finish watching it myself?

…and I am pleasantly surprised. Youngest Son (8) loves it. There’s fist fights, machine guns, helicopters and  spectacular car crashes (in fact the exact same car crash in literally every single episode – I kid you not).

And no blood (hey, when your kids’ video games are awash with it, that’s a great thing).

And no deaths.

And no swearing (the harshest words said are fool, crud and sucker).

And those great larger-than-life characterisations I remember fondly. Especially good ol’ Baracus, a role tailor-made for Mr T who must have relished lines like:

“You better be givin’ us that first aid kit, fool, else you be usin’ it on ya-self!”

And Peppard as Hannibal Smith with cornball one-liners that still work like: 

“It’s always darkest just before it goes completely black.”

The verdict on The A-Team?

Loads of action. Funny lines. I’m enjoying it, the kids are enjoying it … I love it when a plan comes together!

 

And just for MichMolk, here’s the 4th member of the team…

Obscure Songs chaser

Well, I guess I should be writing about serious things like parenthood, behaviour modification or male role modelling. But it’s a holiday weekend and I just don’t feel like it.

Besides, I promised to one day follow up on an earlier post, where we had a great conversation about my favourite obscure songs. There was even some controversy over what constituted obscure, with Zeppelin purists shaking their heads over my inclusion of a Zeppelin song on my list.

I asked readers for their own lists and most I’d never heard of.

So here’s a chaser to my list. From all those who submitted, a music video of MY choice to sample their tastes and broaden our own musical horizons. Thanks again to all who joined in!

1. From Jonathan P.,   Fitzcaraldo – The Frames …

And an encore from Jonathan’s list (turn your volume down or up, according to your inclination)…

2. From Bunk Strutts, Black Crow 16 Shells – Tom Waits …

And a Bunk encore:

3. From Leah Mac, You’re 39 You’re Beautiful and You’re Mine by Paul Kelly

As a encore from Leah, it was recommended us fellas watch this clip and see what we, er, notice about it. If you can live with the music for more than 20 seconds that is…

5. And lastly one from my list, Down Among the Dead Men, Flash and the Pan:

 

Folks, if you want to add your own list of favourite “obscure” songs (and obscure is in the eye of the beholder), feel free to leave a comment and I will do a followup post to this.

Wednesday’s What’s Yours : “The Essential” list

Ever picked up a “best of” album, looked at the back cover and said, “What?! That’s so NOT best of!!”?

The past few years, I keep getting nostalgic for 80s music – must be getting old, I guess -and I’ll be wandering through a store, see a CD with title like “Essential 80s” and grab it up excitedly, only to be perplexed and disappointed with the compilers’ choices.

Usually you get a mix of Men Without Hats (puh-leez!), Culture Club (yes, George, I do want to hurt you),  Kim Wilde (I think I just vomited into my mouth), Peter Blakeley (he’s on one I saw yesterday – remember Crying in the Chapel? Tell me THAT belongs on a compilation), Scritti Politi (I said “who?” too), Mel & Kim … and even Kajagoogoo (try saying that 3 times fast!).

Essential 80s?! I think not!

When I think of 80s music, I think of songs that were not just novelties but had depth, intelligence and … well … they reached inside your gut and twisted it either with their dark edge or their sense of joy.

So here’s MY CD, were I the compiler. These are all bands that lasted many many albums and whose music has remained popular with millions. These are all songs that I can literally listen to over and over without losing interest. These were the soundtrack of my youth … oh … sorry, a cliche slipped out …

My Essential 80s Songs

1. Head Over Heels – Tears For Fears
2. Our House – Madness
3. Love Song – Simple Minds (how can one little bass riff give so much joy?)
4. Thunderstruck – ACDC (how can one little guitar riff give so much joy??)
5. Don’t Dream It’s Over – Crowded House
6. Why Can’t This Be Love - Van Halen
7. Spirits in the Material World – The Police
8. Just Keep Walking – INXS
9. I Wanna Know What Love Is – Foreigner
10. Beautiful World – Devo
11. Where the Streets Have No Name – U2
12. Shout – Tears For Fears

So here’s an open “meme” or challenge. Let us know what your Essential List would be. It could be cars, 70s glam rock bands, or species of lizards – whatever! (Or it could just be 80s Songs, like this one). Then post a comment here to let me know you’ve got it on your blog. In a week or two, I’ll post all the links to all those who played.

And now for your listening pleasure, here’s two of the songs from my list above…

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KEdZrV0j6zM[/youtube]

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=80OauT0OZgI[/youtube]

Wednesday’s What’s Worse? III

Today, I’m thinking of pot-holed plots, bizarre or wooden performances, and of course, just plain bad directing (direction?). So with a choice of the following movies, what’s worse?

• The Lake House

• The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

• Bean
• Junior (what was DeVito thinking??)
• Lost in Space
• Star Trek: Generations
• Batman & Robin
• True Crime (did Eastwood make two movies and stick them together with gum?)

• Any of the Spy Kids movies

Tough choice I know. My vote’s with the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen with Lake House a very close 2nd (was Kianu’s onscreen brother supposed to be lobotomised??)

How about you?

War of the Worlds

Woah!

Ninja (my wife) & I had the pleasure of going to the live version of Jeff Wayne’s War of the Worlds last Saturday night.

And it was the greatest live event I’ve ever been to, partly because of it’s nostalgic nature. Wayne’s original soundtrack came out in the era of my life that also spawned the first Star Wars movie.

Wayne’s music, Richard Burton’s flawless narration and of course HG Wells’ brilliant original story: and now live – at a volume that drove it through my stomach wall! Very very cool!

Anyway, just thought I’d gloat… Heh heh

She’s Apples

That title is another wierd Aussie expression whose origin is mysterious. It basically means “it’s good” or “everything’s cool.”

In this case, it was my oh-so-clever way to introduce you readers to Chris Owen at Pink Apple, a relationships specialist here in Melbourne who does some tremendous work helping couples revitalise their, well, relationship.

Personally, I think she has way too much fun in her job to truly call it work, but she’s certainly been instrumental in many many couples keeping their sanity and keeping their marriages.

Now I know this is a website written by a guy for guys. A “relationships specialist” may not sound like a funky topic to introduce to a group of blokes hanging out at the pub. But if you want things to be better than they are, (maybe you’ve experienced a … lack of spark in … certain areas of your marriage) – you may be able to find the relevance here. If we service our cars and boats and motorbikes, our marriage could probably do with a service occasionally too…

To get the gist of Chris’s services (without paying!) try her Take the Pulse of Your Relationship quiz.

And here’s a sample of her writing:

Not the Kitchen Sink.

It’s very tempting when we’re angry with someone, be it our partner, colleague, or the Indonesian government, to avoid letting all our peripheral or past judgments, come into the debate.   [more]

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