Declining Role Models = Rising Teenage Violence? Totally!

The first section of a report in one of  this morning’s  newspapers (Melbourne, Aust) reads as follows:

A DECLINE in the number of male teachers is being blamed for rising youth violence.

Just 28 per cent of state schoolteachers are men, down from 32 per cent 10 years ago. Youth crime has soared in that time. Sex attacks, robberies, assaults and weapon offences have increased significantly, and psychologists and family groups told the Herald Sun the loss of male role models was an important factor.

As a parent of boys, and as a youth minister with nine-year’s experience, I couldn’t agree more.

The two spheres where boys spend almost all of their time are Home and School. Without strong, engaged and morally centred Men to learn from (and to respect) in at least one of these environments, what the hell is a boy to do when he’s looking for guidance, boundaries, affirmation?

Who’s around to convince him of lessons like  ”Real Men don’t beat the crap out of other people for fun”, “Real Men respect (themselves, other people, property)”, and “Real men take responsibility for their actions, building a better future for themselves and others” ?

 Just one week ago, I spoke at a Rotary gathering north of Melbourne about this very thing. There is a ton of information/research to support the theory that a lack of MALE PARENTING in childhood and then MALE MENTORING in adolesence leaves young males open to an anxious and self-absorbed state of being. That state of being will always have awful results. These young males are far far more likely to commit crime, live anti-social lives and develop depression than boys who are consistently fathered and mentored in an accepting, firm and affectionate manner .

At that Rotary gathering, I was calling on businesses  to get behind lunchtime or after-work PD sessions for working dads to help them further build their parenting role and skills. Afterwards, two of the men there (one an educator of thirty years experience) assured me they would be out speaking to local businesses to see it happen. They could join the dots and see they point.

Another man told me that the ex-warden of a Victorian prison (a friend of his) had researched the background of the young men who came through the prison doors and discovered in every case there was abuse or neglect by their father. (That warden changed careers and went into educating/mentoring those young offenders).

There are simple and there are not-so-simple things a Dad can do to build the bonds with their sons before anti-social behaviour gets a grip. Dads are the best mentor a boy can have (though not the only ones of course). We all just need time to think through them and work out what to do…

But few men even think of going to a ‘parenting class’ or reading a ‘parenting book’. Peer-mentoring and interactive environments that fit into our lifestyle are a far better first step.

That’s why if you’re an Aussie reading this, it’s not just me who needs you to suggest to your HR department or business owner that they talk to me about running PD for working Dads, it’s the working Dads and their sons.

Is that because I’m the best communicator in the country and the Keeper of Ancient Wisdom that no one else has? I’m not that conceited,. But I do know what works and I’m bloody good at helping other people get a handle on it for themselves. And I’m stepping up to the plate to do something about this. Talk to me. Get your boss to talk to me. One government office asked me for a proposal for lunchtime seminars for Dads last week under the banner of work-life balance. I salute them for ‘getting’ it. Let’s get more workplaces on board! We can turn things around and prevent the upcoming generation of young men from following in the footsteps of their slightly older counterparts…

 

Related Posts:

• Enough is Enough
• Rites of Passage
• Covering All Bases parenting program
• Dads Influence Their Daughters’ Interest In Math
• Fear of Fun? Or Fear of Failure?

Enough is Enough

All you Melbournites saw Sunday’s horrendous crash that took 5 young lives and shattered dozens of other lives, right?

The police urge parents to step in and find out where their children were going and how they were getting there. I gotta tell ya, at 16, 17, 18, 19 – if you don’t have the kind of relationship where that’s already happening, it ain’t gonna start now.

Folks, help me help some Dads save some lives. Some of you must know a Dad in Melbourne with sons about to hit adolesence, or Dad who’s got one son already doing stupid stuff and wants to do something about the next son not following in his brother’s footsteps. TELL THEM TO CONTACT ME! Someone must know a business looking to improve their public profile as an awesome supporter of families and youth welfare:  TELL THEM TO CONTACT ME!

Please, we actually can do something about changing this! In just one weekend, we can keep/start the ball rolling in the right direction for 15 young men and their dads.

Dads n Lads Retreats

Dudes and dudettes, it’s on! During the 90s I worked with youth. During the naughties I’ve increasingly worked with Dads. About time we combined them.

In 2010, we are putting on the most outrageously good-time retreats for Dads and their 11-13 year old sons where we can share some tried and tested strategies for building the kind of bond our sons need from us Dads while actually DOING THE BONDING! And everyone will be having so much fun they won’t even realise it’s happening.

See our Events page  here for more.

Tell me if you have corporate contacts who can help us take  this to the highest level and quality possible. I truly believe 2010 will see dozens of families with restored relationships, with an unshakeable bond between father and son, and with preventative meaures in place to save young people from the slippery slope of substance abuse and violence that’s plauging their generation.

The Man Cold

Don’t Do This…

Here I am building a “cubby-house” (or more likely a lean-to) for my oldest son about two years ago.

I’d been reading about how pre-teen boys need to engage with the outdoors and some have the instinct to build shelters to prove to themselves they could fend for themselves. It all sounded rather plausible and when my son came to me asking if he could build a “cubby” in the backyard, because his friend Nathan had just done that in his, I was all for it. We went to see a friend of mine, a carpenter, who kindly made some suggestions about what materials and even gave my son (and me!) a crash course in building and construction. We assembled the materials and went home to build it.

I know what you’re thinking: “What a great Dad! Giving his son space and encouragement to do it. And look at his rippling muscles in that picture as he even gets involved with the project. I wish I had a Dad like that.”

… actually, you shouldn’t wish that.

From the start, this project was undermined by two of my tendencies that I battle constantly:

• the need to be seen as a great Dad (see it even showed up above in this very post) – particularly by my kids – and
• the need to teach things … actually, let’s call that last one what it really is: the need to micromanage (to direct or control in a detailed, often meddlesome manner).

Things first came unstuck when I told him, no you can’t build it where you want to, you have to build it where I want you to. At first pass, this might sound like a good thing, and – look – if he had wanted to build it on the roof of our house or nail it to my wife’s car, then fair enough, I should say no. But he simply wanted to attach it to the back fence. I didn’t like that and said, no build it over here.

The next problem came when I stayed outside to assist him instead of going into the house and leaving him to it. Now, my excuse was he asked me to stay, specifically to hold the beams while he hammered. Again, good dadship to be there for him? But alack! and alas! I couldn’t keep my big mouth shut.

When he said “Dad I can’t do this!!”, struggling to get the nail into the wood, I could have said, “Yes you can; keep at it champ.” Sometimes I do encourage him this way. But not this time. I could have said, “This wood is pretty hard, it’s probably not suited to this. Do you want to finish what we can with the other pieces then go out and find another piece that’s easier to work with?” That would have allowed him to stay in control and saved face for him. I could have said that but I didn’t.

I said, “Let me have a try.”

Those 5 little words resulted ultimately in the photo you see above. Where is my son in that photo? Nowhere. (My other son is taking it). Oldest Son has by this time gone inside frustrated. After twenty minutes of rising tension about how to do things, he’d thrown a mild tantrum and given up. Because whereas I thought I was communicating “I’m here for you”, what he heard was “You can’t do it, give a real man the hammer.”

As usual from little things, big things grow. From my small action – well TWO small actions – discouragement flourished.

The results: four planks of wood loosely nailed together in my backyard and sitting there for months like that, a boy who lost interest in building things and a Dad still kicking himself.

You might say all sorts of things like, “The boy should have had thicker skin” and such. I seriously don’t think this one was about him being oversensitive. I think I truly screwed up.

The lessons for me were twofold:

1. be careful not to communicate to a boy that he can’t do ‘it’
2. be careful not to discourage a kid from a passion of theirs in any way

Sometimes kids need to be allowed to make a mess of our backyards, to risk putting a crack in our fence palings, and even to try-and-fail without being shown “how to do it properly” (especially by someone like me who really didn’t know how to do it anyway.)

Diaper Primer

I read a piece recently outlining a male approach to handling dirty nappies/diapers. The more I read, the more I saw myself in this. Here’s a preview…  

… Eventually, as you baby-sit more and more, the child will at one time or another emit an odoriferous cloud that will permeate the entire room. This is your first clue of a dirty diaper.

Step 1: Check your watch. How much time until your wife comes home? …

Step 2: Ascertain the extent of damage. Smell does not always correlate with damage. …

… Step 8: When your wife arrives home, do not brag about your abilities. She will call upon you to exercise these skills more and more.

I love it! If you’re at that stage of your development as a Dad, go read the rest of A Diaper Changing Primer.

Dr Kimmel @ Evolution of Dad

Check out Evolution of Dad!

Man & Wife

Ten years ago I went to a “Manhood” seminar. Maybe I was hoping to buy some from the merchandise tables or something, I dunno.

Anyhow, I distinctly remember something the keynote speaker Ed Cole said. I’ve heard it repeated by other writers many times, including Biddulph.

“When a man acts like a child, it makes his wife act like his mother … and you can’t make love to your mother.”

Mothers correct their children and make decisions for them. When we males put our partners in the position of needing to do this – when we “underfunction” – we place them in an anxious position, we place pressure on them to overfunction, to nag, to parent.

And then wonder why they don’t feel all amorous toward us.

Where do you draw the line between immature and mature, between boy and man?

Steppin’ Up to the Plate

 My Fellow Father, when it comes to parenting, don’t let life pressure you to “sit this one out”.

As one writer says: “Fathers Are Primary Parents!”  There ain’t no 2nd fiddle in the Parenting Orchestra. (Sorry, that was a wierd analogy, didn’t really work, I’ve now mixed the sporting and music metaphors, I should have cut it out!)…

Here are some excerpts from Patty Wipfler’s “Primary Parents” article:

Dads get a raw deal. The pressure to earn a living often has a desperate thread woven through it: there’s a sense that if you don’t provide, dire things will happen to your family! We live in a society in which the lack of any safety net for families translates to a feeling of “life and death” for Dads around work issues. And when work must be pursued in a worrisome way, exhaustion is not far behind. Long hours, worry, heavy expectations, an ever more uncertain working environment, and the threat of poverty all make it harder to enjoy our children. It’s also hard to think independently about ourselves as Dads and as men: what do we want to do with our lives, how do we really want to live, what’s important to us?

One point that’s important to clarify is that fathers are absolutely primary parents. Children want, need, and love their Daddies. Some children grow up without the benefit of a Dad, and they manage well, but you need to know that, whatever your parenting circumstance, your child wants you close!

Children often look like they favor their Moms, and that when the chips are down, it’s Mom they want to stroke their forehead or kiss their hurt or listen to the tale of their hard day. But this is usually just the result of cultural circumstance: Mom is nearby more often when the chips are down, because in our culture, Dad usually spends more time at work. (In families in which the Dad stays home, the children gravitate to him in hard times, and it’s the Mom who has to work to keep from living on the emotional outskirts of the family.) You don’t have to remain on the emotional outskirts of your children’s lives!

… Listening to each other, hearing other Dads talk about parenting and about what’s important to them is a first step to climbing out of living under obligation. Just hearing how life is for other Dads can help bring a sense of perspective to our lives…

What helps children grow close are simple things any Dad can do:

• Your children love play, especially physical play.
• Your children want you to listen to their feelings, not to correct them.When children have played all-out, they feel safe enough to bring up heavy emotions.
• Your children want your life to be good.Go ahead and set limits that you think make sense, limits that allow your life to be good, too.

I recommend a full read of the article to see how Patty develops these ideas.

Ultimately, this reminded me that we Dads need to step up to the “crease” (if we’re in a cricketing country like Australia or the UK) or up to the “plate” (if baseball is your game of choice). We need to engage. Today. No one’s going to do our job for us … and women can’t. (Yes, they can parent. Duh! But they can’t father, and nor should they have to).

Enjoy your kids today…

Dad Punners’ Society

 Ok, this post’s title is a really bad word-play on Dead Poets’ Society, but then that makes the point of this post nicely. Fathers have a really really bad habit of using puns to appear clever, squeeze a laugh from our kids, or bond with others.

 

Eventually, the puns begin to become embarrassingly bad (or tired) and yet we don’t seem to be able to let go of the blighters! It’s like we’re addicted or possessed by an evil pun-spirit or something. I mean all this pun-making is a funny thing (ok, play the sound).

Some men even push the Pun Wagon harder to force a laugh, as if repetition of the same old joke will make it funny. Puns seem like (and are)  an appropriate level of humour, as well as a valuable intellectual-development tool for children around 5-9 years old … but when we’re still using them on our adolescent ‘children’, we’re never going to get more than a polite chuckle, and more likely a groan followed by eyes rolling upward in their teenage sockets.

We’ve already had a post recently where we shared Dad Jokes. Let’s now turn to Dad Puns.

How did YOUR Dad do this? What were his best/worst? And (shudder) are you now that Dad, perpetrating Pun Abuse upon YOUR children??

Here’s just 2 of my own Dad’s classics (remembered affectionately of course!):

• Every time we drove past a cemetary (and we passed one every Saturday), we’d hear “That’s the Dead Center of town”.
• When we’d ask for something he couldn’t afford that week (I know how that feels!), and we were silly enough to ask why we couldn’t have it, he invariably reply: “Like marriage, it’s a matrimony” (= matter-of-money).

I only remember 2 because the rest have been suppressed by Dissociative Amnesia.

Am I a perpetrator of this evil upon my children? Well, I must admit, that around my older son I’ve moved beyond the puns (but returned to clownish Monty-Python-like silliness- which is probably just as bad). But I still use them with Youngest Son.

MadCow has already contributed the following two in an earlier comment (and apparently her dad practised the “dead center” one without mercy for years):

• “How’s your chicken? Mine’s fowl!”
• “Who pea’d on the floor?” (when a pea rolls off the dinner plate onto the floor)

So. What were some of your father’s favourites? And which ones do you use on your kids?

[And if you're reading, Dad, keep 'em coming!]

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