Comings and Goings

Been a busy year. Bet you know the feeling?

Amongst the busyness I’ve been:

• Trying my hand at short story writing, with 3 ‘rejections’ from magazines to my credit and one ‘maybe, we’ll have our editor take a look at it’
• Negotiating, negotiating, negotiating – with community groups and business to find the right service(s) for working dads to support them in their parenting / work-life balance. (We’re getting there – one company has signed me up to run 2 lunchtime seminars for Dads in the organisation).
• Playing taxi driver to two boys who play soccer, tennis and train in bass guitar and tap dancing. (Ok, the lady wife does the tap dancing taxi driving).
• Training out of school youth to get them jobs … and a vision for life.
• Jotting the odd article for other ‘zines: see Cometh the Hour, Cometh the Man over at Family Capers.
• completing a Voice Over course … you never know, they may be MY dulcet tones you’re hearing on that documentary or commercial.

In amongst all this, the occasional event has taken me by suprise and reinforced my commitment to just being a solid father: knifing in a school, a primary (elemntary) school girl holding a knife to another’s throat, kids wrapping cars full of their friends around trees and telephone poles… and even the young people who turn up to my Wednesday/Thursday classes, who are good human beings who’ve been dealt a bad hand…

I’m doing my best to tune out from the busyness often. To tune in to my wife and kids. To watch youngest son while he’s showing me his latest tap dancing manoevre. To remember to ask oldest son on Thursday morning about something he told me would happen at school on Wednesday. To say “Sure I’ll come on the Melbourne City Romp with you” to oldest son and sacrifice a day to be with him.

I don’t think I’m getting an A for Attentive Parenting this semester, but hopefully the mark will be better than a D. Then again, who am I to even judge myself … as if parenting were a set of competencies you have to tick off to succeed at. We’re all making it up as we go along; parenting’s a moving target and with all the distractions of modern life, it’s a blue-eyed miracle (to quote Stephen King) that we ever hit anything.

So. How you doin’?

Declining Role Models = Rising Teenage Violence? Totally!

The first section of a report in one of  this morning’s  newspapers (Melbourne, Aust) reads as follows:

A DECLINE in the number of male teachers is being blamed for rising youth violence.

Just 28 per cent of state schoolteachers are men, down from 32 per cent 10 years ago. Youth crime has soared in that time. Sex attacks, robberies, assaults and weapon offences have increased significantly, and psychologists and family groups told the Herald Sun the loss of male role models was an important factor.

As a parent of boys, and as a youth minister with nine-year’s experience, I couldn’t agree more.

The two spheres where boys spend almost all of their time are Home and School. Without strong, engaged and morally centred Men to learn from (and to respect) in at least one of these environments, what the hell is a boy to do when he’s looking for guidance, boundaries, affirmation?

Who’s around to convince him of lessons like  ”Real Men don’t beat the crap out of other people for fun”, “Real Men respect (themselves, other people, property)”, and “Real men take responsibility for their actions, building a better future for themselves and others” ?

 Just one week ago, I spoke at a Rotary gathering north of Melbourne about this very thing. There is a ton of information/research to support the theory that a lack of MALE PARENTING in childhood and then MALE MENTORING in adolesence leaves young males open to an anxious and self-absorbed state of being. That state of being will always have awful results. These young males are far far more likely to commit crime, live anti-social lives and develop depression than boys who are consistently fathered and mentored in an accepting, firm and affectionate manner .

At that Rotary gathering, I was calling on businesses  to get behind lunchtime or after-work PD sessions for working dads to help them further build their parenting role and skills. Afterwards, two of the men there (one an educator of thirty years experience) assured me they would be out speaking to local businesses to see it happen. They could join the dots and see they point.

Another man told me that the ex-warden of a Victorian prison (a friend of his) had researched the background of the young men who came through the prison doors and discovered in every case there was abuse or neglect by their father. (That warden changed careers and went into educating/mentoring those young offenders).

There are simple and there are not-so-simple things a Dad can do to build the bonds with their sons before anti-social behaviour gets a grip. Dads are the best mentor a boy can have (though not the only ones of course). We all just need time to think through them and work out what to do…

But few men even think of going to a ‘parenting class’ or reading a ‘parenting book’. Peer-mentoring and interactive environments that fit into our lifestyle are a far better first step.

That’s why if you’re an Aussie reading this, it’s not just me who needs you to suggest to your HR department or business owner that they talk to me about running PD for working Dads, it’s the working Dads and their sons.

Is that because I’m the best communicator in the country and the Keeper of Ancient Wisdom that no one else has? I’m not that conceited,. But I do know what works and I’m bloody good at helping other people get a handle on it for themselves. And I’m stepping up to the plate to do something about this. Talk to me. Get your boss to talk to me. One government office asked me for a proposal for lunchtime seminars for Dads last week under the banner of work-life balance. I salute them for ‘getting’ it. Let’s get more workplaces on board! We can turn things around and prevent the upcoming generation of young men from following in the footsteps of their slightly older counterparts…

 

Related Posts:

• Enough is Enough
• Rites of Passage
• Covering All Bases parenting program
• Dads Influence Their Daughters’ Interest In Math
• Fear of Fun? Or Fear of Failure?

Behold, the Anti-Cricket!

I thought I’d blog a little before I start work for the week. At the moment I have a couple of private clients who are fun to work with – and then I have a couple of contracts which are a little less fun.

Of late, my weekends have been punctuated with anxious sessions at the computer answering emails, preparing documents that I didn’t get time for during the workweek, and sometimes bouts of do-i-really-have-to-work-tomorrow-depression on Sunday afternoons where I’m no good to anyone.

This weekend I decided no emails, no stressing about work, no wondering how I’m going to fit it all in on Monday. I decided to recharge me and recharge the relationship with the family. I spent Saturday morning attending a great seminar (where I caught up with Chris of Pink Apple and actually met Mad Cow). Once I was home it was seminar notes and briefcase into the office and Pete into the x-box room where Oldest Son was arrogantly destroying the other teams in the Polish premier soccer league (FIFA10, folks).

The rest of the day was spent in such activities. It was amazing, though,  how often a little voice would try to steal my attention (and action) away. The voice said  “I’ll just go and check my emails” and “Wouldn’t you like a nap?”  and “Your son will be fine without your attention” and “This is unproductive” and “Watching your son do stick figure animations is boring, go read a novel or draft a marketing plan or draw up a timetable or something“. I call that voice my Anti-Cricket, as in the opposite of the Jiminy Cricket conscience character in Pinoccio (or however you spell it). It’s the opposite of the voice of reason (which we blokes seem to do a better job of not listening to). Well, if I can habitually not listen to the voice that tells me “Eat the apple, not the cream bun”, then I figured I could not listen to the Anti-Cricket.

So I spent Saturday afternoon and Sunday locked in occasional battle with the Anti-Cricket and apart from couple of moments where the diary came out, I largely defeated the little bugger. It’s been a lot of fun just hanging out, rebooting my own centredness and enjoying the boys having fun.

And wierdly, sitting down to work this Monday morning with a little more to do than usual, I actually feel calm. The late Sunday depressive illness only hung around the edges of my awareness for about the length of a commercial break and was chased away by more FIFA10 and stick figure animations.

I must say, I highly recommend chilling out with a focus on the kids. Good for the soul, good for the family, and I suspect good for the work output overall.

The Anti-Cricket can go chirp up someone else’s tree next weekend too.

More Work-Life Balance for Dads (the Australian Scene)

Following yesterday’s post about father-friendly workplaces (and Jonathan’s helpful info for U.S. Dads that under the Family Medical Leave Act Family Medical Leave Act there is provision for paternal leave with pay and job security), I did a little digging into Australian policy on the subject.

Because I’m Australian.

And ‘a little digging’ means squeezing in some googling and reading a couple of papers online between dinner, keeping the kids from each others’ throats and talking tax returns with Lady Ninja…

One report from the Work-Life Association here in Oz (dating back to May 2008) basically decried the fact that it’s only the occasional enlightened Aussie company that makes provision for new Dads to have paid leave to be home with newborn and their partner, or flexibility around their parenting commitments.

But it’s not common and it’s not backed by government.

Citing their research, they say

A consistent and strong theme among almost all of the responses that informed this submission is that respondents believed Australia should no longer be out of step with the majority of countries globally where paid parental and paternity leave is the norm.

Which means it is out of step. A Manager from one company responded

“Most fathers that I know have taken annual leave when their child is born. Some are entitled to unpaid parental leave, but don’t take it as the family would have no income for that period of time. The important thing to remember here is that the birth of a child is not a holiday. It is not a time that you have to relax, spend time at the beach, travel interstate or overseas. It is a time of hard work, lack of sleep, stress, joy, and exhaustion.”

Amen, brother.

So maybe what I was writing about yesterday is more a symptom from the country that I live in. I certainly sounds from Katy’s comment in yesterday’s post that in the States, Dads are embraced and expected to be a part of learning about parenting and doing the job. Or perhaps American readers will have other experiences with and perspectives on that.

Mind you, as I said yesterday, even in Australia, things are much much better these days than they were even five years ago.

Supporting Dad

Been skimming through a report called Fatherhood and Fatherlessness. Albeit 5 years old and often based on research that is now nearly a decade old, it had some worthwhile points to consider. Here’s two of the strategies that Michael Flood (research fellow with the Australia Institute) poses as vital to both promoting the positive role that fathers play in kids’ lives and empowering Dads to get in there and be present with those kids:

 

1. Establishing father-friendly workplace practices and cultures. “Employers, with governmental support, must create more flexible workplaces free of penalties for involved parents of either sex, and must promote equal economic opportunities for women” (because this makes way for mothers to work at higher pay grades lessening the pressure for Dads to still be main provider)
2. Supporting fathers through family and parenting services. No, actually supporting them.

About the first strategy: last week, I asked a fellow Dad what stopped him attending groups that supported parents with the particular challenges his child faced. He replied “They’re all during office hours”. That makes it pretty difficult for a working Dad to get involved.

I also wonder if it’s possible (and I fully understand the current economic climate) for more bosses who are Dads themselves to empower employees who are also Dads to have more flexibility around parenting issues. (I heard of one workplace where they had “Go home on time days”. I like that.)

 

About the 2^nd strategy: My experience over nearly 14 years of parenting (if I include the time my oldest son was gestating), is that things have been slanted toward mothers in the past. This is certainly understandable in most respects, because I don’t breastfeed and I don’t give birth. But occasionally service providers have made fathers feel irrelevant. I remember turning up to a parenting event – the only guy in the room – and being told “how nice; we have a Dad” in a most condescending fashion. I still don’t get why I wasn’t simply a “parent”. I’ve also been left out of communication about my kids presumably because of assumptions that Mum does all the parenting stuff. The report also sites the dearth of educational and other programs aimed at male parents.

 

Earlier this year, I went to local government to enquire about a grant to set up an 8-week parenting course for Dads. “Great idea!” the lady said, fully supportive of what I was proposing; “I’ll get you to talk to Jenny … oh. She deals with males under 25. No, I’ll get Wendy to call you … oh. She deals with males over 55 … actually we don’t have any department that serves men between those ages.” The light dawned for her that though there was an awareness of the importance and even the needs of families with respect to male parents, there was no infrastructure around promoting and supporting those needs. (Eventually, I got the grant under a community health auspice).

I have to say though that – thank goodness – things are rapidly changing in these respects.

 

So there’s a couple of strategies and my off-the-cuff thoughts about them. What are your thoughts?

A Day in the Life of a Work-from-home Dad during School Holidays

9.15. Trying to work.

• “Dad I’m hungry”
• “You just finished breakfast.”
• “That was twenty minutes ago.”
• “Wait until 10.00, then you can have a snack”
• “BUT THAT’S AGES AWAY!”
• “Drink some water.”
• A door slams.

10.17. Trying to work.

• “Dad where’s the remote?”
• “You tell me.”
• “I’ve looked everywhere.”
• “Behind the TV?”
• “… except there … Oh, here it is. Thanks Dad … And Dad?”
• “Mm?”
• “I’m really hungry.”
• “You just ate 15 minutes ago.”
• “I’ve digested that already.”
• Grrrrrr.

11.52. Trying to work. The voice on the other end of my VOIP-phone conversation is suddenly garbled as Son A logs into his hotmail account…

• “Get off the internet!”
• “Sorry, Dad. By the way, I’m hungry.”

12.48. Trying to work. The file I’m looking for takes me twenty minutes to find, buried under chip packets, post-it notes with computer game cheat-codes and DVD covers – all on my desk. Sadly, the chip packets aren’t mine. 

1.31. Trying to work. Screams, tears, doors slamming.

• “What is going on here??!”
• Son B: “He hit me!”
• “Did you hit your brother?”
• Son A: “Yes.”
• Son B: “Four times!”
• Son A: “It was only 3 times.”
• “Ok, go to your room and come see me when you have a good way to make it up to your brother.”
• Son A (storming away): “Great! Wish I’d never had a brother!”
• Son B (now glaring at me): “Why’d you have to be so mean to him?”
• “…?”

2.58. “Dad I’m hungry”

3.17. Give up on trying to work; I’m not gettting anywhere anyway. 

• “Boys, wanna go play football?”
• “No thanks Dad, we’re busy.

Grrrrr.